Falling, falling deep and under
Falling, falling into the thunder
Thinking my emotions will swallow me
If i don't let you know quickly
But then i know as soon as i let you in
I'll push you out again
2007-07-01 03:54:23 · 8 answers · asked by NeeNa N 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I like the concept of the poem and I like the feeling. It lacks rhythm. For instance read the first two lines without the word the before thunder and the rhythm fixes there. Take out thinking in line 3 and it helps the rhythm there. The last two lines would need a little more to get there rhythm in sync.
2007-07-01 04:23:07 · answer #1 · answered by gypsymama 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Starts out okay, then falls. "Quickly" needs emphasis on the last syllable, which is unnatural. The final couplet doesn't rhyme. You can do better. Love the concept, though of someone who tries, but can't make a commitment. Keep writing.
2007-07-01 11:02:58 · answer #2 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good but needs a smoother transition between lines 2 and 3
2007-07-01 10:58:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You surely have talent! I'm a poet to. Very good to be so young. Keep up the good work.
2007-07-01 11:54:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good. To the point. I can relate.
2007-07-01 12:08:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad
keep it up and you will improve
2007-07-01 11:02:01 · answer #6 · answered by JJ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hm. It's okay but that's my opinion.
2007-07-01 10:58:37 · answer #7 · answered by ruaryx 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
THAT WAS CLEAN.
2007-07-02 23:50:33 · answer #8 · answered by baby gurl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋