Should we force my elderly blind aunt to move to a assisted living, or retirement home, or leave her be?

Question

My Aunt is 85, and has macular degeneration in both eyes, so she can't see very well ! She can no longer drive, and cannot read, and can barely write. She is living alone about a hour away, and has no one to help her. My mom and I go visit each month or 2, and take her shopping, and do work around her house. She has had one injury,going down her back stairs, and I am afraid she may have another one. She has lived there all her life, never married or had kids. Since my grandmother died, she has been alone. Her house is a mess, she doesnt have good hygine. Doesnt, take baths very often, and never brushes her teeth. She cooks on a stove that is 70 years old, and gets hot. The house is falling apart. ceiling peeling off.

She is very old fashioned, and set in her ways, not to mention stubborn! How can we convince her to move in our city, in a retirement home, or assisted living. Or is it even right to try. Should we leave her there to live the rest of her days, like she seems to want?

Hey Ray T: My Aunt is perfectly capable of going to the store herself. She can take a cab for $6, or she has someone who will do it for $10, or she can take dial a ride. But she is too cheap, and would rather make us responibe for her groceries, rather than pay a few dollars. And she has plenty of money! More that we do! We pay for gas, wear and tear on are cars, and I've even lost days at work to go help her! So she makes herself our responsibility, and we do it, because we want to. She just might be happier, in better living conditions, being able to talk to other people, get her own groceries, and taking care of herself while she still can. I'm going to fine a nice place, because she can afford it, like a nice apartment with a patio, and she can decide if she would like to live there or not!

Answer 1

That is SUCH a hard call, and my heart goes out to you and your mother. My choice with my own mother was to do exactly as you two are doing now. You might see if you can get your aunt a homemaker through senior services in your state to help with her housework, but I think letting her be is probably the best. My mother passed last year, but it was in her home, with her things, her cat and her pride. She could have lived a little longer with more care, perhaps, but there is also a chance that she could have been so upset that she might have given up, at which point all the care in the world usually doesn't make a difference. Best of luck with whatever you decide and don't let anyone judge you ar try to make you feel guilty.

Answer 2

You know...my parents chose their retirement home already and have been putting money into it since they were in their 50's. They took their kids out their to share with them the reason's this was the most suitable place for them. My parents are in their late 60's and early 70's now and don't anticipate having to live their until their late 80's or 90's. (We live long lives in our family). But, I must tell you the home they selected is very nice in the country about an hours drive and the people are all of the same organization of which they belong. I think if you look, you will find something your aunt feels suited for and they have assisted living homes as well where they are on their own, but someone comes everyday to check on how they are doing possibly even bringing meals and medications if necessary.

Answer 3

It sounds like you need to call the Adult Protective Services in your area and let them know that you have (what is basically) an emergency situation with your aunt. They will send somebody over to check into her living conditions and if they think it is warranted they will have somebody go to the house an inspect it to see if it is still safe enough to be livable. If not it will be condemned and she will forced to move out. If you or your mom can for the time being put her up with you and Adult Protective Services will inform the courts that that is only a very temporary situation and you or your mother will more than likely need to apply to be appointed as her legal guardian to where one of you can also over see her fiancial needs even. She will more than likely resist but you are going what is in her best interest. Good luck!

Answer 4

It takes about 5 years for anyone to put any money or property in trust so that they can get help with housing, that is IF you can ever get through to the Social Security Office. They have a way of putting off answering your questions by never being in their off ice, or 'out' visiting someone or other excuses. You need a lawyer to explain these things to you. You may find places to live in smaller cities that have accomodations for low income people, but there will not be resources in those places for medical help if that is needed. You need to contact Medicare who will be able to guide you to elder care individuals who will know of some places that will help you find the right place for your loved ones. Your income is monitored every year and you pay only a percentage of your income to some places, but there is still no medical help if that is needed. Goodluckand God bless you.

Answer 5

My aunt had macular degeneration and lived alone until her 80th birthday. She had a studio apartment and a chore girl to come clean and was doing good. When mom called her on her 80th birthday she said good thing you called I am moving to a bed an breakfast. Her daughter had told her she was moving her to a place where they would give her a nice room and meals like a bed and breakfast. She seemed to like it there but when mom called the next time she had had a stroke and didn't remember who she was.
My grandma lived alone until she was 96 but she wasn't blind. Her house was dirty and she didn't see the dirt but it wasn't messy and no dirty dishes. She got really forgetful and her daughters wanted her to go to assisted living but she refused. She fell and broke her leg just before her 97th birthday so the hospital sent her to a nursing home then she was transfered to assisted living, she only lived 2 years after she broke her leg and never got home again.
If someone is in their right mind leave them alone.

Answer 6

Based on our experience, hiring a live-in caretaker is much cheaper, and she will be happier.

When our doctor recommended we put my mother in a home, we paid all the required fees, and visited frequently, and she still wasn't cared for properly, plus the worst thing was when they raised the monthly payment for the third time during the first year, and told us we could either pay the extra (which we couldn't afford) or they would throw her out.

That's when I took her home with me, and cared for her for the last 5 years of her life.

P.S. when we talked to other people, we found out the home make a practice of quoting low-ball prices to get people moved in, and then raised the price over and over.

Answer 7

Your aunt has rights.

Sorry to say, she can live how she wants even if it is what you describe.

The answer that gives her a choice, might be good.
If you can find someone who is Willing to live in and your aunt will agree to. She would be miserable in an institution.

If you can get an agency involved to either help her or deem her incompetent to care for herself and therefore a danger to herself, then you can make decisions for her.

My gut feeling is leave her be. Buy her a new stove.

Answer 8

Your aunt is lucky to have your care and concern. Unfortunately, as has already been said, the answer to this is not an easy one.

There are people who help seniors and families deal with these types of situations not far from where you live. If you want to talk to "real people"who are familiar with services that can help seniors and their caregivers--especially those who are in the "low-income" ranges-- and who are good at listening and at cutting through red tape, I would highly recommend that you connect with your local Area Agency on Aging.

Area Agencies on Aging are one of the best kept secrets around for older Americans and their families who are seeking information and answers to questions like this one. There is an Area Agency on Aging not far from where you live, since this is a national network. The staff there will visit with you and guide you to information about services and options that might be available to you and your your aunt. They would know about what helps, supports and in-home service options are available where your aunt lives. They are very familiar with Medicare, Medicaid, housing options and other services in your state and community. If they don't know the answer to a particular question--they will know the person who can provide the answer.

It is important to know that these organizations are not "selling" any particular product or service so the information you, your aunt and your family will recieve will be objective.

You can call toll-free 1-800-677-1116 to find how to contact the Area Agency serving you. When you call your local Area Agency on Aging, ask for the "Information and Assistance" or the person that provides "Help for Family Caregivers." Then, when you visit with this person, explain your situation.

Since your aunt is alone, she is likely struggling with some form of depression or isolation. This problem affects lots of seniors and is usually not diagnosed. (Most people think it is "old age." ) The point is that you want to help your aunt maintain her dignity and make sure she is truly involved in decisions. Knowing that you genuinely care about her health and safety is a great starting point.

Another thing to know is that Area Agencies on Aging have resources and support services that help older Americans' caregivers. You might find lots of other helpful information by making this call.

If you do contact your local Area Agency on Aging and like the help that they give you, let your local county officials and your folks in Congress know, too. Area Agencies on Aging don't have big budgets--their funding comes from the Older Americans Act and appropriations have not increased for years! Your voluntary financial contribution of any amount--which is absolutely not required to get the help you need to answer this question--would certainly be appreciated.

Hope this helps! Thanks for a great question and best wishes to you and your aunt!

Answer 9

In the name of all that's sacred why do you want to send her to a Martha Stewart prison? That's what those homes are. There are agencies that supply in-home services for the elderly. If you are really concerned about the old lady and not just guilty and resentful as you appear to be, than contact social services and get her in home help. Then you won't have to go out of your way to "each month or two" get her groceries. Milk and bread every two months? No wonder the old lady is a grouch. I would be too if I had to drink sower milk!
P,S. I am 79 and nothing I dislike more than interfering relatives telling me how to live!!!

Answer 10

Your Aunt clearly lives in a world of her own - alone by herself and removed from Society. It is your Aunt's failing physical condition that worries you - considering that your Aunt has become accident-prone.

I share your concerns - as my late Mother was much like your Aunt. My Mother died at 84 yrs old - after 2 years of full dependency. Up to the age of 82, Mother lived a "Challenged Life" living alone in her own house by herself. Despite the genuine love between Mother and Children, "Generation Gap" was a reality we had to accept as a Fact-of-Life.

Given my experience of Mother and your present concerns of your Aunt, the challenge for us is to create a "New Environment" - like bringing together "Aunts" (with similar backgrounds) who might likely relate to one another by sharing the same "Home".