Should I let my kids move in with their dad even though...?

Question

our home life has a greater focus on responsibility, morality, values, and aspirations.

There would be rules at their Dad's house but he/they are more slack in the way that they deal with people. i.e. Saying they'll do something for/with someone and then never following through. Saying they'll pay someone back for a loan or private purchase and never doing it. (Those traits really bother me and I fear they will pass on to my kids if they live there full time.)

Their Dad's school system is not in as good of shape as ours. He/They don't have high aspirations. i.e. Being a laborer is good enough. (It's okay and lots of us live that way, but wouldn't you rather your child reached a little higher--AT LEAST TO START WITH???)

My son and daughter are 12 and almost 14. Are my fears legitimate? Emotionally, as hard as it is, I'm ready to let them go BUT I'm afraid of making a choice that will hamper their future success and immediate best interest.

(I frankly would enjoy being the one they

miss, and who has the greener grass LOL :o)

I meant to say he doesn't have high aspirations.

There is nothing WRONG with being a laborer. Both my husband and I are. But let's face it, statistically speaking, educated people tend to be more financially stable and fulfilled in that, they can afford to do things. This is not just my opinion. You can read about it all over the place.

WHY I'm asking this is because they want to move in with him. What I'm wondering is, would the move be beneficial or detrimental to them as people and their futures.

As their parent I want to promote situations that help them grow strong.

I'm not trying to be mean or snobby here. I just don't want to screw my kids lifes up. My whole family is telling me I'm crazy for even considering letting them move there (but they're even more overprotective than me and they don't think the kids should have a say in it)

Looking for outside, unbiased opinions...

Answer 1

If your kids are wanting to then maybe you should let them. If you don't how do you think they are going to start acting toward you. Their dad may not want them to live with him. He may just be saying that because he already knows you won't let them and then it will give hin the upper hand on your kids feeling. If on the other hand they go ,he may suddenly change his mind and want you to take them back. Your actions speak loud and clear to them so just believe in yourself that you've already instilled good values in them that they will take with them. And besides it's not like you won't still be there to guide them. So let them go and trust what you've already taught them and you maybe be surprise. They just want to see what it would be like with him. After a few weeks or even months they maybe ready to come home. Just let them know that even if they only stay a day if they change their minds the front door is open.

Answer 2

Wow tough question but yes the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, until you visit that side, and until you visit that side, it never becomes apparent. You have to believe that how you have raised your children has indeed left an impression upon them at the same time you must let them experience what life's different ways have to offer. Being told or taught how things work and experiencing them are two different things, and life's experiences is the biggest teacher. Children are more attuned to things going around them than you would expect to believe and just might find out that you have been right. Only time will tell. You raise them the best you can, and that is all you can do is be there when they fall, and unfortunately all will fall in some form or another, just is the way of life. Let them make their mistakes, and learn from them, did not we all? Hard I know but prepares them for life, you cannot control another's life no matter how much you try they will end up either abandoning you, or becoming closer to you. I let my kids make their mistakes as I did, but was there when they needed help, am still there, without scolding, without saying you should of done this or that, just teaching and addressing the problem as to where it is at the time. As parents we can only be guidance counselors whether that guidance is accepted or not is up to the children, then we are there to pick up the pieces and offer love and additional guidence without placing blame

Answer 3

I would say let them go. Once they have been there for a while they may find they would rather be there with mom. If you tell them no, they may take it out on you. And if their dad wants them bad enough he could take you to court, and I'm sure you don't want to drag your kids through that mess. And I think hard working parents have a lot to teach there kids, no matter what type of job it is. Watching your parents get up and go to work every day is a great learning experience, even if it was flipping burgers. I think all your fears are legit, as ity shows you want the best for your children. However, it's important to remember to allow them to spread their wings and to have a little freedom to make their own choices and learn from the results, good or bad. It sounds like you truly have your kid's best interests at heart. Good luck!

Answer 4

If it were me - I would let them visit their dad, but not live there full time. I believe like you do that their eduation is the MOST IMPROTANT THING RIGHT NOW!!!!
Kids need to have boundries and know that there are consequences for the things that they do. It sounds to me like you and your husband are not on the same page when it comes to the childrens education, responsibilities, chores, moralities and values, etc.
While there is nothing wring with being a laborer, it is hard work, and probably will not have the benefits that another type of job will offer.
It sounds like you are doing a good job of trying to raise your children to be responsible adults who will have values that they can take with them through out their lives.
I have three kids. They are all responsible. Two are in the service and the other one is starting college kind of late.

Answer 5

Is this a joint custody or sole custody matter? Do the kids want to move in with dad and if so what are the reasons? If the home he has is large enough for them and he gives them all their basic needs there is little you can do to stop them if they choose to move in. I believe after the age of 14 that most can appeal the court to allow them to decide. There would be several factors where the law will not allow. You need to check on those to see where you stand.
Most kids when they reach teenage years yearn to be with the other parent if he/she has not played a major part in their lives, for instance if their home was not the primary residence.
Don't worry they will always love you since you have been a good mother and given them their needs and the reassurance you are always there for them with open arms.

Answer 6

First ask you are not going to be abel to haevthe greener grass with or with out your kids if you can't solve the main issue. Why do they want to move in with him, seems like something is missing on your side where your kids don't value the benefits of education. I am a singel mom, with eight children my oldest lives away from home to go to school and the rest are home with me I have a son's 13 and 15 and they both want to live with thier dads to get away with all the things they cant with me. It's not a hard choice really because with me they may get what I want them to have but that dosent mean the will get what they want.

Answer 7

Your children are old enough to make up their own minds as to where they want to live. It's not what YOU feel they should want but what they want. Sounds to me as if you are a bit "upiddy" and look down upon their father as if he was a lesser person for being who he is. Maybe the kids know better than you what type of a person he is. Maybe it's time you looked at the person YOU are and what you are teaching your children (intolerance, bigotry)

Answer 8

It sounds like you have looked at the situation from a realistic view rather than a personal view. You mentioned school system, education, lack of moral values and responsibilities at the father's.

Despite your kids wanting to live with their Dad, sometimes you have to be the bad guy and look out for their best. It sounds like living with you rather than their Dad would be the best for them right now.

Answer 9

Frankly, it's difficult to say.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a laborer. So in that regard, you need to stop being such a snob.

On the other hand, your children are becoming teenagers. They are going to need specific, clear boundaries now more than ever, and it sounds like you are providing those.

The kids need to love and respect their father, but I'd have them stay where they are, while continuing to let them visit their father as much as they can.

You don't say WHY you are considering this....I wonder about that.

Answer 10

I am in the exact same situation that you are in. My almost-12 year old son desperately wants to live with his dad and step-mom. First of all, as difficult as it may be, you have to put your own feelings aside - i.e. that you would enjoy being the one they miss. What it all boils down to is what is in the best interest of your children. And for that very reason, I refuse to let my son go and live permanently with his dad and stepmom. I think one of the reasons his dad wants him to come and live with him permanently is so that he won't have to pay any more child support, which has always been a thorn in his side. So, you basically have to decide what is in your kids' best interest, even if that decision does not make them happy. Kids are pretty impressionable and easily swayed at the ages of 12-15, especially if you have an ex-husband like mine that is constantly brainwashing them and promising them all kinds of things just to get the kids to come and live with them. Your fears are extremely legitimate, and you may very well be making a choice that will hamper their future success and immediate best interest. But, every situation is different. You have to ask yourself: Would your kids be better off (in all aspects - physically, emotionally, financially, future-wise, and anything else that is important to you) with you or your ex? Given my personal situation, my son is better off at his age, for now, if he does not live with his dad permanently. But, like I said, every situation is different. Just ask yourself: Are my kids better off with me or my ex? If they are better off with you for now, they will have plenty of time to live with their dad when they are a little older. Best of luck to you. It is a tough decision with no easy answer.