Any Parents out there? Please Help!!?

Question

I have a 10 year old daughter who i get to see every other weekend. My ex lives in San Francisco. I live in Los Angeles. Every other weekend we meet in Fresno so i can have that weekend with my daughter. This weekend however my mother is bringing down my daughter to LA because my daughters cousin is having a birthday party. My daughter very rarely comes to LA or gets to see her aunt, uncle, and cousins. My daughter got into trouble with her mom. Not listening, going to friends house without permission. Twice. After the first time my ex told her if she did it again she couldn't go to LA to the birthday party. Well she did it again. So my ex grounded my daughter. She told me she wasn't coming to LA. Plans were made a month in advance for my daughter to come here. It is my weekend. I told my ex wife that it wasn't fair to ground her from coming to LA. She wants me to drop everything and meet in Fresno. Is this right? The ex is upset with me because i am not backing her on this punishment

Answer 1

Honestly, it sounds like your ex needed to communicate with you about the discipline situation before she instituted it. Just because you are not married doesn't mean that you are not co-parents. I would work on opening up a line of communication with her about discipline practices that overlap your time with hers. You both need to be on the same page now so that in a few years when she is a teenager you are a united front. I would take this instance and use it as a learning experience for the both of you. Instead of looking at the situation as how it affects your time, try to use it as a lesson on why it is important to be on the same page with your ex regarding your daughter. Please don't feel like you did anything wrong here, your ex should have contacted you and given you a heads up or even better called you to discuss the situation prior to dropping the hammer on your daughter. You may also want to make sure that your daughter isn't working you and your ex's lack of communication to her advantage. Maybe she didn't listen to her mom twice because she new that the punishment would not be followed through because she wouldn't be with her mom over the weekend. Good luck!

Answer 2

She cannot stop a court ordered visitation. I would talk to your ex and decide on an alternate punishment. Let your daughter know you are very displeased with her behavior and that you feel she should be punished. Your ex and you can present, together, the other punishment, showing you are agreed with this. Your ex wants you to stand united with her, but did she consult you before using the party as a threat? She can't expect you to support a decision you were no part of.

Answer 3

Beloved
there are mixed emotions on this one.... It does take a village to raise 1 child... The fact that the punishment was suggested in the beginning that she could not come if she was disobedient raises and eyebrow for me. No child should be threaten about seeing there other side of their family. However... those are the rules and the regulations in that house... The bigger thing that concerns me is that they instructed your daughter of this and yet she still chose to be disobedient. You can not reward a child after she was warned and continues to have no respect for the authority she resides under. Understanding your side as you are being punished as well... But... she has to assume the level of responsibility. She must deal with the consequences of her actions/choices. This should also let you see the value of what was presented before her.... what was more important.. running to her friends house after she was told not to ?.... or ....coming to see her family? If the home doesn't correct her.... rest assured... the system will!
God bless

Answer 4

Regardless of whether you agree with the punishment or not, you and the mother MUST show a united front to your child. It would have been better if the mother had consulted with you about this beforehand, then perhaps you two could have come up with an alternative, but what's done is done. You really need to sit down for an afternoon without the child around and discuss potential problems coming up in the future so that this doesn't happen again. Even though the two of you are no longer together, you must agree on issues that concern your child. Especially now that your child is going to be pushing her boundries further and further as she gets older, the two of you really need to discuss things as they come up and come to some kind of agreement as to how you will deal with them.

Answer 5

No, it is not right. I went through the same situation with my ex and our son. If the divorce decree says your daughter is to be with you at a certain time it is binding. My ex was always finding reasons to keep me from seeing my son until the time came that she needed me to have him ( had a date, was going on a trip,etc.) And if my son was in trouble when he was with her and he was grounded she couldn't stop him from coming to me for our visitations. I called my attorney who contacted her attorney and he told her that if she didn't allow the periods of visitation that were in the decree that she was in contempt of court and could face jail time. If my son did something wrong when he was with me I took care of it. But his time with me had nothing to do with what went on when he was with her. You need to set your own rules and not let her do it for you. And as soon as my son was old enough to decide who he want to live with ( which is 13 in the state of Texas) he told his mom he was coming back after his 13th birthday. I did have to go back to court to get the papers and custody given to me, but it was well worth it. Now my son and I are very close and he despises his mom. He want even call her mom. He calls by her first name. Hope this helps you out some. Just don't let your ex run your life by holding the situation over your head. Exes can control you and ruin your relationship with your daughter and anyone else envolved. If she gets upset, she will get over it.

Answer 6

It is not your responsibilty to uphold the punishments your ex inflicts on your daughter in her home. If she said she was coming and has now changed her mind so close to the date she is being irresponsible and teaching your daughter even worse habits. Tell her you will meet her in Fresno and you will bring her home with you. Don't ask her permission if you don't need it (court ordered) Compromise on the party and get your daughter to your house first, you can always invite your family over so she can see them.
Good Luck!

Answer 7

This is why I hate grounding. It can affect other people and long term plans.
However, I assume your ex did this to discipline your daughter and not spite you? She needs a hold over your daughter and this is one.
It's a hard lesson, and I'd support her. Truly.
Unless you can all sit around a table and work out an alternative suitable punishment.

Answer 8

I agree with your Ex. She did this to punish your daughter for her bad behaviour. I'm pretty certain that after this punishment your daughter will behave a lot better. Stick by your Ex.

I know that if I dared to not listen to my mum when I was ten I would have gotten In a lot more serious trouble...........

Answer 9

There is always the danger that she will alienate her daughter if she pushes too hard. Discipline is best with thought and sensitivity and she obviously wants to show you she is in charge. You could say that whereas you respect her parenting, you feel it is a shame if your daughter's life is made the poorer by limiting her contact with all her family. All the family will be important long after your daughter has left the nest and who she gravitates toward will be her choice.
I feel that the long view is the important one, not the short term disciplinary hurdles. Your ex might make a special dispensation to please you all and that would be seen as the moderate and considerate answer. From a old Dad.

Answer 10

Immediately take her to court for breaking the terms of the agreement for divorce, and ask for sole custody. You should be firm and re min d the judge that your time with ER has nothing to do with with the problems your ex is having in disciplining her The reality is your ex is making a mockery of a decision of the court. Remind the court that the only way to prevent further violations is to give you full custody because children tend to challenge parents as a normal way to grow. If this is allowerd to continue without changing custody, your ex will Be doing the same at will, denying you custodial visitation .
You should sue her for legal costs and damages/ Go to a therapist and claim you and your family have needed counseling to deal with your Rx's obvious shunning of them and the pain it has caused you. Then go to civil court and ask for compensatory damages against your ex for therapy needed.