What do you think of my father, please diagnose him?

Question

My father does not speak to me nor my mother. My mother tries to speak to him but I don't want to speak to him. I disrespect him because he used to beat me harshly with a wooden 2 by 2 when I was smaller as a Haitian discipline, but I was raised in America. He locks up all his belongings with padlocks, even his clothes, tools, unimportant documents. He sleeps on a separate bed from my mother in the same room as her. He has never told us he loved us. He wears a "mask" to the rest of the outside family when they visit but when they leave, the "mask" comes off and he is the same old way again. He never tells us where he is going and when he takes us places , we ask where are we going and he denies us an answer. He does come through on holidays and he did take us places as a kid. He would take us to church, and to family events ( wearing the "mask") and even to cool places. He used to be nice but as time progressed he would become meaner and less caring.

Answer 1

Gerald, first let me say I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

My credentials is that I lived in a dysfunctional family as well as having obtained a degree in Social and Behavioral Sciences. Unfortunately, those of us with such degrees cannot diagnose ourselves.

My father was similar. One night (I was 10 or so) I went to the bathroom to piss and my father got out of bed and beat me because he said I was "playing in the water" in the sink. I really wasn't, but because it woke him up, it enraged him.

Like what you said, my father did not sleep in a different bed from my mother; but he may have well have. The only family that visited us was my grandmother, who was his mother. She was disgusted with the conditions I and my sister lived in.

He always took off his work clothes wherever he wanted and left them on the floor. He watched TV in his boxers and barely spoke to my mother or to us. He did take us to the beach once in a while and one time I went out in the water so far so that I could not get back. He did jump in the water and did save my life; the only good thing I remember him doing.

He was a slob and would never lift a hand to help my mother. His coffee cups lined the coffee table and his cigarette butts overflowed the ashtrays. My sister and I cleaned the house as much as we could because our mother had given up and was not in good health. Us kids would never have friends over because we were embarrassed at the state of our home and didn't want them to meet our father. Our front windows were so silted with cigarette smoke that it looked like that kind of spray that one uses to make it look like snow at Christmas.

I don't know what he was thinking. He was somehow removed from us. I never saw him beat my sister, but he seemed to enjoy beating me. Later as adults, my sister and I talked about it. I told her of a dream I had when my father died on my birthday. I told her of doors opening and he would be there. She told me that it was what my father did with her, although she never said he molested her and I do not believe that he did, or she would have told me.

My father was a disappointment to himself in my opinion. I do not know what he did not achieve that he wanted to, but there must have been something. I do not want to remember these things so I will end. I wish the best for you and if you need to talk, you may email me personally. You are not alone.

Answer 2

There are a number of things that could be affecting how your father behaves. For one, you need to understand that every adult was, at one time, a child....and your father's experience growing up will alway be part of who he is. He cannot help it just like you cannot help the childhood experience he has now provided for you. The cycle hopefully will not continue when you have children of your own. It seems every generation gets better. He could've grown up with very harsh parents who treated him much worse than he did to you. He could have alot of stress at work and within his marriage to your mother.

No matter what - there is really no excuse for his behavior. It's horrible and it's not the way a good father acts. I'm sorry you're in this situation. The only thing you can do is move out when you are of legal age and can take care of yourself. A hard lesson to learn is that most people will never change as much as you want them to. It's difficult.

Answer 3

He sounds very unhappy. A lot of men do not know how to express their feelings.
Judging by the fact that he is still with your mother and yourself it would seem that he does love you, but is simply incapable of showing it.
It is hard to grow up in this kind of atmosphere, but the best you can do is decide you will be a different kind of husband and father to your own family when you grow up.
Although I don't think it was right of him to beat you I do think it is important to put it in the right context. I doubt he saw it as being abusive, so even though it may have been, do not make your father out to be a bad man for this. Within his culture this was probably what he viewed as doing the "right" thing.

That does not excuse the action and it does not lessen the betrayal felt by you, but it does change how that action should be viewed. It is one thing for a parent to beat a child and another when the parent believes they are doing it in the child's best interest.

The compulsive locking up of his things could be a OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but it could also be that he has had things stolen and wants to protect against that in a rather strict way.

Just hang in there, be there for your mom, I'm sure she will appreciate it.

This too, shall pass.

Answer 4

Your dad has issues and doesn't know how to deal with them. Perhaps he is scared and he sounds very controlling.

Lots of Dads don't know how to say "I love you". And until he learns to love himself he won't know how to love others.

Sadly in life we don't always get the ideal parents and not much can be done about this. Recognise the hurts you have and get help for yourself so that you can live a full life. I don't think you can change your Dad. But you can forgive and love him! And you can love who you are despite the difficulties you face and continue to face.

Be strong!

Answer 5

That is so sad--for him and for the family. Sounds like it may have something to do with the way he was raised--or a deep seeded fear--the two working together. (such as never being allowed any possessions as a child and a very strict upbringing) Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 6

i think you should let him stay out of your life that's just creepy wearing a mask wear every he goes he needs serious help i think he's hiding something from y'all

Answer 7

Dad is very unhappy in his life and either denies he is angry or doesn't want to open up .

Answer 8

he ned prayer aman in the name of jesus

Answer 9

^^ obviously its not a real mask.... id tell him you love him

Answer 10

i wish i could help but i dont really know what to say