My boyfriend fathered a child while we were broken up. What is our role in this childs life.?

Question

We are now engaged, we also have a 3 year old. He has had limited contact with the mother during pregnancy and only a few emails since the baby was born, a dna test proved he was the father. We live 3 hrs from the mother and haven't seen the baby, we have a consultation with a lawyer for visitation. The mother is pushing hard for him and his family, whom she has never met to come see the baby. He wants no contact with the mother, but is willing to see the baby, even though he thinks it would be better to just sign over the rights to the child instead of passing him back and forth and having to deal with the mother. What do you think is best for the child. The act was a mistake and there was no relationship between the parents. Should we be involved in his life, how often, or just sign him over and let her other sons father adopt him. we want to do whats best for the baby and our family too, me him and our daughter. He is very torn

Answer 1

This is something that your boyfriend, you, the baby's mother and the baby's stepfather need to discuss together face to face.

The mother CANNOT force him to be a part of the baby's life, the only thing she can force is child support. If you have the sit down face to face and explain to stepdad that you are more then willing to back away and let him have him, mom is going to have to come up with a pretty darned good reason why she would NOT agree to that.

I think that seeing as the baby is so far away and there is a man there willing to be his father, that after having the discussion it is best to just let the baby where he is.

Even if mom forces support the best thing you could do is let that baby be with his parents and not put him through the back and forth thing. I sorta wonder why she wants his family involved if she never even met them, is she using the baby to keep some form of control over him? Have the sit down, then move on. If he has to pay, let him pay and stay away from the rest of it. There is no reason for that child to be a pawn, if only one person is playing the game, it will end sooner then if two are!

Good Luck and God Bless!

Answer 2

You asked what "our" role is for this child.. .Sorry, to tell you this but, YOUR role is nothing. You didn't get this woman pregnant, but it's nice that you are willing to support your boyfriend/fiance through this self inflicted ordeal.. He needs to make some decisions on providing child support and visitiation etc... As much as he doesn't want a relationship with the mother he should have thought of that BEFORE he screwed her... I give you credit for sticking with him, but it's not your call on what he does/doesn't do.. He needs to be a stand up guy and be responsible for his actions.. However, if the "child" has another better father figure in his life than by all means sign the parental rights over to the mother and hope for the best.. Good luck in whatever HE decides...

Answer 3

"We" do not have a role in this child's life. Your boyfriend helped to create this child and now he must step up to the plate and help to raise the child. The fact that he did not have a relationship with the mother is irrelevant because they are now bound together through this child. It is not fair that he would deny this child the opportunity to have a relationship with him just because he has ill feelings towards the mother. This child did not ask to be here and he/she deserves the very best that his/her parents have to offer, WITHOUT DRAMA.

Having to split the child between two houses will just be apart of the kid's life that they won't really care about. All kid's need is love and quality time from the people who brought them into the world. Encourage your boyfriend to be a father to his child.

To answer your question: Your role as the girlfriend is to support your boyfriend. This situation should be worked out between the two parents and you should stay out of it. Again, unnecessary drama does not benefit the children. Good luck.

Answer 4

It isn't really any of your business. I can understand that it would bother you, since you plan on marrying him but if it was your child, would you really be willing to just sign it away because *think* it will be easier for you? It's not that baby's fault that he was born, it didn't ask for this. Your fiance made his bed and now he needs to lie in it. Even if he can't go to see the baby very often he could still send money to help out the mother. He doesn't have to like her or spend time with her.

Answer 5

Maybe the baby's mom is pressuring your fiance's family to see the baby because it is his family too! And before he signs away his rights as a parent, he must go and see him at least once to see who he is giving up.
Yes, by signing away his rights he does not have to pay support, but is removing himself from any part of this baby's life. How would you feel if he signed away his rights to YOUR daughter because it is easier and what he considers in her best interest?
The act that created the child was a mistake, but I believe that God intends for that baby to be here because it was born and nothing stopped that from happening. This little boy is your daughters brother and maybe they deserve to know each other.
So tell your fiance to keep his fly zipped from now on, buck up and go see his son. Make the visitation stick, and be gracious and loving to this child that is part of your extended family. A child does not have to grow in your body, only in your heart to be loved.

Answer 6

so, let me get this straight. you and mr. wonderful were together and split up for a bit. in that time he managed to hook up with someone else and knock her up. now, he's back with you and he wants to know what to do with this poor baby that was the result of a fling with someone he cares not to be associated with. "he thinks it would be better to sign over the rights to the child". sounds like you got yourself a real winner.

if he was at least 1/2 a man he would not only want to see his child but he would want to be an active and responsible father in his life. so what if he and his baby mama aren't together- what done is done and he IS a daddy now. he should pretend to be a man and step up. he should pay child support and get involved- even if the baby is 3 hours away.

he sounds like a pathetic excuse for a man and ain't NO WAY i would hook up with a man who even questions whether or not he should take care of his own blood. he is a disgrace!

if he really is that sorry- he should just let his baby mama's other baby daddy adopt him. your man clearly isn't ready to be a REAL man.

Answer 7

Aren't we selfish, what if the shoe was on the other foot? He needs to own up and be responsible as long as the mother is making the effort. When the child is older, or the mother finds someone else who is willing to step up to the plate and be the father, and not refer to the child as a mistake then you can both cut your losses. Until then be responsible and welcome your child's sibling into the family.

Answer 8

Please do not pressure him to sign the baby over. He needs to make that decision. It sounds like he is a good man. You need to leave this entirely up to him. I'm speaking from experience here. My husband has been down this road. In retrospect with a few years and a little wisdom under my belt I realize that I influenced his decision and I deeply regret it.
P.S. If he has to have contact with the mother to make it happen. So be it. You will need to put your own personal feelings aside for the childs sake.

Answer 9

He needs to move near her and be a dad.If he would make a baby and dump them both and sign it away, you aren't getting much of a prize there hon.Especially seeing that he already had one child to take care of.He should have married you 4 yrs ago, instead of having a string of illegitimate kids all over the place.There was OBVIOUSLY ENOUGH of a relationship between the woman and YOUR (at the time ) EX in order for a baby to be produced.Guess what THEY did to make a baby?Like I said, you both move near her so he can be in the kids life.Or ask the mom if she can move near you.

Answer 10

You have no role whatsoever in this child's life. These issues concern only the parents of the child and their respective families. Involving yourself can do nothing but complicate an already difficult situation. Be supportive of your fiance but stay out of it.