So I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He is a drug addict/alcoholic. We have had trust issues with his relapsing and cheating. We are going to counceling. But today he told me that a month ago he relapsed again. He just told his sponsor today also. My question is what do I do. Do I continue to be supportive or do I go my own way. I told him that this doesn't make our trust issues any better, but he doesn't see what he did is wrong. By not telling me that is. He says it is not lying...but it is. Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing???
2007-07-01 14:33:47 · 17 answers · asked by pink 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No one, absolutely no one can tell you for sure whether you should leave him or not. My experience with my own wife is this: We met when we were teenagers - got married at 20 and 21. And as an alcoholic, I took her for the ride of her life. It's was not at all what she deserved or what she thought would be the ideal life - THAT'S FOR SURE!
But she stuck it out and now twenty eight years later she does not regret it. She is now married to a recovered alcoholic (me) - we have two wonderful children and a life and relationship that is so incredibly good neither of us would trade it for anyone else’s. Niether of us are afraid to know of our past and we both use that past to help others now. We see that out of adversity comes GREAT good.
The decision will be made by you alone. But if you stay, be prepared for a rough ride - one that may or may not turn out well.
Peace,
Danny S
http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com
2007-07-04 10:52:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one ( got sober in 93 ). Remember he is not bad but sick. I can also tell you from my perspective there is no such thing as relapse, we drink/drug because we WANT to. Thus I say save the relapse story and I had a slip, BULL****. I would shoot straight with him about honesty issues, possibly suggest now might be a good time to work on him a lttle harder, you will be there for support AS LONG as he is honest, RIGOROUSLY honest.
A year is not very long you know, and he did not get this way in a short period of time so.............. may take a few years to see some results. Years of drunkeness would make a skeptic out of anyone.
Not knowing everything I would speak with his sponsor. Remember Honesty is what you can live with ..........
2007-07-01 16:53:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, once a cheater, always a cheater. Secondly, if he would rather spend money on drugs instead of on you and him, he cares more for the drugs than for you. Finally, for some people, quitting alcohol completely will never be a reality. As with any addiction, the key is to cut back dramatically until you can honestly say that you are back in control of your life.
You need to ask yourself whether you love him or not. How long can you deal with it until you fall out of love with him? Chances are your relationship doesn't stand a chance. How many years do you want to invest in the relationship? Remember that if you just want to help him, you can be there as a close friend. You don't have to be a girlfriend.
2007-07-01 14:49:58 · answer #3 · answered by MikeT 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I was married to an alcoholic for 5 years, we had 2 sons together. We did every kind of counseling you could think of including residential treatment. He cheated on me and lied all the time, and I totally understand about him "not telling" that is just as bad!! I lost all my friends and argued with my family constantly because I was trying to "stand by my man" and do the right thing until he got better. what kind of person would I be if I left when he needed me most, right? WRONG!!! He eventually got abusive and called me on the phone on day and shot himself while he was drunk! It almost was more than I could handle! You should get out now. He has to be responsible for himself ! You CANNOT make him better no matter how hard you try! You should take care of you for now, life is too short to live in that kind of drama all the time, and later on if he gets better who knows... but for now i would so get out of it!!! Good Luck whatever you chose, either choice won't be an easy one!!
2007-07-01 14:49:10 · answer #4 · answered by chris' girl 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
How is the couselling going? Has he 'really' attempted to get cleaned up? If he is really trying - then by all means, provide support. However, if his relapses are continuous - then perhaps what he's trying to do isn't working or perhaps he's just not trying. You would then have to decide for yourself whether he is worth it. If it were the other way around - do you think he'd be there for you?
2007-07-01 14:45:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hate to sound like Dr Phil. My experience with relationships is if there's no trust, it won't work. It's not healthy walking around every day wondering if he's downing a bottle of Jack or staying sober. You can't make him change he's got to want to do it on his own. It's pretty obvious counselling isn't working is it? Hate to say it but it's time to tell him to sober up. If he' gives you a line of bull and denies it, let him go. The stress isn't worth it. Trust me.
2007-07-01 14:55:18 · answer #6 · answered by Craig S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i was an alcoholic myself, people have tried to help me but in the end i was the only one who could help myself. i appreciated the support from everybody but it really didn't make a difference, i still did what i wanted too. my advice would be to leave him alone and tell him after he has been sober for an extended period of time to call u. if it's too late then that was a decision he made when he chose drugs and alcohol over you. you need to live your life in whatever way makes u happy.
2007-07-01 14:46:51 · answer #7 · answered by reddog777 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
From what you've said, nothing is going right in your relationship (trust issues, relapsing, etc). Why stay in it? Go your own way. He has to learn to sink or swim on his own.
2007-07-01 14:38:24 · answer #8 · answered by Winnie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's going to have to want to get better. yes, he needs support but you can't fix him. You can care for him but you don't have to tolerate him . He has you right where he wants you. is that where you want to be? You have a life too. You deserve a better life. Tell him you will do whatever you can to help him, but you will not tolerate any more of that kind of behavior. Tell him you are going to start living your life.
Good luck!
2007-07-01 14:41:12 · answer #9 · answered by sunny 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, until your guy is clean and sober for a couple of years, he'll likely repeat and repeat. Just to set the record straight, "We" don't have trust issues. YOU have issues, rightly so.
2007-07-01 14:40:04 · answer #10 · answered by DelK 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋