Should I confront him...or let him slip up??

Question

"Mate" of 3yrs, best friends for 5 years...I found a number on the phone bill that he had been calling several times a day, some days more than he would call me. Found messages on his voicemail from "her," nothing that REALLY indicated a "REAL" relationship, but "she" seemed like too close of a friend...and I never met her. They have been "friends" for 3 months according to him. [and the phone bills] I also had a miscarriage at 3months just recently...I confronted him about this "friend," and he apologized and said he would stop all communication with "her," and change his phone number. Well he never changed the number, and 1 week later [the day we were "celebrating" our "healthy" relationship] I heard ANOTHER message that she left him. "She" said she was returning his call. I wont be 100% sure that this is the same person until the phone bill comes out in about 3 weeks...but I am about 99.8% sure that this is the same person.

Now my question is do YOU think I should confront him?

And should I confront him now or later??

Or should I let him set himself up??

Thanks in advance!!

I put this question in pregnancy because of my recent loss that im still not over, and I wanted to hear input from mothers as well.

He is my fiance', and he does not know that I actually check the phone bill, and [im assuming that ]he does not remember that I have his voicemail password...or thinks i would not check his voicemail.

Answer 1

Go with your gut feeling.

Answer 2

Hello, my heart goes out to you. Been there done that. So I have some idea how hard it is for you. What makes it harder is your recent loss and all of the feelings that come with that.

What I would do if it is the same person, is invite his "friend" to dinner, along with a good friend of yours just for support. Not at your home but out someplace, less likely to get ugly in public.

That way you will be able to see how things are, the look on his face for a start will give you a good indication. You can confront them together and find out what is going on. Try to stay calm.

Then if things turn out for the worst leave him with the bill, order an expensive bottle of wine on the way out. Then go home and change the locks. Your friend will help there.

I told mine to send me the address he wanted his things sent to and left. I just put security chains on the doors, took about 2 mins per door. I also called all of my close friends to come over and stay.

On the other hand it may all be as innocent as he says it is. In which case you can put a face to the caller and will take the pressure off.

I hope that things work out for you.

Answer 3

You should confront him because there is no reason he should have a female calling his phone that you don't know. If it wasn't anything, their "friendship" wouldn't be a secret. The only downside to confronting him without any hardcore evidence is the fact that as soon as he finds out you have his password, he'll change it and you won't be able to find out anything more. Like I said before, there is no reason he should be talking to some female several times a day and you can't know about it except for him being a liar and a cheat. Seriously, if there isn't anything going on, he wouldn't tell you he'd stop talking to her and say he's changing his number. Call the girl and see what she says because there's a chance she has no clue who you are either. Good luck!

Answer 4

It didn't do anything when you confronted him last time, why would it now? It sounds like he was upset and went looking for solace when he should have been looking after you.

If $$ is not a problem, I'd hire a PI so I could be absolutely sure he was cheating before I dumped his lyin' you-know in the nearest receptacle.

I'm SO sorry about your baby. I lost one at 17 weeks, no reason at all. That was 15 years ago and I still cry sometimes.

Get the facts before you make a move. You need information to make a wise decision. In the meantime, honey, be really, really nice to you. You could use some TLC.

Answer 5

Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. She is not just a friend and deep down you know it. You wouldnt have checked his voicemail if you wouldnt have had a feeling about this.

She may not know about you, or your recent misscarriage. I would be sickened by a man persuing another woman during a time when you needed him. If I was her and found that out I would change my number!

I think you should play it out a little and see how hard he tries to hide/defend it. You will be able to see his intentions towards her by his actions. OR just call her. Say you are his sister planning an engagement party for him and his fiance. and borrowed his phone to call all of his friends. Play it out and have a date of the "party" time and place just so you can keep it going for a min. Her reaction will tell the whole story.

Good luck and take care!

:-)

Answer 6

It sounds to me like you and your mate have an unhealthy relationship. You should be comfortable asking him about these calls - communication is a major part of any relationship. The fact that you are thinking of letting him "slip-up" seems to indicate that he is more of an adversary than a friend/mate. I am sorry to sound so harsh. I had 2 miscarriages before having my beautiful baby boy, and my husband's love was what got me through this time. If you do not feel this way about your mate, maybe you should think if this is the right relationship for you.

In any case, I think you should ask him about these calls, and not let it eat at you for the next 3 weeks.

Answer 7

All the advice you are getting is not relevant. Just like each person has his own face, and features, each situation has their individual facts. They are all basing their answeres on their facts, not yours.

You are best Friends for 5 years. Speak it out with him. Get the facts from him. You are letting your emotions, suspicions, run away with you. Put all your cards on the table. Remember you are still emotionally upset over your miscarriage.

This is not a game. This is real life. So there is no reason for you to "let him slip up".

Again put your cards on the table. Open up your heart. Get the facts from him. Then you can make a decision on the facts, and not your suspicions. You don't throw away 5 years of friendship.

Answer 8

Has he ever cheated before? If not the why are you assuming he is or will. Maybe he is taking to a Friend regarding your grief over the loss of a child? He may not want to talk to you for fear of hurting you more. Ask him if this is just a new found friend he is confiding in or if he thinks it may be more. Try and be open and honest with out all the finger pointing. If the relationship is meant to be then honesty is always a strengh you want to have. Good luck!!

Answer 9

You are more strong than me, i would have been on his butt like no other....Yall are supposed to be close, there should be no hidden relationship, you know how you feel inside...You have good insight of what is going on....Dont sell yourself short this is his fault, he said he would stop, then didnt. Yes confront him, show him the phone bills, tell him youve been suspicious, and check some messages. You feel like something is going on. YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT!! I hope its nothing, but is sounds to fishy! Also guys aer smart, yall have been togather for 3 years and best friends for 5, he knows how to work you, so watch out, stick to the truth in what you find.

Answer 10

I don't like the sound of this mate of yours as he is definitely not being upfront with you about this other so-called friend. I would not put my trust in him. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, please take some time for yourself to heal before you try again;. Personally, this mate of yours sounds devious to me and is keeping secrets. Fortunately, you have found it out as he would not have come clean, it seems and still is not aware that you are able to check so keeps up the pretence that he's given up calling the other girl. Confront him and don't be put off if he is angry with you for checking his messages. He might get all defencive to make you feel you are in the wrong. Actually, it is good to be able to respect each other's privacy but in his case, he has forfeited that right.

Answer 11

Ohhhhh....tough one!

I'd say rather than "confront" him about it, talk to him.

Ask him more about his "friend," like how they know one another, etc.

Then let him know you're not 100% comfortable with the situation as they call one another quite often and you'd like to meet this person as for all you know she could be getting all the wrong signals from him.

I'd say tread very carefully though as if it turns out he's innocent he might end up feeling insecure, or that you don't trust him.

If you do all this though and it STILL looks dodge (it certainly seems all wrong) wait until you can get to his phone and then send her a text message off it. Just something like "hi" will do.
Chances are, she'll respond to it as she thinks its your fiance. if she has any pet names or anything, thats where they'll show up....and you've got him right where you want him!