Non-bitter women answer this fidelity question please.?

Question

I have my marriage issues, but that aside, as men, we want to know why it is you think the way you do.

I have seen hundreds of surveys and heard from many women that one of your concerns(if not the primary concern) is your husbands fidelity, yet you spend little time or focus on our sexual satisfaction.

I don't want to argue sex drives or how men treat women... I just want an explanation as to your logic.

If I were worried about my mortgage payments... would it make sense to rarely pay? or not pay enough when I do pay?

Please don't argue that guys want it too much... I just want to focus on why women worry about something they do virtually nothing about. Or worse yet... they do the ONE THING that would guarantee infidelity... lack of good sex...

Personally, I don't need sex more than once every 2 weeks anymore, so I am not asking for more sex... just a bit of understanding.

One gal hoped her hubby didn't cheat while on the road but they had sex once every month???

For a woman to be enough for her man we need to look at the definition of enough...

"The amount required"

So why do women expect results that don;t line up with their actions?

"He isn't satisfied with sex" should logically equal - "There is a much higher probability he will cheat"

Lynn... sorry to hear that....

Did your hubby "SAY" it was enough...
most likely he is that one in a thousand guy who cheats no matter what. He's stupid!

Try to focus on the difference between a womans action and her expected results...

I get enough sex... too much... it's not about my sex life... its about why women expect results that don't match their actions.

Answer 1

This goes both ways.... I guess we just hear about it more because sex is essentially more important to men.

Most women at some point can take it or leave it... they lose focus on their husbands and the importance of meeting their needs. Alot of women get very self centered... they put theirselves or their kids first.... forgetting that their marriage needs to be nurtured as well. We live in a society where we are encouraged to do all for our children, ourselves... yet very few want to focus on the importance of doing all for our spouses. Marriage is not a piece of paper that gives us permission to ignore our spouse, torture our spouse, or demand from our spouse. It's supposed to confirm our committment to nurture our spouse, be there for our spouse, do what we can for our spouse.

Too many people are all about take, take, take. What can you do for me? What can you give me? They forget that the key to happiness, to lasting love, to devotion and committment isn't about what they can get, it's about what they can GIVE. When you can give without expecting anything back you will find that not only are you happier, but your spouse will be more likely to take on that same attitude of giving.

As for the sex.. I don't understand why women think it's okay to withhold sex to punish their husbands. Their husbands are NOT their children... it is not their right to discipline them. Sex is important to the marriage... it should not be used as leverage. I don't understand things like "I have a headache" (sex usually helps a headache!).... or I'm too tired (too tired to have sex which is wonderful and brings you closer, but never too tired to run over and help out a friend). It boggles my mind quite honestly.

Answer 2

Interesting thread.

I think people cheat for a number of reasons and it is not primarily the sex , or lack of it.

It seems to be a response to the perception that the cheater is getting something outside of the relationship they are not getting from their partner. It could be security, the fun lust feeling, affection, praise, comfort, compliments, a chance to revisit youth and of course just plain sex.
I think guys are wired to indulge in the just plain sex part and like some variety occasionally. I tend to think that women go for the emotional aspects and support.
Maybe that is the reason there is such a disconnect in understanding.

I do know that much of my faithfullness has depended on the lack of available situations as well as not being posessed with the line of crap that is required to bed most women.
Where I'm concerned, once having been a "victim", I understand how it can rip one apart and destroy your ability to ever recover.

Although sex is important, the lack of it at home indicates that there are other factors at work. That is the reason I view the lack of intimacy as a big red flag not necessarily the reason
for infidelity. It is a major symptom of underlying issues.

One thing I have never understood is the logic of with holding
sexuality as a way of trying to change things. That attitude discounts that there is benefit for both partners and it seems a bit self defeating.

Answer 3

Men cheat for different reasons. And I've read articles where the women were having sex with their husbands 2, 3, 4 times a week and the men would still cheat.

In my opinion, a person cheats either because they believe they can get away with it, or it's to fill some empty void they have in their life.
Either way, it's the cheaters issue that has a deleterious affect on the family unit involved.

Answer 4

I think to assume that men only cheat because of a "lack of good sex" is really making men sound pretty shallow. I think the reason men (and women) cheat is because they encounter someone who makes them feel good about themselves. This could be on a sexual level, emotional, financial, spiritual. I've seen it all. To me, it's important for spouses to stay plugged in on ALL levels. This is why communication is so important in a marriage. If you know your spouse has an area that isn't being stimulated, be it sexual or whatever, it is totally your responsibility to help them get to a place where they feel fulfilled. I don't believe that another person makes you happy, I believe that another person adds to your happiness. Cheating is never the answer. If you are unable to resolve issues and your partner can't give you whatever it is that you need, you get out and move on. Why cheat and possibly ruin the other persons ability to have a normal, healthy relationship. Cheating is a selfish and childish way for someone to get what they want at the expense of another. .... Just my 2 cents....

Answer 5

What if the man doesn't know how to please the woman, in and out of bed? So she doesn't feel inclined to have sex with him. Its more of a hassle and a waste of time for her. If the man never wants to spend time with the women,(ignores her, doesn't help around the house, is disrespectful to her, never takes her anywhere) then why should she want to? Women aren't just physical beings, like men. They generally have emotional links to their sexuality. That's the way were made.
If the man is more worried about his pleasure than hers(seems the case here) why should she bother?
A more simple answer is, what if shes just not in the mood that often. She may be focused on something else,(kids, career, family) at the moment.

I could go on and on, but the main thing you should consider is, how is your relationship outside of bed? Find out then you ll figure it out.
It seems like your looking for an excuse to cheat. Its no excuse. If she wont give it up, get a divorce.
BTW I'm not bitter, just very honest.

Answer 6

First of all, assuming that people cheat only because of a lack of sex is a generalization. And quite honestly, it looks like blaming the other party,

If you CARE about your marriage and your wife is being cold, have the BALLS to talk to her about it openly! This goes for women too!

If you sense something is wrong in your relationship- too cool, too distant, etc. you need to take some initiative and say something. If you saw a loved one about to get hit by a train, you wouldnt just stand there and hope that they notice- you'd get their attention! Why should it be any different if you see your marriage headed for disaster?

Screwing around is NOT a good way to get their attention that there is a problem, and blaming it on their lack of sex is not taking responsibility for your own actions. There most likely is a deeper issue. Maybe she isn't feeling attractive, and is ashamed of you seeing her body. Maybe he is getting older, and feels he can't perform as well. Maybe there is a deep emotional issue they are afraid to bring up.

I am TIRED of people of both sexes blaming their actions on others. If you have a problem, don't go seeking another bed and not bring it up. Talk it out, get some counseling if you need it, if it doesn't work, go your separate ways and be happy. But if you havent addressed the problem, you are only contributing to it by your infidelity and you have just as much blame as the other person!!

People need to get a clue and stop being the 'victim' of your own actions. Relationships are two way streets- meaning you both are just as at fault. Stop blaming and start taking some action to save it- if you really care that is.

Answer 7

I like this question...let me see if I can explain why I think we worry in a very simple way.....I figured this out by raising a daughter and a son, when having the "talk" with them, I had to go about it in very different ways of course.....for boys its a physical act...for girls its an emotional thing....we feel closer after sex.....connected.....we think guys just want more of the physical act, so no matter how much they get it at home they will still not pass up the chance for more of it...because we don't think they do it for the closeness we feel, then it doesn't matter where they get it from......I don't know if this is the case or not just a different way to look at it and why we worry.....have a great day!!

Answer 8

Well Dave, I come from the stand point that is not my job to ensure my husband has a fulfilling sexual life. That is his job as only he knows what he needs. I also believe that if he needs to fulfill that lifestyle outside of our marriage then he isn't the one for me. Why should I have sex with someone who can not ensure my safety (AIDS, STDs, emotional concerns, etc?) Sex does not guarantee fidelity... in fact I can guarantee that infidelity in my marriage will get you even less sex. I don't take threats lightly so if "you don't put out I'll go somewhere else" doesn't do much for me. I'll call your bluff, get a divorce and live a happy life.

Answer 9

Well you almost made it through this question without a non-bitter answer. "flywho" really put this concept back in the 1950's! She thinks that there is a "gimme impulse" and is side stepping the whole question as if s3x were naughty. To say it's not the womans responsibility to satisfy the man is absurd!!! Especially after she then contradicts it in the next statement as it's both parties responsibility. Saying that the desire for s3x is a childish perspective, geez, what kind of childhood did she have? It has nothing to do with childlike responces! Very poor metaphor old girl! I bet that she thinks that security is an obligation of the man! Why not s3x for the women if as she thinks it's all we think about?

Answer 10

Try looking at it from her perspective.
You know your wife better than anyone else, so do something out of the ordinary for her that involves her interests.
For instance, if she likes turtles, get her a turtle figurine, for no reason at all other than to let her know you think of her.
Touch the small of her back, or stroke her hair, or kiss her cheek. Make her feel sexy and she will become sexy.
Maybe invite her into the shower, and wash each other up...do your fingernails and your toenails together. Clean up together for each other. Get intimate in a personal way. And then make love the way you both agree on, ask her what she wants to try.

That's just a few things you can do...