Im in love with someone else but im married pt2?

Question

I felt like i needed to add something because it seems that everyone is miss understanding what I was trying to say. Yes i have been with my husband for 10 years total, however, in those 10 years I have always loved him where as he has not always loved and been in love with me. The statement that my husband is a good man, is based on now, he just started to do the things that i was asking of him which was not that much like spend time with me and not hours on the net, lets go out together, help me around the house. He only started when he thought he was losing me becaues i became tired of being in a one sided relationship,I have never before now talked to another guy let alone cheated on him. I miss worded what i was trying to say, I want to be with my husband i just dont know how to stop feeling the way that i feel about the other guy. My husband is like a see-saw he changes his feels like i change my clothing, I am just tired of letting him hurt me. So please answer that question.

Answer 1

Talking to the other guy is not the solution... it's an illusion and a diversion! The old phrase was that you can't put 2 cars in a one-car garage applies here, and this is precisely what you're trying to do by imagining that this other potential relationship harbors the solution to a poor marriage. Some things to try:
*** Assuming you've tried reasoning with him many times with no success, then go on strike-- no work or effort (at home) on your part until you get his attention. this will piss him off, but will get his attention. This may take several days or 1-2 weeks, but don't cave prematurely
*** see or talk with some professionally to get your head straight and write down your needs (not wants)
** Talk with your husband and spell it out clearly, without anger and emotion-- just plain reason. If you get emotional here he'll become defensive. When you talk use ""I need"statements as opposed to "you did___"statements. Tell him your needs without equivocating. If he responds thru anger and threats, then you've not gotten his attention yet.
** Ask to see a couples therapist jointly-- if he refuses, you've now got your answer, he's not changing and you have a choice (but at this point the strike is permanent)-- stay or leave.
**Don't start seeing someone else immediately since you'll have very little substance to offer until you become strong again (generally 1-2 months per year of marriage).

Your not alone here, millions of couples suffer in this way daily... we see them in our practice and our hearts are torn by this level on insensitivity. Get a support system b/c it will be necessary as you go thru this.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

I am going through a divorce to a man that is a classic narcissist. A narcissist is a person that is self-involved, all about them and believes that that the world revolves around them. Believe me when I tell you, for fifteen years, my husband was my life and breathe. I ignored the verbal abuse, blamed it on the phases of the moon, the work pressure, the alcohol consumption, my weight gain, etc. The one day, he had a car accident and nearly died. He, I thought, came out a shell of a man that he once was. The truth was, I saw for the first time what he really was, and what role I played in his life. Yes, I too, had a one-sided relationship. I met a man quite accidently at my work, and for the first time in forever, I felt like a person again. He was genuinely interested in what I had to say, respected me, encouraged me and even laughed at my stupid little quirky ways. I too fell in love with, and oddly enough, never touched, held his had, kissed or made love to him. The reality of it was that God placed him in my life so that I could see a reflection of WHO I REALLY WAS - a good, loving, healthy person.

Yes, your husband may be a good person, but it is your time to let him go, and get the help HE needs. You have done all you can for him. This help he is giving you is only temporary. A narcissist will do whatever they can to manipulate their environment so that they can have control over their surroundings. He is not doing this because he trully love you. Narcissists don't know how to be totally unselfish. Once he feels you are back to where he wants you to be, his behavior like a swinging door, will not only be the same, but worse. First honey, its mental abuse, then its a little physical abuse. In my case, he choked me, and then the anger progresses to beatings and eventually death. Scared!!!! You need to be prepared and have an alternative plan. Love that new guy, sure go ahead. if its meant to be, he will be there. It wasn't the case for me, but I am not you. Just be careful, seek a good counsellor and be ready to go somewhere safe.

Answer 3

You want my honest opinion? I think that you need to sit and talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel, tell him that you don't feel like he loves you ALL the time it seems like its Only when it is convenient for him. What does this other guy have that your husband doesn't that attracts you to him? Think about those things and write them down. Then when you talk to your husband, tell him that things that you would like to see him do. "I really wish that you would appreciate the simple every day tasks I do that makes our life the way it is." or approach the things like this, "I remember when you would look at me and you just looked at me in a way that I just knew that you were completely in love with me."
My other advice is, I think you should pray about it. It doesn't matter if you are a religious person, or one that really isn't. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred thing, just take a moment. Tell God that you are having a hard time feeling the love that your husband and because of that you have temptation/attraction with another man, and you want the power to fight that temptation. If nothing else praying will make you feel better to vent. Give it a try.
The other thing that I would suggest is take the guy out of your life as much as you can.
I hope this helped

Answer 4

You can't say that you're in love with someone else and say that you want to be with your husband in the same paragraph. It doesn't work that way. You want to know what to do, right? Stop seeing the other guy. If you ever want your marriage to succeed, you can't bring a third person into it. What your husband did or didn't do before you married him is pretty much irrelevant now. You married him knowing all of that beforehand. The bottom line is you are cheating on the person you say you want to spend your life with. You have broken the vows that you said before God. How would you feel if your husband was the one who had done these things? Trust me, you don't want to feel that kind of pain.

Answer 5

If I may be so bold.... you aren't in "love" with the other guy... you are feeling like you aren't getting all the attention that you desire from your see sawing husband and that is making the other guy more interesting.

You need to do some serious soul searching. Are you better off without the constant roller coaster that is your husband? Leaving him for another man isn't the answer.... but only you know if its worth investing MORE time with your husband.

I hope that it is........ marriage vows are important.

Leave the other guy alone. Work on your marriage without any outside influence. Should you decide that its not worth staying, THEN and only then will it be okay to explore your feelings.

Answer 6

yes the problem that hes see saws is very maddening and tht is not forever and therefor eyou have found someone and when you did this hes taken to like you more and when he knows hes safe he will be the same. so for you take the run and leave him and get with someone else it stime to change and get with it and behappy life is short.

Answer 7

One sided relationships suck! The feelings you're having towards the other guy will go away slowly but I think you'll always look back on your memory of him and smile.

Answer 8

Your additional details are interesting, but it doesn't change my original answer.

Once you've done the deed, you've crossed the line. No amount of self-justification - valid or not - can erase the fact that you have been unfaithful while married.

Sorry.

Answer 9

typical men. because they get married with you, so you are expected to be that way. i really hate it, and will not take **** from him anymore.

i always give my man warning that if one day i walked away from one side relationship, he is the only one to blame, not me. that's exactly what i say, and i really mean it.

when feelings is gone, then you should love yourself and respect your heart to do whatever your heart feels.

let him know if he doesn't change, then don't blame you to leave him for good.

Answer 10

me, again!!! i'll stick to everything that i said, except the "loving him" {your husband, that is!!} but, i still think that you should be by yourself for awhile!!!! remember,i know how you feel!!! but, it is your decision!!!! hope it is a good one!!!