why do I care so much what other people will think about me?

Question

I'm 20, and I have no real friends, and have only been on one date. I always worry what people, especially my family, will think of me so I end up not doing things like going anywhere. Like when I was talking to that girl I went out with, I never talked on the phone where they could hear me because I was worried about being made fun of. I IM with a few people, mostly girls, who live elsewhere (Not in Hawaii where I am) and if I hear someone coming up the stairs, I shut IM down (and no, I'm not doing anything dirty, just chatting). Same with this yahoo answers, I'll minimize the window if someone comes by because I'm afraid to be embarrased. I've tried not to care what people think, but I think I have to do something more than "just do it" because that doesn't work.

I want to be a normal guy, how?

Answer 1

You said that when you were dating that one girl, you never talked on the phone with her because you were afraid your family would make fun of you. When you were younger and growing up, did your family make fun of you on a regular basis? When we are children, our home & family are the world; so, what we learn there we take to the outside world. And if our first "world" was filled with negative experiences, we grow up believing the real world is the same way.

You are obviously very afraid of getting close to anyone - no real friends and only one date. Something and/or someone got you to this point, and you are unable to change it on your own, at this point. I think it might help you a lot if you could go to therapy, at least for a short time. You need to figure out why you have this all-consuming fear of being made fun of, especially by your family.

Eventually, you will move out of your family's home and into your own.To do this, you will need to develop a strong sense of who you are and be content with who you are, so that if someone makes fun of you, it won't bother you. Or if it does bother you, you'll be able to stand up for yourself and tell them to stop. You are not a little kid any more, and no one has the right to treat you badly, even family; and making fun of someone is a form of emotional abuse. One of the problems you will have if you were raised in that kind of environment is that you won't be able to tell the difference between good-natured teasing (which is fun) and someone truly making fun of you (which is mean).

You should spend some time alone with a notebook and do some thinking. Make a list of your good qualities (we all have some). Then make a list of what you think are your negative qualities (we all have those too). Then, with the second list, think about what you wrote and separate the things you know could use improvement from the negative things other people say you have - there is a big difference. Just because others tell us something is wrong with us doesn't make it true, even if it is family (they can be wrong too).

When you have your 2 lists, keep the list of good points where you can look at it when you need to. On the other list of things you truly feel could be better, try to work on improving yourself (one thing at a time). This is your project - the point of it is to stop worrying about what others think of you. It is to help you to use your own intelligence and ability to think and to get you in the habit of making your own decisions about what you are all about, good and bad. When you come to know yourself (without other's opinions) you will find you no longer are concerned with what other people say or think.

This won't happen overnight. It will take work, and it will require your taking small steps such as not shutting down IM when you hear someone coming. You need to stop thinking of yourself as a 20 year old kid and start thinking of yourself as a 20 year old man.

As I said earlier, I think you could get a lot of help and support from therapy. You seem to be seriously caught up in this fear. If that is not at all possible, then try some of the techniques I mentioned. You can do it. Good luck.

Answer 2

There is one theory I have, just like some people have a higher threshold for withstanding pain, while others don't do so well: I have to wonder if some people have more amplified anxiety neurons, that make them more susceptible to the outside world around them then the average person? That means every feeling and conception of others is jacked up 10 fold, thus creating an overwhelming feeling.

Just a theory but I do wonder.

Answer 3

Maybe take a look at your relationships with individual family members... are there some more than others that you care what they think more? I know for me, I have always cared more about what my mom thought than my dad, when my dad is actually the one that's more judgemental... sometimes the easiest way to "be normal" is by realizing that other people feel the same feelings as you, and that you're not alone... instead of worrying about what others think, worry about how and why it is that you feel certain ways, and know they're just feelings - everybody's got 'em :)

Answer 4

You are a normal guy. Everyone feels the way you do, until they see that something else is possible. You've had a glimse.

Books that will help:
"Honoring the Self" by Nathaniel Branden.
The Road Less Travelled" by M Scott Peck
"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne
"The Law of Attraction"

Answer 5

Dude
I am 43 now and been where you are....Have you been to see any doctors or anything. This is a true problem, but dont worry it gets better. I was picked on in school and seems to be where my problem stems from. Try to find a doctor or clinic and if you cant afford it will your parents still help out? just confide in your closest parent and let them know what is going on.

Answer 6

Okay I'm just like you. You know, you want tobe normal but you are afraid of who you really will hurt your reputation. This is very common, I have it, even my dog does! I am like a girl with the Avril Lavigne and Hilary Duff personality but in school , in order to stay "popular" and "cool" I have to act like a girl with the "Paris Hilton" personality. My dog is a miniture female chihuahua. She gets so obsessed with her looks. Well she thinks that only boy dogs are supposed to have long tails so she, instead of being proud of how she looks, she bites her tail because she thinks she is ugly but boy, she is a cutie. You see, when you think you are the only person that has these issues, you aren't the only one. There are many others that are suffering just like you, so just because maybe you don't know them doesn't mean you aren't the only one suffering alone in this world. So take my advice, don't be ashamed of who you are but kind of show it out to the world because, you know you only got one life on this world...so make the best of it. The way you explain about the messenging and chatting stuff, I don't see why you are bad. Just feel good about yourself.

Answer 7

I'd see a therapist for help with Social Anxiety Disorder. This is quite easily treated with the use of social skills training and perhaps a low dose anti-anxiety med for the short-term.

Answer 8

It's normal to worry about what others think about you....so there is no abnormality there, you may need to find someone to confide in and speak out ask for opinions but state you don't want to be made fun of. It's all about feeling good about you and who you are, if you didn't care what others thought then you would be de-sensitised.

Answer 9

I used to be that way too. Someone pointed out to me that other people are too preoccupied with themselves to be spending any significant time thinking about me. We're all movie stars in our own film, and everybody else is just an "extra", a part of the background. Once I realized that was true, life got a lot easier for me.

Answer 10

you are like me, i am really insecure and just want to be eccepted. try and just be happy by yourself, don't depend on others to make you happy, becuase it wont happen. good luck.