my borther is fresh out of treatment & I dont want him here, is that mean?

Question

My brother was on probation, he had a job in the city, was living with my uncle and was going to get a place for him and his daughter.
But one night he decided to go out and he ended up violating his probation and getting sent to a alcohol treatment center for a month.
Now he's out and he's been told that he can't go back to my uncles and that he has to find somewhere to live.
unexpectedly he kind of chose here with me, my daughter and my husband.
Tomorrow he wants me to go after his daughter so she can stay here too.
All this really bothers me cause we are already behind on bills and it's like he's just freeloading already. He doesnt know how to conserve.
what should I do?
the question I asked before this might explain more too.

I feel like I just can't kick him out cause he used to live here once too.
We are living in a family house thats been around for a long time

btw
hes way older than me

My husband isnt happy with this.
he is used to it just being the three of us in the house.
I think he feels like it'd be another mouth to take care of when we can barely take care of our own

Answer 1

You are not going to change HIM, so you are going to have to change YOU - meaning you are going to have to put your foot down (as gently as you can) and TELL HIM he was NOT invited, and sorry, but he is NOT welcome at this time! Don't need to give him personal information as to WHY other than he doesn't belong there!

Answer 2

Wow, it seems like you have your hands full. What you need to realize, is even if you kick him out, it is not your fault of what he has done. You have to look out for your immediate family first. You have a couple of options, this sounds like a similar situation my wife's grandfather was in. First, you can sit down with him and lay down the rules plain and simple. This is what you expect from him, and what you don't want in your house. Give him a chance. He might see how much he really needs you because he has no where to go, and comply with what you say. Give him a deadline for finding a job and how much you want to help him out. When he doesn't meet your needs, then you can say you at least tried. On the other side, if you feel that he will just be a freeloader and there really is no way of him doing anything, you need to be firm and tell him to leave. I did that to my sis once cuz she needed a place to live and didn't want to follow my rules, and I literally threw her out. It was quite some time until we talked again, but family will forgive and forget. Either way, you have a daughter that you want to set an example for and how will him being there affect your daughter. The kids are the most important things, they are our future, will this trouble her or not.

Answer 3

I can understand that you would feel uncomfortable about the uncertainty of the situation. Apart from it not actually being your house, he is your brother and seems to be struggling in life. Alcohol addiction is a sickness, and can you be sure that you or your husband would never be in his situation? Maybe you could try giving him a go. Maybe you can explain you are behind on the bills, and ask how it will go with bringing his daughter into the household too? Maybe he has a plan about this - at least chipping in with food and utilities. Maybe he has some savings to start with, and still is planning to get himself a place of his own eventually, like I would say you and your husband are. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well I read your other post and it sounds to me that your family thinks that you are obligated to take him in just because your grandmother, who passed away, owned the home. But did your Grandmother leave the home to you? Who's name is on the deed now that she is gone?
I know this is a really tough situation for you because it is family but, let me tell you from experience if you don't do something about it now, things are going to go too far and your family is just going to keep walking all over you and it's going to cause problems with you and your husband.
So you really need to think what is more important to you....taking the chance and upsetting some members of your family or causing marital problems in your marriage?
I would just straight out come out and tell your brother that it wont work with him living there. and that he is going to have to find somewhere else to go. Maybe you can offer to give him a ride or make a few phone calls for him just to kind of ease the tension if there is any which I doubt. I'm sure he will understand.

Answer 5

You're not mean. Your brother has obviously made some bad choices in his life, otherwise he wouldn't be in the situation he's in. I'm going to assume the mother of his daughter is probably a REAL PRIZE too since she's willing to let her daughter be with her father who is obviously VERY unstable. I can already tell that you're stressed out due to your own circumstances, and unfortunately your brother being there is only going to add more fuel to that fire. You can do one of two things. You can tell your brother flat out NO he can't stay with you. You don't have to be mean about it, but just let him know that you're already strapped for cash and can't afford to feed another person and the situation in your own home is already stressful. OR you can let him stay there but give him a date as to when you expect him out of your house, meaning he needs to get a job and have a plan. How does hubby feel about all of this? I'm sure it's probably sitting heavy on his shoulders too. Don't take on a situation that's going to potentially cause problems in your home. It sounds to me like you're already smart enough to know that, but just aren't sure how to go about tackling the situation. If I was you, I wouldn't worry about what your brother thinks or how he feels, it all goes back to the fact that HE is responsible for his life being where it's at. Why should it be YOUR job to pick him up and dust him off. I understand he's your brother, but don't let his mistakes affect your quality of life by him staying there. The choice is yours so do what you think is best for you and your family. He is an adult and needs to be made responsible for the consequences of his own bad choices.

Answer 6

I'm trying to mental put myself in your shoes....Hmmm...He is family and family should help family, but...He is old enough to stand up and be a man...
This is probably what i would do if i was you...I would give him a time limit, when he should have his crude together...He needs to help you pay bills if he is staying there...I wouldn't bring the daughter to your house if she is safe where she is at...This will put more of a burden on you and you really don't need that right now....She can visit, you probably would love to visit with your niece...
You need to set house rules and boundaries and you need to stick to them....No giving in, be strong...
One thing i forgot to ask, is your husband ok with this situation? He plays a big part in this and you and he need to talk about this and come to an agreement...You don't want bro coming between you two....
Whatever you choose to do...Good Luck ")

Answer 7

If your brother is a free loader, and a criminal, you need to stop this before it gets out of hand. He's asking you to look after himself and his daughter, that's a big responsibility. But it sounds like he didn't have the courtesy to discuss it with you first.

Tell him a day he needs to be gone. And make it soon. Explain to him that you can't afford to support another two mouths out of the blue like that. He'll probably try all kinds of guilt trips and pleading. But don't let him sway you. If he settles in, you'll never be rid of him.

Answer 8

Tell him he has to get his act together before he even contemplates getting his daughter. He needs to pay rent like everyone else also. No one said he could stay for free right? Tell him you love him but your family comes first and if he is not gonna help you all then he has too go.

Answer 9

Tell him he needs to get a job ASAP and help out with the chores, cooking, ect or you'll give 'im the boot. A little tough love might put him back on the right track.

Answer 10

kick him out asap, or he will ruin your family. That is a fact, except if he is total sober? then he should have a chance, at least for a few days, however first sign on anything, kick him out. He won`t learn anything if he don`t take the responsibilities of his actions. good luck, peace and love from Norway

Answer 11

Please-please do not let your brother or anybody else guilt you into taking him into your home. He is a worthless bum and will only bring you down. You, your husband, and daughter don't need this kind of stress in your home.