Secretly engaged. Family hates my fiance. How to handle this?

Question

I just got engaged and I couldn't be happier. I ADORE this man. I've loved him for 4 years and couldn't imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

Problem: my family HATES him. For those of you who have seen The Notebook--think of a couple like that who kind of fought a lot when they were younger. All my parents think of are all the negative things I EVER SAID about him during our little fights. So they think I deserve "better."

Also--he isn't exactly the same religion as my family, and my family is strictly religious.

But I know I would be miserable with anyone else and have failed each time I've tried even dating others in the past (we've been on and off for these past 4 years).

I wish I didn't have to keep the engagement secret. I don't know HOW to handle the marriage.

As stupid as this sounds, it will truely break my close family members hearts when they hear the news. Mainly b/c of religion.

I don't know what to do!

Be cut off from my family, or lose THE LOVE of my life?

No abuse. No cheating. No destructive behavior. No drugs. No harm from him.

Only love <3

There are no "valid" reasons for them to dislike him, other than he is not the poster child for Christianity, and the "spiritual leader" they want me to have.

Thanks for the advice that's already coming in, guys! :)

Answer 1

Your situation sounds very similar to my parents and my now husband. What I did was make dinner plans at a steakhouse, and invited my parents, telling them I have some news that I'm excited about. I brought my then boyfriend (he hadn't proposed at that point in time...yet) and told them that I was very happy with him, and I didn't want to be with anyone else. They ended up walking out of the resteraunt on us, and I didn't talk to them for 1 month. (Their hatred for him has gone on for years.) They slowly started to come around. Shortly before we got married I sat down with both parents, and told them that out of respect for me, that they at least need to treat him with respect, and be nice to him. Since then, things have been getting better. (My hubby & my dad are playing golf on Sunday.) Hope this helps, just by being direct, and to prepare you for possable repercussions. CONGRATS!

Answer 2

Clearly your religious views are different from your family. If they hold religious views higher than anything else, then I am afraid you cannot change their mind. The ball really is in their court to accept others as they are, and find the good in them. It may take years, or never. Until then, enjoy your life and dont hold yourself back. It sounds like it will be hard to do, but just be honest with them and tell them you are engaged, happy, and hope they can share that with you. If they start talking about religion and values, do not engage in this type of conversation. You will send a message to them that you do not reason this way. Be strong against any destructive conversations they try to have, and you will start your marriage on the right foot-- with or without them. Good luck!

Answer 3

If he's truly a great guy, go with the love of your life and let the chips fall where they may. People who let their families talk them out of being with the love of their life end up miserable: e.g. Princess Margaret. And the vast majority of parents would never cut off contact with a child, no matter how much they didn't like the partner.

But, could there be a valid reason (other than religion) why they don't like him? Could he be verbally or emotionally abusive in any way? Could there be some other reason(s)? They may have a valid reason for being concerned about you marrying him, that you could be too blinded by love to see. I suggest thinking about that carefully.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

It may be that they only remember things you said when you were angry with him.
As long as he can prove himself to be a good provider for you, then I think they'll eventually change their minds.
I had the same experience. My girlfriend's mother HATED me. She even threatened me with a knife, and said that she'd kill herself if I married her daughter. Part of the reason was that we are from different races and religions. They also thought that a high school teacher would never be able to provide for their daughter. We eventually eloped. But after a couple of years, her family finally realized that I was a great husband. I am now a welcome part of her family. Also, my son is EVERYONE'S favorite child.
If he is a good man, and can provide you with a good life, don't give up. And don't EVER tell your family that you secretly got engaged. If your family changes their mind, have him go to your father and ask for your hand in marriage. That will really make a good impression with your family. However, if they ever discover that you secretly got engaged, it could cause HUGE problems.

Answer 5

You and your fiancee should be independent and mature enough to make your own personal decisions. The main factor is your spirituality, which should be open and inclusive, and not restricted by the foundations of religious dogma, regardless if it is Christian churches, Jewish temples, or Islamic mosques, and so forth. The other decisions should be based on issues of family growth, how would you raise and discipline your children? As long as you hold the same ideals when it comes to basic fundamentals and if you truly love one another to overcome objections from those on the outside--including family, then follow your hearts. Everytime a major decision has to be made, only you two will have to make them, and you should not rely on outsiders to influence what you and your partner would wish to do as long as it is positive, fair, wholesome and loving. Good luck to you. So I say follow your own instincts.

Answer 6

Consider why they are against him....are they valid arguments. Love does blind people so you need to think about how you are going to make a lifetime of marriage work if 4 years has been difficult.

If the reasons aren't valid or you aren't concerned about them then all you can do is break the news gently and hope for the best. If they continue to be stubborn then you may have to just tell your family to cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Hopefully they will come around.

Answer 7

I wouldn't even have kept DATING a man my family didn't like, let alone keep dating him and get engaged... Your family just wants what's good for you - and they know you the best.
You DO have to consider religion, because that totally impacts upon your own family once you are married - where and how will you worship? In what faith will you raise your children? What morals and values will you hold in common?
Sometimes you can love someone dearly, but they may not be the best match for marriage.... I'm concerned that the two of you have been 'off and on' - that doesn't bode well for stability...

Answer 8

it sounds like you really love your family and that you respect their feelings- otherwise, your engagement would not be a big deal- secret or not. the best way to deal with this is to just gather your family and tell them all the good news. let them express their feelings- good and bad, but let them know that regardless of their feelings- you are getting married.

it won't be easy but true love is not something you should ever hide. if it helps, agree on a longer engagement to give everyone more time to adjust and get used to the idea. but, bottom line- be firm and stand up for your relationship. to do anything else is to say that you don't really believe. actions speak louder than words.

good luck

Answer 9

Talk to him first, tell him how you think your family will react. Maybe have him call your parents and talk to them, that's what my boyfriend did after we decided that get back together, he dumped me a year earlier and then we got back together. He talked to them and explained to them that he loved me and that he was stupid.
Your family is only saying what they think is right, you have to look at things from their perspective.
Once you've got everything figured out, between him and you about your family, and what exactly your family is thinking(they may act like they don't like him, but when given other choices they may like him more), then tell them.
Don't start your conversation off with " Don't be mad at me, but...." or "What would your reaction be when I tell you....". Those aren't good statements to start with, they lead people in the direction you don't want them go.
Sit down and have a heart to heart with one of your parents, ask them a hypothetical question like "If I had a twin sister, would you stop caring about her because she decided to marry her bf whom you didn't like?" Mom's are best to ask those types of questions because right away their gonna know who you're talking about, and they'll be more supportive than dads. Take things slow, and don't talk about any plans you've been thinking about for the wedding(colors, where, when, etc.). She'll have to get used to the idea first, and she'll help you break the news to your dad.

Answer 10

Your family will come around when they see he makes you happy. Just remember to be respectful to them as it will probably take them some time to adjust to the news. Don't forget that they love you (even if their words are angry at first) and just want you to be happy. They want you to be with someone deserving of a daughter/sister they love so much.

One thing you should consider: If you plan to have children, you should have a serious discussion with your fiance about what religion you plan to raise your children in. It will save you a LOT of heartache down the line.