How do I handle the MOG when she seems to think the wedding is about her?

Question

She is more involved in helping with the wedding than even my own mother, but she keeps complaining to everyone in her family about how horrible I am because I'm not giving her enough involvement. It started because my mom bought the flower girl dresses and she wanted to make them but it was too late. She's even calling her son (my fiance) behind my back and talking bad about me. HELP!!!

I should add that no one is paying anything for the wedding other than my mom buying the flower girl dresses. The rest is all my fiance and me. So that's why I don't think she has a say. Also, she wasn't even in his life until 2 years ago. His grandmother raised him.

In response, she has 3 of her own daughters and one other son.

Answer 1

I find it worrisome that you fiance has to tell you what his mother said along with everyone else in the family.. It sounds like you're really going to have some lovely times getting along with the new inlaws.

Answer 2

God, I'm so scared that this same situation will happen to me...my boyfriend's mother can't leave us alone about anything, and she's driving me crazy!! When he's at work, she's always calling me, "checking up" on me, I don't know if she thinks I'm out with another guy or what, which is rediculous, but she just drives me crazy. Anyways, I've already told her off twice, and she gets a little offended, but she gets over herself. The wedding is your big day, and since she's not paying for anything, she really doesn't have any say whatsoever about anything. It would be nice to try to include her, but don't let her push you around, and do what you want. Try not to offend her, though, maybe you can have your fiance talk to her, if not, go to the source directly and tell her how you feel, she'll probably get mad, but she obviously cares about her "baby", so she'll still be around, unfortunately.

Answer 3

Oh No! This is an early start to the future with your Mother In Law. They do seem to be overwhelming and controlling at times especially the MOG. You can get your point across very nicely in a little vindictive way. LOL. Send her the video Monster In Law and make it out like a joke. She will get the point! Ultimately, your fiance should stand by you and support you through the situation. Good Luck! It will get better once the stress of the big day is all behind the both of you.

Answer 4

It's rather obvious that the Groom's Mother is seeking recognition and trying to make up for "lost time." She is screaming, "Pay attention to me." "Look at me."

True story . . two years ago I worked with a Bride and Groom who had a similar story. The Groom's Mother did not like the idea that a limousine was not picking her up and taking her to the wedding . . and it didn't make a difference that a limousine service was NOT picking anyone else up either. After countless demands, and getting nowhere, she finally hired her own Rolls Royce limousine for her and her husband for the whole wedding weekend. When the Rolls Royce pulled up to the ceremony site the lady was dressed in a gown more glamorous than the Bride's gown . . a full length mink coat . . and a tiara! The wedding was in late August, it was over 90 degrees that day.

The Groom's Mother got exactly what she wanted . . everybody looked at her . . everybody talked about her . . she was the topic of conversation that day!

This situation has absolutely nothing to do with who is paying for the wedding, it is all about "look at me."

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 5

When she makes "suggestions", thank her for the ideas and tell her that you will consider it.

Take some of her help. With each item, just ask yourself how important it is to you that you have roses as opposed to calla lillies... or whatever.

Be as gracious as possible.

Be thankful that you have people who want to help.

My fiance's mom passed away several years ago, so we do not have the blessing of her help or involvement.

My mom doesn't have the first clue how to plan a wedding, although she has helped financially.

I have been begging for help! I would love to have someone just take care of the flowers, and the cake, and the music. Those details are just not important to me.

Instead, I have been doing most of this stuff alone and feeling completely overwhelmed.

Please treat your fiance's mom with love and respect, you never know what a great influence she may be in your life if you open yourself up to her, rather than battle with her over things that are just not important in the long run.

Answer 6

Step #1...Speak with her directly, and get her to give you a straight answer as to exactly what she thinks she should be helping with (and why she thinks she should be in charge of these things).

Step #2...Let her know exactly which of these things you're willing to let her work on, but whatever you do, don't hand over total control. Give her the opportunity to find various options and put them in front of you for your approval...once she has your approval, she can move forward.

Step #3...Tell her in no uncertain terms that it is simply unacceptable for her to bad mouth you to the rest of the family, and let her know that you will give her the same consideration. If she has something she's upset with you about, she needs to take it to you, not anyone else. Similarly, your fiance needs to make it abundantly clear that he will also not tolerate her talking smack about you. I'm not into confrontation, but you need to nip this in the bud before you get any deeper into your relationship with her.

Just a guess here...she must have no daughters of her own? Since she will be family for the rest of your life, you should definitely try to work this out together.

Answer 7

Does your fiance stand up for you when she calls him? That's the most important thing to worry about in this situation. The wedding is fleeting, the marriage forever. If he doesn't stand up for you now, that's a sign of things to come. She who wields the check book has the final say. I would just have your fiance tell her, that the two of you have a vision for your wedding and that's what you're doing. I wouldn't worry about her talking about you to the family, my MIL does it all the time, it's not really a problem. Of course, I don't care what they think all that much.

Answer 8

OH DEAR, red flag alert. You need to let your fiance deal with her and if he does not see the light, you may want to reconsider this marriage since she will be in it. Sentences like' Oh we have that all taken care of' referring to the flower girl dresses, or' It says in the wedding etiquette book that the grooms family has the rehearsal dinner responsibility , so thats what you can focus on' . But sounds like she has already moved in on your territory so thats why I say your fiance has to deal. Tell your mother to refer her to her son if she talks with your mother. If she approaches you, tell her she has to talk with her son. This is a huge test and believe me, if he doesnt take care of this for you I would reconsider. She is slandering you and that has to STOP

Answer 9

does she have daughters? if not, it can make her sorta sad she will never get to plan a wedding, but she is going about it all the wrong way. if she wants to be involved, she needs to be HELPFUL, not hurtful. she should not be calling the groom and complaining about you. if she has something to say, she needs to say it to your face.

it is your mothers right (if she is in the picture or wants to) to be the person helping you out. she has probably dreamed of this day for a long time.

if the MOG wants to help, she needs to suggest things, not crying about what you have already decided on.

i hope things go well for you! I REALLY DO!

Answer 10

Is the mother of the groom making a major financial contribution to this wedding? If so, I think that buys her some rights.
If not, I think you and the groom need to confront her to discuss everyone's role. She may be a person with whom you have to set limits, and this is a good time to do it, before she starts trying to control your marriage, where you live, how many children you have, and how you raise them.
Some parents of adult children tell themselves that when they try to exercise control over the adult children, they are "helping" them. So they have to be told when they are doing that, that that's not the kind of help you want or need.
Good luck.