Separated 6+ months, Ex depressed severely, what can i do? or even should i?

Question

It was my decision to separate. We will divorce. We have twins 1.5 yrs old. Since the separation, i never know what to expect - whether he'll be cordial or angry. Lately, his anger seems worse - he says hes depressed, he says he'd like to "end it all" and/or "run away". His friends have stepped aside while he's going through this, leaving only me a regular face to lash out at. Hes told another friend he thinks he needs help. This friend says i should find him help. Yet, dare i? Already he blames me for all the disappointment in his life now. I can just imagine if that doesnt work for him - another thing for him to lash out at me for. I really dont know what to do, or even who to talk to. . . any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

This isn't an easy thing... divorce, seperation... he is missing out on a lot of the bonding time that your kids need, because he isn't a full time dad, he is a visitor.

There's a part in the book "Co-dependant No More" that talks about emotional detachment. As long as you allow him to play on your sympathy, he will continue to do so. It makes him feel better to cause you pain like you did when you decided to seperate.

There are no easy cures. You are the source of his pain... he is realizing what he's lost, you know? Its not just a marriage... but he's lost access to his kids. The courts will be deciding how much time he gets with them... and for a lot of fathers that sucks big time.

You are going to have to let him go through it alone. Or at least, you can't help him. He needs to mourn the death of your marriage.... if he is having a hard time of it, then he needs to seek help. As long as he isn't a threat to you or your kids, leave him be. It takes time.... but in time, he'll get his act together.

Answer 2

Think about going to marriage counseling before you make any final decisions. The two of you have those twin girls to look out for. What he needs to do is totally leave you alone. It sounds hard and impossible but he must do it. That is where I made my mistake years ago when my wife and I got divorced. We got back together a year later but things weren't the same. I drove her to move in with another man. After I had left her alone she had time to think and wanted to come back. It's been 12 years and a few weeks ago we started seeing a counselor again.
It took me 6 months to get over our seperation so your ex may be close to being done with it.
If both of you will speak from your hearts and not out of anger, I believe great things can be accomplished.
Don't help him. He has to help himself. Avoid him as much as possible but do try counseling. You obviously have nothing to lose but you also have a family to gain back. Good luck to you all.

Answer 3

What's very very important is that if you really know that your going to divorce him, you need to stick to your guns. Don't give him even a glimmer of hope that you may get back together. Yes, he sounds like he may need help, or it's just a manipulitive tactic he's putting on you. You are not a therapist, and counseling and help can be suggested or maybe even pushed more by his parents or relatives.

Right now, it's about the twins. Not you or him. He needs to understand that you and he are over, and there is no you and him.

He will heal at some point. I would keep contact down to a minimum. It should only be about the twins and the attorneys can handle the legal matters on the divorce.

If he tries to talk about you and him, you need to immediately stop the conversation and either leave or hang up.

I've seen my friends go through divorces like this and the key is not to enable him at all.

Answer 4

Well, try to look at it from a different vantage point.....most people get asked what they would if they only have a day, a week, a month to live....and usually they answer with their dreams, things they have always wanted to do but never had the guts/energy/money to do. Now,i am not telling you to go blow all your money or go crazy. Just thi.k about what means most to you or what dfeam youhad as a little kid. You can reconnect with old friends, take a roadtrip, join a club, volunteer or reconsider connecting with a faith community. It is your choice. The idea is to live your life in the most meaningful way possible. Also, maybe you should consider joining a support group. I hope everything goes well for you. God bless you.

Answer 5

Well, you can find him help but that doesn't mean he'll take it.

WHY did you separate? Did you find another man?

Sounds like he has the potential to do something stupid, so I'd talk to a therapist about this, try to get him some counseling, and perhaps even alert the local police to what is going on and let them know you're worried about his state of mind.

Finally, DO NOT be alone with him for ANY reason. Meet in public places and make sure you have good locks on all your doors and windows....and preferrably a security system. You never know.

Answer 6

He can't handle that he has been rejected by you. That is NOT your fault or your problem. He needs some counseling and all you can do is suggest it. I would also like to caution that if he is severely depressed and possibly suicidal it may be a good idea that he not see the kids unsupervised until he has those feeling under control. You never want to assume that someone you once loved would hurt their own children, but they do, even unintentionally. Plus, you want your children taken care of while in his care and he may not be providing them with the best possible care in his condition.

Answer 7

Seeing you is a constant reminder...it was your decision so who is the guilty one? One can not make another love them...and if the love is over ..what? If he is suicidal he may become homicidal then the twins and you will be in harms way...his friends did the best thing stay away and left you holding the ball.

Answer 8

I agree with Daljack.

Sounds to me like he's blaming others for his unhappiness- which is immature. He should look for help if he feels depressed and confused.

If you have already separated and have decided to go ahead with the divorce, then getting involved with this issue will only cause you grief and stress.

I'd say talk to his family about this, give them info. they can give to him, and be unavailable from now on. He's an adult and he should be able to make his own decisions. I believe both he and his friends are making you the scapegoat here, and want you to feel guilty. This is classical manipulation...so don't fall for it!

Answer 9

He needs to visit the Psych unit of a hospital to get necessary treatment.
If he is saying he would like to "end it all"...have the police step in to assess the situation.
Severe depression is not going to get better all on its own. If he is feeling suicidal, there is obviously not much time to get him help.

Answer 10

It sounds like your soon to be ex is manipulating you. People who commit suicide don't generally go running around saying thier depressed and should kill themselves to thier friends and ex partners.

This reminds me of the boy we all "talked to" in highschool who decides he can get with you or save a relationship if he threatens to kill himself if you don't date him. It's very juvinielle.

No wonder his friends have all run for the hills. Your soon to be ex is crazy, sucidial no, but crazy yes.

You seperated from him and your responsibility for him is over. Speak with him about the children and nothing else. Have him refer any conversation to your lawyer.

Alert your lawyer that he may be suicidal which would detrimental for the children if they are in his care at anytime. Your lawyer can have him under go a psychological evulation before further visititation happens.

Tell your ex, that if he brings up suicide, you will speak with his doctor about the behavior. If the threatens suicide, tell him you will call 911 for him. Be prepared to make good on those things. Make it clear those are the only "helpful" things you will do for him.

You are only repsonsible for yourself and your children now, stop listening to him and his friend and start enjoying your freedom from his snarkiness.