How can I get my wife to love me first, before our children? I feel I have no wife, but a mother to our kids.?

Question

She is no longer a wife, she is first and foremost a mother. No sex, no fun really. Ever since our first one was born. - We have two.

I help with my little ones, give them baths, their milk, change them, etc. Tired to try to get her to go on dates, fun ones not just the movies. She cannot go away for the week-end, even when they are at my parents or hers. Don't know what else to do. please HELP!

We do have a live-in nanny, and I since I got canned I have been the stay-at-home-parent. So I do know how hard it is...even with help. Thaks for your answers

I mean after the kids are grown, we will have only each other again. So yes I am worried. I do love her...

Answer 1

You are going to have to sit down and have a "heart to heart" with her. Let her know how you are feeling and that you LOVE her and would really like to spend time with HER!

Remind her that the reason that the children are even HERE is because of your love for one another. Also let her know that the children will be "better off" if they SEE and FEEL the love btwn you and your wife. Whenever my kids see my hubby and I kissing or cuddling.. they LOVE to join in! It cracks us up! But they KNOW that we love one another!

Also let her know that its OK to "leave" the kids! Thats actually GOOD for them also. They may cry at first but they will find thier OWN independance while you are gone... PLUS they will realize that you ALWAYS come back!! Thats a GREAT lesson for them to learn!

For example.. I had a friend whos parents NEVER left to go out (even on a date!!)... EVER!! So, here she is in 5th grade and had NEVER spent ONE night apart from her parents! So when things like slumber parties came around, she just COULDNT do it! She would CRY and really get upset!! This actually CONTINUED to haunt her until SENIOR YEAR of HIGH SCHOOL!! Then (because of "peer pressure") she finally FORCED herself to "get over it!"

Thats NOT something you want to do to your children! PLUS... it is SOOOO important that the two of you CONTINUE to work on YOUR relationship!! Your children will ALWAYS be there.. but if you dont continue to nurture your marriage.. it WONT! My hubby and I go on a week long trip EVERY YEAR! (Usually we "cruise!") Its WONDERFUL! Being a stay at home mom, I LOVE having the time away from my kids! LOL Plus, my hubby and me get to spend some MUCH NEEDED time together to reconnect and rekindle the romance!! We also save our change ALL YEAR and at the end of the year (usually the 1st week in Dec) we use the change (its a good 3-4 hundred dollars by then!) to rent a chalet up in the mountains for a weekend.. again JUST THE TWO OF US!!

Remind your wife that you CHOSE each other and you HAVE to keep that flame alive.. b/c if it dies, not only will both of YOU suffer but so will the children! If she is that concerned about the kids, then she HAS to listen to that reasoning!!

Perhaps "meet in the middle!" Take a Disney Cruise (or even a regular one). They have TONS of kids activities that will keep them active (and out of YOUR hair) for the entire day! That way you and your wife can spend time lounging, exploring islands, dancing, going to the "bars," ect... and at the end of the day, pick up the kids and spend the evenings w/ them! Your wife wont feel guilty b/c the kids are having a BLAST... and you will be happy b/c you'll get some ALONE time w/ your wife!! Heck you could also bring along the grandparents! That way you might get 2-3 NIGHTS together too... after all the kids would only be a few ROOMS away!!

Tell your wife that you think that she is an AMAZING woman, a WONDERFUL mother and that you appreciate EVERYTHING that she does for you and the kids! But let her know that you really want to take some "down time" withOUT the kids! Tell her that you want to "spoil" her and LOVE her... and then make good on your promises!! PAMPER HER ALL NIGHT!! (That will probably ENSURE more nights in the future!!)

Many "new" moms get into this kind of "phase." Then again, some dont get out of it! Your marriage still needs to be your #1 priority! See... the kids are AUTOMATIC (especially to moms) so they will ALWAYS be #1.... but if you put your marriage at the top of your list (even OVER your kids).. you dont NEGLECT either!!

I LOVE my kids more then my own life and would do ANYTHING for them... but I chose my husband to be my life partner and I (we) have to do whatever it takes to make sure those vows are honored.... even if it means spending a few weeks ALONE withOUT the kids (per year!). Its the least we can do for ourselves, our sanity, our relationship.. and YES... OUR KIDS!!

When the home is not happy... the kids will not be happy. When the parents are still in LOVE and happy.. the kids will FLOURISH! Remember that!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I am sorry you are so unhappy. What I keep remembering is when my kids were little how tired I was at the end of the day. It is good that you are helping with the children but I can tell you it is damn hard to take care of two little kids 24 hours a day, clean house, do laundry, dinner, dishes and everything else. She is probably exhausted. Since you are trying to help, ask her what you can do to help her and don't give up on her because these things have a way of turning around when the children don't need your attention every minute of the day. If you think she is depressed maybe since she had the kids look into this and seek a professional. Many women get this disorder ( I just can't think of the name right now). Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Man and wife are to work together as a team. Partnership.
What happened to cause her to lose interest in spending time with you? Have you verbally put her down repeatedly, abused her in any way?
How old are your children? Are the two of you using any birth control? She may be leary of getting pregnant again. Or, if you want to not have any more children, get a vas**t***my. It shouldn't be up to her. It's easier on the guy than on the gal. Honest.
Have you just spent time with her at home? Just the two of you, talking about each other, with each other--after the children are in bed? It sounds like the two of you need to have a heart to heart talk about oall of this. Is she angry with you about something from way back when? Or even more recently?
Possibly counseling for the two of you would be in order. Start off one on one, each one of you, with the counselor. First meeting-the two of you-for a few sessions after that-one on one. Then see what the counselor would recommend.
Meanwhile, try the dating thing again. Even for a couple of hours-go for a walk, go bowling, dancing, swimming, something fun. Is she too tired at the end of the day? You are helping her.
Maybe the two of you should get (especially your wife) a complete physical. See what is going on. Is she feeling depressed? Having trouble sleeping?
I wish you all the best. Take care.

Answer 5

Sounds like you're honestly making the effort, so you're doing well in that respect, but she's not going for it. Honestly, you're just going to have to sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart conversation about it. Tell her that you want your marriage to be strong, fun and somewhat romantic! Let her know that you're trying and that you don't know what else to do. Ask her what she thinks about your relationship and whether she's happy. Her self esteem may be a little bit low, which is normal when women have babies. Their bodies change and they may never be in the mood because of it. Anyway, find out what's going on in her head! Maybe you guys can plan some walks together a few times a week to kind of get some alone time. You could always go to a marriage counsellor or sex therapist if you think it's out of hands. I'd try fixing stuff yourself first, but don't be afraid to get professional help if needed! It's your marriage! You take your child to the doctor when he or she is sick, right? Treat your marriage the same way. :)

Answer 6

This is not to be mean, but.....

You're being very selfish and you need to grow up.
Of course her life has changed now that she's taking care of YOUR children. And she will continue to be busy for the next 18 years or so, on different levels but they will always be her first concern. You have no idea I'm sure, how much pressure and responsibility she has on her. Instead of complaining why don't you try be more supportive. I'm sure that's not making her feel any better that you are so resentful. You say that she cannot go away for the weekend why? Is it because she needs reassurance that the kids will be alright? I think that would be your best bet honestly as a mom myself. Even if you can't do an entire weekend, maybe just an overnight thing alone. In the meantime, be more patient!

Maybe you can get some ideas from this site

http://www.askmen.com/fashion/travel_top_ten/10_travel_top_ten.html

Answer 7

You need to talk to her about it but be careful with your approach. Saying to her that she puts the kids before you may make her put up her defenses. I can tell you that my current boyfriend was divorced over a year ago and from that marriage he has a 5 year old little girl. She means the world to him and I will never (and I mean never!) be put first before her. It will just not happen. With that being said, I would make it as simple as possible. Tell her that you need to take time away...with just her. I am curious, you didnt say why she couldnt go away for the weekend...but for whatever reason it is, I am sure you can still plan something romantic close to home?

Still...you have to talk to her or you will continue to be miserable and no one will be happy. Divorce rates are around 50% nowadays. Talk to her...thats why my last relationship failed...and it lasted nearly 8 years and ended because we didn't say everything we needed to say when it could have made a difference. When all is said and done and you have talked to her...remember you need to be happy too. If she can't compromise that, you will have to face a decision of what is best for you. What will make you happy?

Answer 8

Sorry to hear that man. For one thing that is great for a mother to love thier children, but also love you and spend time with you also to keep your relationship together. I know that she don't see that and thinks everything is fine the way things are going with you both. Really whats going on with you is really serious, becuase one of thies days you will prob. end up seperated for the lack of attention your wife gives you. I know she loves the kids, but where is love for you everything that marriage is, is all about splitting what you own and feelings 50/50. Meaning you give you sometime for your kids and you spend time with your wife. Some how you need to sit down alone together and tell how you feel and what might happen if she does not understand whats going on between you. Allot of brake ups are due to lack of interest for each other.

Answer 9

She is and should be first and foremost a mother. Like it or not the kids need and deserve more attention than you do.

However, it is nice to get away for a while, and necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. Start slow, try planning a date that is all day, leave them with the grandparents from 8 am to 8 pm. Ease her into the idea of other people taking care of them. Once she is used to that, try a SHORT overnight say 7 pm until 10 am. Eventually her comfort level should build up to a weekend trip. Good luck!

Answer 10

Being a mother is EXHAUSTING and men can't seem to understand this at all. It isn't that she hasn't any interest in you or going out, it's that she is sooooooooo tired that when she does get some time without the children, all she wants to do is collapse and relax. Even though you help out, she probably still feels overwhelmed.

Maybe when the kids grow up a bit and don't need her as much, things will change.

Talk to her, though. Tell her that you're feeling neglected and not very loved at the moment. If you can talk about it, I'm sure that both of you will find some way around it.