What can we do to help prevent domestic violence?

Question

Like you I read the news and am saddened by the rising rate of domestic violence in New Zealand and I know much happens behind closed doors and we never hear about it.

Domestic violence is a difficult issue but I believe we have a collective responsibility to solve the problem in New Zealand.

I'd like to think my question will provoke thought about how domestic violence affects every layer of our society, and about what every one of us can do to help stop it from happening.

Answer 1

Having been in a domestically violent relationship for far too long before I had the strength to get out of it, I would have to say that we do a very terrible job of educating about this in our schools. After having gone through some empowerment classes required by the courts to lift a restraining order that was placed on my husband (which I wanted to do so he could see the children), I learned many things. Including that there are certain signs that someone has violent tendencies. Silly things that you wouldn't think mean anything, but in fact knowing about it, I did see while we were dating. I did not know. My parents' fights were very infrequent and the most was mom getting upset and leaving the house for a quick walk and then coming back kissing and making up. Domestic violence was new to me. I have learned that in the United States there is a course that they offer in the army entitled something like how not to marry a jerk. This kind of course should be an automatic in our regular school system along with sex education. Perhaps more important than sex education. It is a very sensitive subject and one which when a teen is involved in an abusive relationship they will not listen to their parents about it. They need to learn this young and from a non parent so that the whole I will rebel against you think will not prevent them from listening and learning. In my case, he insisted on a particular type of ice cream from a vendor in Europe while on vacation though the vendor had already told him he did not have it. Did I know this could signal being punched in the jaw one month after our marriage? Never knew that until after I learned it. And once you are in it, you start to emotionally disintegrate because nine times out of ten, the abuse is only topped off with physical abuse, but verbally and emotionally you are beaten down on daily. It is hard to not think you are the problem when every day you are told it is your fault, you are crazy, stupid, lazy, whatever. This is a problem that until everyone is educated about it and how to pick a good mate and what abuse actually is, it will continue. If we can pay for our soliders how to pick a bride or groom, then we can certainly teach our youngsters what abuse is, what a potential abuser acts like, what kind of background her or she might be from and what to do if we ever find ourself in a situation like that. We also have to teach potential (based on family history and circumstances) abusers (when they are little) that under no circumstances does getting angry justify hitting, biting, kicking etc. That as angry as they became and as much as the other was provoking, it does not mean you can lash out violently, explain that the other was not doing right by teasing (for example) but that it is crucial not to lash out PERIOD. Right now they may feel justified to hit but eventually that line becomes fuzzy and who knows that dinner being this instead of that would cause a simliar reaction in adult life. It must be stopped before it is allowed to start because stopping it once it has started becomes quite the challenge.

Answer 2

Most of the times, domestic violence occur when one of the couples (mostly females) adopt a submissive nature and become a passive party. What women must understand is, just because you keep quiet, suffer in silent and back down, it won't make the men feel sorry for you. On the contrary, it will only fuel their violence tendencies further. Imagine, a punching bag that do not react or retaliate, that's how men view the wives that prefer to suffer in silence rather than do something about it.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not suggesting that women hit the men back, cos this is not only dangerous, but will solve nothing. Abused wives (and in some cases, abused husbands) SHOULD always try and get help from people they trust and can rely on. This is even more important when there's kids involved. You don't want your child grow up to be an abusive person as well, do you?
Try to identify the triggers for such violence outbursts, like whenever he/she's drunk, frustrated at work, etc etc. Or, it could be a psychological problem. There's always a reason for it.
Next, getting professional help should be the first option, while contacting the authorities, when things really get out of control, should always be a last option.

Answer 3

As I have worked for Victim Support, am a qualified social worker and am a domestic violence survivor, I feel that I am very qualified to answer this question.

In my personal expierience, we ALL have a responsiblity to report any violence we see, whether it be inside the family or not.

In New Zealand we seem to suffer from the mistaken belief of 'It can't happen here.' and 'Don't get involved, it isn't my problem.' This makes it easier to ignore the screams, bruises, and tears of women and children. But it does these victims no service to pretend that domestic violence doesn't occur.

We all suffer when our young people and fine women (and yes even men) are being beaten senseless in the one place we all think should be safe. The cost to the economy, in the courts, and time taken by various agencies is over welling our country.

Also, the high rate of teenage suicide maybe traced to the high rate of violence in the home SOMETHING TO CONSIDER.

EDUCATION and AWARENESS are the key, not BLAME and ANGER.

Educating our families that if there is a problem, there are agencies that can assist, rather than letting the issue reach boiling point or having to struggle on their own. And education about emotions and anger management should be a key part of our teaching of young people.

Awareness of this serious issue, by advertising, open discussions, etc will make it less easy for perperators to continue and less easy for victims to hide.

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING

Answer 4

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
What can we do to help prevent domestic violence?
Like you I read the news and am saddened by the rising rate of domestic violence in New Zealand and I know much happens behind closed doors and we never hear about it.

Domestic violence is a difficult issue but I believe we have a collective responsibility to solve the problem in New...

Answer 5

husband (which I wanted to do so he could see the children), I learned many things. Including that there are certain signs that someone has violent tendencies. Silly things that you wouldn't think mean anything, but in fact knowing about it, I did see while we were dating. I did not know. My parents' fights were very infrequent and the most was mom getting upset and leaving the house for a quick walk and then coming back kissing and making up. Domestic violence was new to me. I have learned that in the United States there is a course that they offer in the army entitled something like how not to marry a jerk. This kind of course should be an automatic in our regular school system along with sex education. Perhaps more important than sex education. It is a very sensitive subject and one which when a teen is involved in an abusive relationship they will not listen to their parents about it. They need to learn this young and from a non parent so that the whole I will rebel against you think will not prevent them from listening and learning. In my case, he insisted on a particular type of ice cream from a vendor in Euro

Answer 6

husband (which I wanted to do so he could see the children), I learned many things. Including that there are certain signs that someone has violent tendencies. Silly things that you wouldn't think mean anything, but in fact knowing about it, I did see while we were dating. I did not know. My parents' fights were very infrequent and the most was mom getting upset and leaving the house for a quick walk and then coming back kissing and making up. Domestic violence was new to me. I have learned that in the United States there is a course that they offer in the army entitled something like how not to marry a jerk. This kind of course should be an automatic in our regular school system along with sex education. Perhaps more important than sex education. It is a very sensitive subject and one which when a teen is involved in an abusive relationship they will not listen to their parents about it. They need to learn this young and from a non parent so that the whole I will rebel against you think will not prevent them from listening and learning. In my case, he insisted on a particular type of ice cream from a vendor in Europe while on vacation though the vendor had already told him he did not have it. Did I know this could signal being punched in th

Answer 7

I am frightened and very disturbed by some of the comments on here (however, I know that sadly these thoughts are shared by many in our society).

Why do you put the onus on the woman to 'get out' and 'get away' when they are not the abuser? (To generalize a heterosexual relationship where the abuser is male and the 'victim' is female). To make it open-ended, why should the onus be on the 'victim' to 'get out'??

The RESPONSIBILITY should be on the shoulders of the ‘abuser’. I believe that every human being has the capability and control to make the decision of whether they are going to physically attack someone. The onus is on the abuser to; get help (professional or other), to leave the relationship, or to walk away from the situation until they have ‘cooled down’ and so on.

I think that a start would be to have open and honest education for both sexes about ‘signs of an abuser’ and where to go if you think that you need help. There is very little community support available to people in violent and abusive relationships. There is also little support for the abusers.

We also need to change the message that we send to young females- that they are not good enough and should thus ‘put up’ with a partner that is abusive. The messages that we send to young males is that being macho is cool, and being violent is part of being ‘a man’. There is a lot of work to be done before domestic violence ends. And unfortunately there is no one way that is going to work for everyone, so we as a community need to stand up for those that are being abused, and call the police, call community organizations and offer support in any way we can.

More laws and government support financially is badly needed to ensure that when a person is ready to leave an abusive relationship, there are community supports waiting for them. The laws that we have already also need to be more strictly enforced.


DANI- I can’t even fathom your comment about parents having difficulty in having to “SUDDENLY STOP” abusing children (as I believe that spanking/smacking is absolutely a form of abuse).
If a parent’s only form of discipline is spanking, then they shouldn’t have children. I would absolutely report any person that I saw lay a hand on a child. I believe that if you can’t control your own emotions and the only way that you can think of disciplining your children is to physically smack them, then you should not have children. In saying this, I believe that if you are having difficulty in disciplining your children, then you have the responsibility to get yourself some parenting support and resources.

Answer 8

I am not sure what the law is in New Zealand but here both parties go to jail, depending on the circumstances, at least one of them goes to jail. That's a tough question, people tend to put themselves in that position without knowing the consequences. But also most people involved in domestic violence don't report it because they are afraid, they have to want help bad enough to get help. Some times it's too late.
People have to really pull together a better reform than promising women safe haven in battered women's shelters, some how they lose a sense of security all together and go right back to the abuse or they just deal with it and never seek help. Maybe promote it differently, more seriously. It's really a hard question.

Answer 9

Domestic violence cannot be seen as acceptable behaviour in this or any other society, be it of a physical (including sexual) or mental nature.

Start a TV ad campaign, similar to the Road Safety and Alcohol Abuse commercials, sponsored by Government, aimed at "abused" people to highlight the circumstances that would be considered abuse, making them aware that this treatment is neither deserving nor acceptable.

Similarly, this would, hopefully, bring to the attention of the "abuser" that his/her behaviour is coming under the spotlight and they will eventually be exposed.

Abusing weaker people to effect control or impose one's own will, is cowardly and bullying and portrays a serious flaw in the abusers own intellectual make-up.

Locally produced TV programmes often show scenes containing domestic violence and the more scenes of this nature that are shown, so the level of public acceptance of it becomes more tolerant.

Similar to the use of bad language on TV etc was originally designed to shock some years ago, it has now become acceptable to the level that pre-teen schoolkids use it in everyday conversation and "celebrities" do so to either appear cool, or to hide their own limited intellectual abilty.

Encourage producers to omit these scenes - no matter how deplorable they may seem; there will be those who would imitate this behaviour to be like their "hero", the Bad Guy.

Leave exposure of domestic violence to the professionals, those that can fore-see the consequences, not to the producers who care more for their ratings.

Encourage those that are being abused, to speak to a friend or councellor, or any of the help lines.Very often, a phone call to friend or who-ever, is the only lifeline they have to maintain their sanity.

Good luck in your endeavours Georgina, there are too many out there in need of help, especially the younger generation.

Answer 10

Before we get to the prevention we should carefully look at the root of domestic violence.
What cause Domestic Violence?
These are just my thoughts.
Lack of self respect
Lack of self confidence.
Lack of social and family education ( NOT SCHOOLING)
Lack of tolerance
Machismo
Superior complex
Want to be dominating at all times.
Do not only look for a prevention but look for a cure.
Victims should come forward .People who witness domestic violence should report it immediately.Their privacy should be protected so that more people can come forward to report domestic violence.Domestic violence is a criminal act so the courts should pass harsher sentences plus introduce volunteer work.
Victims should be protect from abusers .
Abusers should be tagged and helped to over come their impulsive acts.
We should look for a re-education program like AA.and make it a compulsory program.
Building of self respect is a start in the right direction .All companies should have an active anti- domestic program.
An awareness program in all schools should read Domestic Violence is Bulling. Domestic violence is discrimination.
Domestic Violence is a Criminal act. If you see it report it . Do not tolerate it.For you may be the next victim. Domestic Violence is the cancer of our society