This is very hard for me, but how can you forgive.....?

Question

I am currently a 21 year old wife and mother of 2 and I have really been thinking lately about my past. When I was 9 I was repeatedly raped by my brother for 2 1/2 years. I never told anyone until I was 16, but by that time my parents had gotten a divorce and my brothers were staying with my mom. I never told anyone cause I felt so ashamed, I mean I was only 9 at the time. My brother was about 13 or 14 when he started raping me and my husband doesn't understand why when he tries to be rough with me in bed it brings back horrible times. There are sometimes when I accept it, but I need help. How do I get over such a tramatizing and hurtful thing? How can I just let go everything and let everything else fall into place? I still do talk to my brother cause he apologized and I accepted, but I can not talk to him for long. I say Hi and that is it. What do I do?

My husband knows and he does try to help but at times I can feel him being a little impatiant and a little frustrated also.

Answer 1

You have every right in the world to set comfortable boundaries during sex with your husband-as your partner he should accept that! Maybe you would have less "flash backs" !What happened is in the past, let it be just that- the past. If you feel you need a therapist-OK. Seriously, save yourself $$$$_ Let It Go!!You are a "wife& a mother now", yor not living in that enviroment anymore, don't let it consume your thoughtsPut your efforts /thoughts into hubby/kids!!

Answer 2

First, I am so sorry that you had to endure that. Sometimes life can just be so hard.

I admire you for even speaking to your brother. I don't know that I could ever forgive and accept his "apology".

I think perhaps a counselor could help you... and could also help your husband to understand and help you to deal with your feelings. I truly can't think of much else that would be so traumatizing and such a betrayal... and your husband needs to understand.

I do believe, tho, that there are some things that happen that affect us so deeply that we really never get over them. We can put them in the deepest recesses of our minds and live happy, full lives... but they are always there.

I wish you luck and hope that you find peace.

Added: Bullet B -- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING??? Raping your sister? Of course he knew what he was doing and that it was WRONG. sheesh.

Answer 3

Women are not the only ones who go through this physical and mental abuse. For Men it is mush harder to get justice, unless We take care of it Ourselves.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed about. You are the victim. It will never feel 'right' between You and Your Brother until He admits His actions in front of the entire Family. You have to make Him realise that what He did warrants far more than a mere apology. Shame and humiliate Him. Make Him know what it feels like to be demeaned, debased and emotionally tortured. He is only Your Brother. The man who shares Your bed is the one who loves You. Which of the two would You rather lose?

Answer 4

OMG what a woman you are and still able to talk about this. You seem to be able to go on with your life. First all you dont have anything to be ashamed of. Second you have been able to have a family. Horribly raped is what happened. Seek a friend or council on this. You shouldnt pay mentally or physically for the rest of your life what happened to you. The next step in recovery is to come face to face with your brother that did this to you. If you dont come face to face with him you will never be totally healed. I am sorry this happened to you and I pray you will overcome this .

Answer 5

have you seeked proffesional help like counciling, i had something similar happen in my family and it is hard to forgive and come to terms with what has happened, its not fair for thing like this to happen to young children, but it happens more then we know mainly because the victim is ashamed and feels embarrassed, it is something that is not talked about enough, has your brother gotten any help well the way we found forgiveness was through church, and talking about it, it helps when you have alot of support. its one thing to forgive but forgetting is another thing, you have a right to feel the way you do, get mad tell your brother exactly how this has affect your life, and talk to your husband he should understand, maybe go to family counciling.

Answer 6

who says you have to forgive anybody,let alone your brother who hurt you,not just physically but to the core of your soul. Seek therapy and talk to your husband, have him read some books on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.You don't need to forgive you need to process what's happened to you.I've been through it myself and it wasn't until much therapy and soul searching that I learned to live with the memory of what happened.it's hard,it's not going to be anything less than painful but it's also your salvation.oh and for all those who say you can't heal without forgiveness,they are just plain wrong .forgive if you feel you need to but get help if you want to enjoy the next 60 years of your life.good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

I don't have a whole lot to offer in the way of help, but I greatly applaud your courage and strength.

You NEED to make your husband understand that he needs to take care of you. Being reminded of something so horrible in a situation that is supposed to be full of love can destroy your relationship. He should support you-- he should be making sure that your relationship with him in no way resembles the way your brother abused you.

Answer 8

Seek counseling or therapy from a trained professional. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means that your body and brain have been traumatized and are trying to still protect themselves. Until you go through counseling and face it, you won't get better.

Answer 9

well i dont need to forgive cause im not the one here who needs to forgive. anyways you have forgiven your brother already so thats not the problem. Since you forgave your brother, its time to move on. at the time your brother didnt know what he was doing. dude probably had strange feelings and you were only girl he knew how to express it to. if only he had a better teacher of what those feelings were, he would have controlled it better.

Answer 10

i was raped when i was 11. almost every day, for about a year and a half. you don't forgive, you don't forget. you try to go a day without thinking about it. a week, a month. you find people you trust and tell them. then you don't talk about it.