My kids want to move in with their Dad. Advice Please.?

Question

My 12 and 14 year old want to move in with their Dad. One side of me says, let them go and the other says that their home with me benefits them more now and the experiences/exposures they will get living here will be aid them in adulthood.

First point: They want to go experience life with Dad.

The school district they would be moving to is 4 times as large as the one they're in now. There's more drugs there.

The school there is about 30 minutes away vs. ours that is 8 minutes away. It's easy to run them back and forth for extra-curricular activities.

Here, they have access to a wide variety of small scale culture-artsy events as well as opportunity to interact with an eclectic group of people. (This is a recreation area with many early retirees from all over the world. It's not your average small town.)

Their Dad and myself are both happily remarried and have had more children.

I worry about moving the kids to his house (3 hours away) because I fear they won't get as much

exposure to a wide variety of sports and activities. ---The kinds of things you can do as a child and adult and WITH your family. Not just school sports like volleyball and basketball.

I worry that he won't actively encourage them to go to college or do ANYTHING that is out of his comfort zone.

He works a 40+ hour week. His wife has a daycare in their home plus has a 15 year old son, a 7 year old son and a 3 year old son.

My schedule is more flexible. I have a 2 and 3 year old. So either house would be packed with kids!

Sounds terrible but I just fear that if I allow my kids to move there they won't grow up as well-rounded. Is this a valid fear?

Last point: The kids want to move there.

Please share your insights, RESOURCES, and opinions. THank you.

Answer 1

Give it a one year trial. You are attempting to solve some problems that are not yours. The kids need to understand that this is a one-year (minimum) commitment on their part.
What they are requesting is that 4 happily married adults change their lives in order to give them this "experience". They are old enough to learn to deal with consequences of their choices.
What does their father think about it? Is his entire family, including the "more children" willing to give up things they have now in order for these two children to "experience life with Dad". Dad and his new family need to commit to the same one-year minimum.

Answer 2

She runs a daycare and has kids 15, 7 and 3? And she's up for a 12 and 14 year old? She's either a saint or out of her mind......

My psychic powers tell me your kids are not going to like what is expected of them in that household.

I ran a daycare. You clean in the morning, you serve meals all day, and you clean after hours. The big kids really shouldn't be interacting with the toddlers. You're expected to monitor two age groups at once. and you stay exhausted.

And he's working 40 plus hours a week.

Why not do it on a trial basis for the summer. Let them go, and see what they think. Even with a 3 year old and a 4 year old in the home, they haven't experienced the chaos of many toddlers in their home.....

As long as their happy, they can stay. That should last about 10 minutes.

If I know kids.

Answer 3

Kids often want to live where they think life would be more fun. Is this the case?
I believe kids should live where the values, morality, and consequences for bad behavior are. This is not a decision for the kids to make, but a decision that should be made in their best interest.
One homelife has a greater sense of responsiblity, morality, values, and aspirations. That is where the children should live, regardless of where they think they would have more fun.
As long as you, the mother, are not the wicked witch of the east --flying off the handle irrationally or a very moody and angry person---then the kids are probably basing their decision on which life would be more fun, and that might just be a red flag.

Answer 4

Your children are old enough to make this choice, providing their father can provide a safe, nurturing environment. If it's a wrong choice, they'll learn from it.
As far as moving to a larger school district and their exposure to drugs, don't fool yourself. I live in a community with small schools and (generally) caring teachers, counselors, etc. The drug problem is bad here. We've had a few o.d.'s and the community is just waking up. Drugs are everywhere and if your child is going to do them, s/he will do them even if you put them in a convent.
I know it's a tough decision but perhaps you can let them move in for a "trial" move. Good luck.

Answer 5

I wouldn't let them. I don't agree with other answers who think your kids are "old enough" to know what they want. They are teenagers, they are in a difficult age and they don't know what they want.....

You, as their mother, should be the grownup here and tell them that you will decide what is best for them until they are at least 18! (I'm sorry if I sound like a Nazi, but I too am a mom and although my child has a good dad, both he and I know he wouldn't be the dad his child needs right now.)

Please think it over and do not allow your kids to manipulate you. You are the older and wiser one here.

Answer 6

You need to think about what is in the best interest of the child. You also have to think on about their reaction to your decision. Will they resent you for not letting them live with their dad. They also might decide to come back after living with their dad for a while.

Many courts will take into account the wishes of a child the age of yours. I have seen where the child as young as 10 make the decision as to which parent they live with and the courts agrees to it. You will be facing an uphill battle their.

I can feel your pain because I am a single dad of a young girl and may have to face your decision one day. I hope I make the right decision if it comes to it.

Answer 7

It is Their Dad, isn't it? Let your kids experience the life with dad. It is only fair. If you don't, you will do unjustuce to your kids and as they grow older they will recent that and you will always be the blame. What difference doe it make that if you or he got remarried? I have 3 children and my wife has 3 children and we got to learn to accept and do live in harmony. Let the kids decide for themselves and dont interfere.

Answer 8

think about what is best for the kids. Will they have a better life with you, or their father? There is always a time when you need to let go. If they move in with their father, they will miss you, and you will get phonecalls, and big hugs when you see them. They wont be happy if you make them stay, but kids dont know what they want. You know your kids, and you know whats best for them. Only you can make this descision.

Answer 9

Ohhh I have been in your shoes TWICE! It's the old theory "the grass is always greener on the other side..." My sons who are now 17 and 19 both at different times in their lives, threatened me with going to live with their father. The first couple of times I couldn't believe it. I cried like a baby. How could they WANT to leave me?! I wasn't re-married, it had always been just the three of us. They were seeing their father every other weekend, wasn't that enough? Obviously not. I hardened myself up for the "next" time it was going to happen and I envisioned my life without having my son (or sons) living with me. What would I do? My ex isn't remarried either and doesn't live too terribly far away, maybe three counties, approx. 70 miles. I knew that I'd be able to see them, I just wouldn't be a part of their everyday life like I was programmed. Next time came and I was better prepared. I told them before they left, this is YOUR decision, YOU will have to stick with it. IF YOU decide to go, you must commit to at least ONE school year. Then I asked if they needed help packing. After the first couple of months, they wanted to come back "home". The grass was not as green as originally thought. They LOVED their weekends home with me, they missed the everyday life that they were accustomed. I stood by my original words, this was their committment, not mine. They came home every chance they got with weekends and school holidays. The last day of school they pretty much had their bags packed and ready to go. Now I just use it as a threat! LOL good luck!

Answer 10

Girl, don't do it!!! I got custody of my children after the divorce, and it was a wicked battle! However, I won custody, and for years afterward she would poison their minds with little lies and horrible predictions of the future. The won that hurt the most was that she would die if they didn't come live with her. After years and years of constant court dates and fighting, I stupidly allowed them to go with her as a trial period. One immediately got on drugs, then, later on both suffered psychologically from the experience. Both are losers now! One can't keep a job and is in and out of jail, the other is a raging alcoholic. You were given custody of the children for a reason! YOU are the BEST choice just as I was the best choice. Don't make my mistake! They need security! Watch for signs that daddy is poisoning their minds, and if so, sue him! Stay the course and you will not no near the regret I am facing every day!