First Communion ....What would you have done?

Question

My daughter recently made her First Communion. Because over 100 children were making their First Communion together, each family was given 6 tickets to sit in the church. Any other family and friends had to sit in the hall which is open to the church and had a huge wall screen set up showing the entire ceremony. My problem is this.. I used 4 of the tickets for myself, husband, daughter and grandmother. This left 2 tickets which I had my in-laws/grandparents use. My father and his wife knew ahead of time that they would be sitting in the hall, but apparently now are very upset because they feel they were left out of the ceremony by me because "I chose" to have my in-laws in the church and not them. What would you have done and what would you say to them? (My father's wife and I do not get along very well...she always seems to have a problem with every social event on this side of the family)

To clarify...my mom was not there because she passed away a few years ago....I had to have my 81 yr. old grandmother sit with me...She lives out of state and I could not leave her by herself in the hall. Unfortunately...my babysitter was not available to watch my younger daughter so she had to sit with us also.

Answer 1

These sorts of events that restrict the number of family members that can attend a life-passage event are poorly thought out... The problem you are experiencing is inevitable. I doubt that the organizers of this event *intended* to cause 100 seperate family feuds, but they probably have, and probably will again next year. A little foresight on their part would have saved a lot of peacefulness in the homes of those who have been accepted into the communion of the church.

However... Here you are now. Somebody sits in the hall. It is up to you to choose. You did. It is all over but the whining!

The person you feel most comfortable and close to *should* be there with you. A person who complains about *their own experience* of somebody elses communion as inadequate would have missed the point anyway.

This sort of whining is a form of interpersonal manipulation. Do not let this person push your buttons. You owe nobody more than your best judgement, and you cannot change the past. It may help to derail the whining if you mention that you certainly wish everyone might have been in the church, but you did not plan the event... Perhaps your father's wife could get on the planning committee for the communion of your next child, or the confirmation of this one, to assure that this sort of silly exclusions are not made necessary? It is *so* difficult for those still raising their children to make time to meaningfully act on a church committee to change these sorts of customs....

You do not owe her an explaination, but she owes you an apology. Be gracious, don't demand it.

Answer 2

The logic for 6 tickets to sit in the church would seem to me to cover 2 parents, 2 maternal grandparents, and 2 paternal grandparents. If you had followed that reasoning, then your daughter would have been sitting in the hall with your father's wife; and your father would have been sitting with your mother, his ex-wife. Ask your father if he really would have preferred that arrangement. Tell him that you did the best you could with limited tickets to try to accomodate everyone as amicably and comfortably as possible. Tell him, too, that it would have been very wrong for you to not include the other grandparents in order to accomodate his new wife. If he disagrees, then I guess you'll know who you will have to not include in all of the future events in the lives of your children. Its a sad situation for you, but you may as well get everyone into their appropriate places right now and be done with it. Good luck.

Answer 3

You could explain that you only had 6 tickets for the inside area and you "drew sticks" for the 3 extra people (after giving 3 tickets to yourself, husband and daughter.)

Answer 4

You have the right to chose who is with you in the important moments of your life. People earn their love and affection. It is not something you have to give. You can explain your dad and then if he loves you, he will understand. Relationships should be deep and powerful enough to overcome these things. Seriously... otherwise, they are not worth your worry.

Answer 5

Stop worrying. I would have done the same. It will be forgotten soon, you'll see. Besides, maybe their now upsetting is caused precisely because she usually has problems with your social events.