How does someone get over infertility and get on with their life?

Question

being childless? We have tried for three years and no luck. I am very upset about it and am looking for a way to learn to get on with my life and forget about kids. I am a substitute teacher and not so sure that is very smart or not. I don't really know if it is helping or hurting me.

My husband does not want to do the sperm testing for obvious reasons. He considered adoption but he wants us both to get good jobs first. I just don't understand. Even a good job is not a guarentee of financial security. It could still be lost for various reasons.

Answer 1

I find the fact that your husband is refusing testing to be very unsupportive. 33% of infertility cases are due to the woman, 33% are due to the man, and 33% are due to both the man and the woman. However, men are more reluctant to get the testing. There is so much that can be done to help you conceive, even in the most dire of circumstances.

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 7 years. Does it get better? Yes. Does it ever go away? No.
I love how "fertile" people say that adoption will magically make the pain go away. We have been thinking about having a baby and being pregnant since we were children when we stuffed pillows and Cabbage Patch Kids up our shirts (admit it, we've all done it). I describe it this way to the fertile people: Imagine that you have been dreaming about having a baby since you were a child, you imagined the baby in your head, you picked out names. You get married and get pregnant, carry the baby for 9 months, go through hours of labor and at the end, you cradle your beautiful baby in your arms. Then, a nurse walks into the room with another baby. She takes your beautiful newborn from you and hands you the different baby. The nurse begins to walk away with your newborn as you scream hysterically, "GIVE ME BACK MY BABY!" The nurse turns to you, "You can have this one. She's not yours, but you can adopt her and she's just as good." That's what it feels like whenever people assume that the pain of depression will disappear when we adopt. I've been dreaming of a biological child for 30 years and that is a dream that is hard to abandon. You will still love that adopted baby, but that longing to be pregnant will always be there.
The fertile take their fertility for granted. Which is probably why they will never understand what we’re going through. They will never know how it feels to want something that is in such abundance. I liken it to dying of dehydration, while standing in front of a water fountain. Everyone else can drink, there’s lots of water, but I can’t seem to turn the handle on the fountain.
We have decided to adopt, something we always wanted to do. And I will love that child as if it was my own. But I will always want a biological child. When we came to this conclusion, people automatically assumed that my depression would be cured. It has made the depression better, but I still get sad when I hear that a baby was killed or neglected and jealous when one of my friends or patients "accidentally" get pregnant and then have abortions.
There are a couple of things that helped me through this. I had to learn to accept what I could and could not change. I had to stop thinking like a victim. Infertility wasn't something I did to myself and it wasn't something that was done to me. I did advocacy work, working with Resolve to help others become parents. I also talked to others, joining online support groups and local "real-life" support groups. And throughout this all, my husband has been by my side, at every appointment, every decision. You know your limits better than everyone else. You know best how difficult it is to work with kids. If it is too painful, maybe you should think about teaching older kids. Or, you may get intense satisfaction from working with the younger kids. If this is the case, keep what you are doing. You know what is best for you because you know yourself the best.

Answer 2

Have you considered adoption?
My wife and I married late in life and infertility appeared to be a problem, we talked about and then followed through on adoption and now we have four adopted children. I know it is not for everyone. There may be other options. Many people think adoption is expensive, and it is, but there are loans and grants out there. Life is not over and sometimes we have to look into areas we never considered before. Good luck and may God bless you!

Answer 3

If you have tried all avenues to conceive, but still have not, put your love of children to good use in your life. Keep teaching. Good teachers (including substitutes) are difficult to find. Mothers and their children will appreciate your dedication, and you will make an impact for a lifetime. Some couples who quit attempting to conceive are surprised to find themselves expecting when the stress is no longer there. Adoption and foster care are other considerations if one cannot conceive. Share your love with a child who needs you.

Answer 4

I am sure you have been asked this question many times before, so please forgive me for asking again "Have you thought of adopting?" There are so many children out there that need loving parents, so many children that are hurting because they feel that they haven't anyone that really cares about them. If you open your heart to adopt, then you may find that your pain will disappear. I wish you well.

Answer 5

Maybe you could adopt children? Have you tried artifical insemination? You should visit a doctor before you lose hope.

Answer 6

You don't need to forget about kids, adopt or try other things. Science is so advanced.

Answer 7

the only way Mumps would be cause of concern is if he had them in his genitals. (does not matter the age) if he had them in his throat then that really shouldn't be a problem... but i'd have him looked at either way. wish you all the best!