My boyfriend is in the hospital...what next?

Question

My boyfriend was recently hospitalized for depression and at the moment we don't know exactly how long his stay is going to be or what kind of outpatient treatment his release might entail. I've been reaching out to my close friends at this point and some say that I need to get out. That thought never crossed my mind...I want to stand by and help him through this but part of me is afraid that if I do he may break up with me like he has tried before because he thinks that I deserve better than him. I love him with all my heart and soul and just want him to get better and if that means I have to step back then I will but I'm not sure what my part should be. If anyone has been in this situation any kind of advice that you could give me would be appreciated. I don't want to leave him...I'm in this for the long haul in my opinion but if its better for him that I'm not there then I'm willing to make the sacrifice...any opinions?

Answer 1

I am a patient. I have learned a lot and come a long way in 5 years. You have my respect. So you know they may diagnose him with more than depression. Either way, he will need after care. Which includes, seeing a psychiatrist, counseling, taking his medication (finding the right one usually takes time), and helping himself. The last step is the hardest. Before I go on. I want to explain something. His thoughts are normal for depression. He may be pushing you away with words. Telling you to go. However, he really does need you.
In other ways than just romantic. The best thing you can do for him is to support and encourage him. Don't push to hard.
These things can take time. Things you and others can do:
Let him know you are there for him. That his diagnosis is just like a physical disorder, diabetes, cancer, etc. You don't look at him any differently. Many people have this and have not been diagnosed. He is one of the lucky ones. Because now he can do things to get better. Keep him away from your negative friends. Influence him to go out with you, do different activities, talk to you and others, be honest with his therapist,
Eat right (6 small well balanced portions a day), exercise, sunlight,listen to cheerful music, dance, comedies, study and apply positive thinking, self control, and increasing self esteem. If he is stressed, breathing, exercise, a long bath, candles, meditation, etc really help. It may take a while for him to come to terms with everything. A lot of people are defensive. Because of people like your "friends". He needs to realize his life can be better than it ever has. It takes a lot of time, effort, research, patience, etc. This may be hard on you. It will be hardest for him. I would be more than happy to help you, him, and anyone else who may have ?'s about this. It will be a daily struggle for him. There will be days he can't function. Sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed. However, with the right support and following these steps, he will feel better.
If they are open to it. I would try to educate those "friends".
I have PTSD, depression, anxiety attacks, bi polar & co dependancy. I have hallucinated, been suicidal, etc. I am doing much better. There IS hope. He can do this. With your help and other peoples it will make it that much better.
Sucess stories are also helpful. Save this. Let him read it. Or read it to him.It should help encourage him. This is not the end of the world. It is an oppertunity for a new and better life.
e mail me if you like. [e-mail]
Best wishes to you both. your friend, Ann

Edit I don't like the answer prior to mine. He likely does NOT feel like a monster. More like he has no self confidience. He does not feel worthy, etc. All signs of depression. GL

Answer 2

I have been in your situation before and I do have some advice. First of all, I commend your boyfriend for going into the hospital to get the help he needs. So many lose the battle against depression by not seeking help and/or by not having someone by their side encouraging them. And how typical it is for someone to say "Just leave" when the going gets hard? Where would your relationship be if he continued on a downward spiral?

Love is not just a feeling, it is also an action and your actions are speaking loud and clear. I recommend that you do several things. First of all, keep in contact with him while he's in the hospital by phone and in person. When you see him again, though, set up a meeting between you, him, and a counselor to discuss a plan(s) for when he's released. That'll give you both a plan to be excited about. Believe me, when the time comes and he overcomes his depression through medication and therapy, you will both be MUCH stronger in your relationship. Nothing can bring a couple closer together than a shared crisis. Best of luck to you both!

Answer 3

There are reasons why he is depressed a big reason for someone to be depressed is betrayal. I know that I have felt so betrayed or hurt by people I cared about that when I find someone that I commit to I basically test them to try and see if they will leave me if I have even the worst problems. I feel if you stay with him you are being a taking on very important supportive role which is needed to help him regain his self value. I'm not saying this will fix everything he needs also to be able to talk out what is bothering him to begin to heal from his past. I know it takes a lot of support and work but, depression can be corrected and that person can feel better. He has to want to or believe he can improve, which is a big reason people don't even try to work out their problems. You are a very sweet and caring person and he knows that, it will take a lot of reassurance to convince him that he is good enough to be with you. It is also very important that you don't make him feel like he is being judged, tell him these things sometimes happen and it is not your fault, but that he can change it to make himself happier. When you are in a hospital like he is nothing makes you happier than a visitor or phone calls, unless he feels embarrassed or something and asks you to not visit him I would visit him as much as you can. The soonest he will be out is 72 hours They try to keep you a week sometimes 2, and in the worse case I have seen it take 22 days to get out. I am guessing it will be a week at the most though.

Answer 4

some times the best thing you can do for someone is give them what they want on the outside but not actually give it to them.

stay by your man. and if he tells you he thinks you should break up, then let him take away the title. because that's not what matters in a relationship. this way, you're letting him feel like he's in control of some part of his life, and letting him feel like a man who is protecting his lover, both very empowering and a good step in recovery.

but at the same time, even without the title, you can still give the same amount of emotional support and stability your boyfriend needs. if you can show him that you really want to be with him, regardless of the title, and yet still respect his wishes, he'll love you for it.

understand that he has two needs here: the spoken need to protect you from the "monster" he is and to not hold you back because he wants to protect you from all bad things, and the unspoken (and potentially unrealized) need to have someone care about him, even if he is a "monster", and to have them not walk away.

good luck.

Answer 5

I'm very sorry to hear that. I myself am cyclothemic and at times I'm convinced I'm destined to be alone and I chase women away. Most of the time I don't want them to have to put up with my madness but deep down I know that's just the depression talking. If you want to stay by his side and help him I think you deserve a medal. It'll be a difficult journey and you'll have to stay strong. You'll have many ups and downs but if your love is pure and you can love him no matter what, then I think that's the best thing you have going for you. He'll be OK. It will be just as difficult for him. Just stay strong, be patient and if that is really what you want to do, it will work out. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

Depression is one of the worse thing that a person can have. BUT your boyfriend will need the support and if you love him then stand beside but do not let him abuse you in any way.
He must want to overcome this depression and must have the desire to work within himself to overcome and not rely on the Doctors to push a pill into his gut. I had depression and the thing I found helped most was sun light. Lots of it!!! He must really want to get over this depression or it won't happen.

Answer 7

You sound like a wonderful person, and I think that staying by him is the best thing you can do. It sounds like you truly love him and want to help take care of him. I say you should do all that you can to help him recover. If he pushes you away, than do what you feel is best at that time. But, dont start out running away from him. You will know what to do when the time comes!! Good Luck and I wish you all the best!! God Bless!

Answer 8

You said you "just want him to get better" but what if he doesn't get better? What then? If he has tried to break up with you before, you should probably listen to him even though it is hard for you. You should step back and go out with your friends. You cannot love a depressed person back to health.

Answer 9

Dont leave him. He really really needs you right now. I know I've had my share of problems and my boyfriend had always been there for me. Without him I dont know where I would be. I have said things to him in the past that werent very nice and I never thought he deserved me. We split up for 2-3 months and both our worlds were rocked hard and really sucked. Now that were back together were working on things together. If you really loved your boyfriend you will be there for him and your will both get through things together. If it was meant to be it will happen. Good Luck

Answer 10

Don't listen to your friends. It's not their relationship. That is so kind of you to want to stay with him. I've been on the opposite end where I've been hospitalized for depression. I can tell you, at least in my case, that's when I wanted people around me more than ever! I wanted people to be there for me, not back away and treat me like a disease. You can always ask him what he wants....would he like some time apart to get himself together or does he want you there? I'll bet that he wants you there. I felt like that, too that people deserved better than me, but I still wanted them to stick around because believe it or not, having people around helped me.