When I get married someday, should I NOT invite the cousin that didn't invite me to hers?

Question

Some time ago, my cousin got married. Months prior she'd notified me that she was engaged & due to get married at the end of the yr. Then I never heard about the wedding until after it happened...apparently she invited EVERYBODY in my immediate family EXCEPT me. She invited my dad & all 4 of my siblings. No one in my family has seen/contacted our cousins much in the past 9yrs(due to a "cold war" b/t my mom & aunt), but before that, I was the cousin she'd been closest to. I never did anything wrong to her(how could I, if I'd only seen her twice in the last 9yrs??), so I'm hurt & disgusted.

If I get married someday, should I leave her off the invite list since she specifically included everyone except me? My dad thinks so. He thinks that I should just leave her whole family off the invite, but I'd rather invite everyone in her family EXCEPT her(to be passive-aggressive).

Also, if you were my family, would you have gone to the wedding if you knew that I was deliberately uninvited?

TO Nita5267: Ohhh the uninvite was definitely intentional. I know this b/c apparently our mutual grandmother told my dad that I was not invited. She even went as far as to tell my dad to keep the wedding a secret from me, b/c she was afraid that if I heard I wasn't invited, that I would complain & she didn't want my dad to hear me complain! (wtf?)

TO lindseysays: I was NOT homeless during the time of her wedding, but you bring up a great point. I'm sure the homeless drama has something to do w/ this. Our mutual grandmother(aka my mom's mom) was the one that peer pressured my mom into kicking me out, which essentially was kicking me when I was already down. My grandmother made some honest false assumptions about me & that's why she told my mom to do that. Later in time, I did two positive things: 1) I worked really hard to get my own place & stability; 2) I patched things up w/ my mom. During our make-up, my mom apologized & admitted that she was wrong to kick me out. She said that instead of listening to the details of my situation, she listened to things my grandmother blindly accused me of.

So yeah, I'm sure the homelessness thing has something to do w/ it...it's angering, b/c that's insult to injury. The homeless thing was an atrocity 10X worse than this...& as a result, more bad things(like this uninvite) occur from it>:(

PLEASE NOTE: For those of you saying that perhaps my invitation was overlooked or lost in the mail...and ESPECIALLY for the guy who said "don't assume if you don't have all the facts"...hello, didn't you read what I already wrote?? I KNOW that the uninvite was intentional. Before the wedding, my grandmother called up my dad & explained to him that I was uninvited. She also told him to keep the wedding a secret from me, for fear that I would complain or feel hurt to hear that I wasn't invited. She didn't care about protecting my feelings, she only cared about protecting my dad's ears from possibly hearing me complain about the injustice. Look, I know when I'm not wanted.

Answer 1

You've posted numerous questions about this today. Just get past it! If you don't want to talk to her, don't. If you don't want to send her a gift, don't. Honestly, if you haven't spoken to her more than twice in 9 years, maybe it's an issue of not having enough room/money to invite people they don't see. Just move past it and be the bigger person. If you ever get married, invite her. She may not even want to go.

Answer 2

You can't make a wrong right with another wrong! Extend the invite to your cousin and hope that you rekindle your relationship afterall you are family and I'm sure that you would like to share this special day with someone who was once your friend also. Let the past be just that the past! Don't do as she did as you would be acting in the same childish way! Don't cry over spilled milk. Extend the invite and hope for a good reconciliation and let it be you who is courteous and humble!!! It's not about winning here it's about loving! You don't want to start your married life being a witch! You want to be prosperous and happy so be righteous and do the right thing....be nice and civil and it pays in the long run and if it doesn't make a difference to her you know in your heart that you did it out of love for the family and the friendship!!!

Answer 3

How do you know that your invitation wasn't overlooked or lost in the mail? Do you know for sure that you were deliberately not invited? I find it hard to believe that your entire family was invited, except you. When you realized that you didn't get an invitation, you should have called your cousin and asked her if it was an oversight.

If I were you, I would call her and congratulate her on her wedding. I would tell her that you didn't receive your invitation and that you wanted to go to the wedding, but was very hurt when you didn't get one. Ask her if there was something you did to offend her. I think you will be very surprised by her answer.

Answer 4

Why don't you wait and see until someone asks you to marry them how you feel then? You don't know if and when it will happen - so worry about it then.
There's hopefully a good reason - perhaps she's upset that you didn't speak to her all of these years..maybe she thought you guys were close before...who actually initiated the "not speaking" part?
I don't know your family or how tight you are or any of that, so it's hard to put myself in your family's shoes.
Your best bet? Call your cousin to see how she's doing - have coffee with her and ask how you can repair your relationship, and tell her you were hurt by not being invited.
Families are precious, you only have one real one, so try to make the best of it. And if you do get married someday, be the bigger person and invite her!

Answer 5

here is what i would do in your shoes!!

i would contact or write a letter stating how hurt and disgusted you where! instead of hiding or suppressing my feelings or bottleing them up...

Then i would forgive them! for you to be the best person you must forgive those who have hurt you in the past! not to them but to yourself forgive! trust me it's hard at first but once you do this you feel soso FREEE

next put her on the list for invite! 2 wrongs don't make a right.. if they show they may leave early or not show because they feel guitly!
oddly enought this just happend to my friends wedding! :( everyone but the brother kids where invited! I can only imagine how bad he felt being the father. But maybe he shouldn't off left the weddign wasn't for his kids it was for someone else and maybe they couldn't afford to have a hole lot of kids there! so they invited the adults!

he was mad because i was there but i'm 30 years old i'm an adult his kids are teenagers. I see both sides of the story why was his family left out! But the wedding is for the bride and groom not his kids!

just shows how selfish people can be! and for you i dont' know why you weren't invited but to get mad over it is slightly childish and selfish! you should send them a card expressing how you feel and wish them the best!

but it's your wedding if you don't want her there then don't have her there! but i will say you will not go far in life in general if your going to be passive-aggressive

stand up for youself for sure but remember to look at the HUGE picture!

I hope you don't think i'm slamming you i'm just being honest on this stuff!
I wish you the best luck!

Answer 6

Do not invite your rude cousin and her deranged family to your wedding. Most likely, the only reason your cousin invited your family (after not being in contact with them much over the past nine years) was for wedding gifts and $$.

I hope your family did not go to that wedding knowing you were deliberately not invited. If so, why would you ask you dad what he thinks? He is two-faced and that is not "family." Don't invite them to your wedding either.

Answer 7

No, you should definitely invite her. It's always more fun to "kill them with kindness"...Be the grown up in this situation, and everyone will know that SHE was the one who made the faux-pas, and not you. Turn your passive-aggressive behavior into a situation that makes you look good!!

If I had been part of the family, and I knew you had not been invited, I would have called them to say, "It appears Jane's invitation has been lost in the mail. The rest of us got ours, but she didn't get hers yet." It would have been almost impossible for them to answer with anything but, "Oh, goodness, I'm so sorry, let me send another out right away." And if they had said that you weren't invited, I would have made it clear how petty and immature that was, and probably would not have attended.

Answer 8

Have you talked to her about this? It may have been a mistake and she may not even know it happened. Planning a wedding is very stressful on most people. It could very well have been her mother that addressed the invitations, or a friend.
In any case, you should be the bigger person by not letting this incident get under your skin. Grudges are a terrible thing to live with.

Answer 9

If I were in the same situation as you, with all your drama with your family.
I'd invite everyone to my wedding, including people you know they dislike a bunch, just to prove to them that you ARE a better person and will invite family no matter what anyone else's opinions are.
As for still goin to the wedding, it would totally depend. If it was my sister completely uninvited then NO I wouldnt go. Because I'd find that to be totally rude and ignorant. So I wouldnt go either. but it depends on the person. Me & My sister stick up for each other all the time and will never give up on things. No one ever wins an argument with us two. :D hehe so no, we wouldnt attend anyone's else's crappy event if they deliberatly left one of us out. ITs all or nothing baby :)

Answer 10

It all sounds so unnecessarily complicated. The "cold war" between your Mom and Aunt is their problem, but it seems to have spilled over to contaminate the rest of the family. Why all your sibs were invited and you weren't is odd, but who knows. Are you the closest in age to the bride? Were you somehow involved in the dispute between Mom and Auntie? At this point, history is water under the bridge. I'd move past it, and when you're the bride, you have the ultimate say. I'd like to recommend you rise above and invite them all, or none of them. And yes, I likely would have gone to the wedding, if that was my inclination, wether or not one of my sister's was not invited.