Was it really too soon?

Question

Alright, long story very short, my mom died almost 5 years ago, a few weeks after my 12th birthday. My dad only waited 8 months to start dating again, and when he did, he didn't even tell me, I stumbled upon them kissing on the back porch. Him and my mom were happily married for 14 years, and together for 10 years before they got married. I always thought it was wayyy too soon, and I was very upset and uncomfortable with it, and really felt like he never considered my feelings towards it. He's married to the lady now, and I'm pretty okay with it, but occasionally it still bothers me and I still think he should have waited longer and considered my opinions. All my friends agree, but I thought it would be interesting to hear the opinions of people I don't even know, who aren't involved in any way. Thanks!

I'm not saying I don't want him to ever date, and I obviously want him to be happy. I'm just asking if he should have waited longer.

Answer 1

Be happy for your father. He is not the same man he was before he married your mother. She helped make him the man he was, and he's much wiser than he was as a young man. He propably knew what he was looking for. Assume, for the sake of all involved, that his motives were pure, and that he does love this woman, unless you have reason to suspect otherwise. After all, your father did have to move on, and he may have been ready to move on more quickly than most people. I understand why this would hurt, because you were still grieving. And your father probably still grieves... So, really, if you want to answer these questions... you know who you should talk to about it? Your father. And just say it like this... say, " I don't know if this should bother me, but it does. How were you able to date so quickly after Mom died?" Humbly approach him. Do not judge him. And give him a chance to open his heart to you. It's a discussion you'll have to have in order to move forward in your relationship with him.

Answer 2

Well i agreee with you as well sunshine.. Although your dad was probably very lonley from your mom and this was probably the only way to help him let her go. After a parent passing the only thing that i would have in my mind is too make sure that 1. my parent is ok on the their own and 2. there happiness. If this is what made your dad happy then i would just go with it... because having someone happy is alot better then having someone sad or depressed all the time..! I dunno but i do understand what you mean and i would probably feel the same way if my mom or dad died and either one of them would get with someone so fast and not tell me about it! But its his / her life and we are just there children and we pretty much dont have much say in what they do! Hope this helps a little :) And sunshine im really sorry to hear that your mom passed when you were soo young. it must have been hell for you!xoxo

Answer 3

I understand your point of view my dad died when i was ten.
What I know now and understand is that for your dad.
Life had to continue. He had to get up and move forward with his life. It is different for every one and sometimes love comes when you least expect it. It sounds like he made the right decision if they are now married. If he had turned his back on this lady cause it was to soon would he still be alone now. Its not really fair to decide for some one else when is the right time. I understand your point of view but i also understand his decision. Maybe that understanding comes with time. it took me along time and many life experiences to realise that we must all do what we think is best.

Love can come from an unexpected place at an unexpected time. Be glad your dad had this opportunity and took the chance. You sometimes don't get a second chance to find happiness.

Answer 4

There are obviously no hard cut rules for this sort of thing. I personally don't thionk it was too soon- he was probably very lonely and sad and ready to move past the grief and go on with his life. I'm sure he didn't tell you because it's a very complicated matter and there's no way a 12 year old could process it all. I think you should just be happy your dad isn't alone and is enjoying his life despite the tragedy your family went through.

Answer 5

there is NO right or wrong..... your dad is an adult and knows what is best for him... and maybe he should have talked to you first about dating, if for no other reason than to reassure you..... but, he is the adult and you the child..... I was a child many years ago, and still remember how it felt.... as children , young ppl that is, we do not see the world yet as an adult does.... if you are happy, he is happy, and you are happy as a new family, then just enjoy that.... I think your Dad knew your mother well enough to know that she is prob. happy too, just knowing that all is well with you both...... as a wife of 31 yrs, if I went tonite, I would truely hope and wish my husband would go on with life and be happy... I love him enough to let it be so...... and I am sure your mom loved your Dad enough to hope and wish the same thing.... God bless

Answer 6

A terrible thing happened to you - I'm so sorry about your mom.

Try to give your dad a break - he lost the love of his life and took on the role of dad AND mom because of it. (Tough for a guy to be a mom.) He probably has guilty feelings about some of the issues you have brought up - what it does to you, was it too soon for him to date, should he ever date again, marry again?

It doesn't sound like she is terrible to you. And if your dad has managed to find a third woman in his life that he loves (your mom, you and the lady) then be happy for him and don't get caught up on timing.

Answer 7

I kind of went through the same thing when I was 14. Your dad is not trying to hurt you at all. Everyone grieves in different ways and for him to move on after 8 months might have been good for him. I bet your dad thought about you but might not have known how to approach you with everything. It's not easy for a dad to raise a daughter by himself. I honestly don't believe it was too soon at all for him. If you like her, be happy for them and just go on with your life! It's so much easier and you can enjoy your life!

Answer 8

If your father was happily married for 14 years, that is why he wanted to get married again. It is actually a compliment to your parents' relationship that he was so eager to get married.
But I can certainly understand your feelings. But I don't know whether you would ever have been ready. After all, he can marry again, but you can't get a new mother. It does sound as though you are still grieving for her, and your feelings haven't completely been dealt with. Men often aren't very good at that kind of thing, even with the best of intentions. I think it would be a waste of time to blame him. It would be better to enjoy him as much as you are able.
It sounds like he did try to be discrete about dating so soon after your mother's death, but he got caught.
I'm glad you are "pretty okay" with your stepmother, even though obviously she can't replace your mother. If your father is happy with her, that is a good thing. So I hope you can have a good relationship with her and your father.

Answer 9

Well I think it would be best to wait a while before you start dating again. People like that really can change you and make you feel worthless. Sometimes it is good to wait a while and get to learn who you are again. And what you are looking for in a person. I would wait at least a year before dating again. But it is all about how you feel about it.

Answer 10

Although to you is seemed too soon, everyone heals in a different way. Maybe in order to be functioning again he needed to speed along with the process. I know when I have something weighing heavy on my heart I need to delve right in to be able to start healing.