My father in law has pancreatic cancer it's too far advanced for them to do anything my question is?

Question

How much information do I tell my 9 and 11 year old boys? When is the right time to tell them? before he gets really bad? I just don't know how to go about this, my husband wants to tell them now and I keep telling him no not yet but I know we can't not tell them any help would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

My suggestion is to listen to the wise words from fuzzydice and your husband. Fuzzydice is still trying to cope after 50 years. Why would you want to wait to tell them?

I am terminally ill. I don't know if I have any tomorrows left, so everything I do focuses on the moment. I make sure everyone in my life knows I love them because I may not be around to tell them tomorrow. Your sons may only be 9 and 11, but they are more than capable of handling something like this. What if your father-in-law didn't wake up in the morning? How would you explain that to your kids? At least give them the opportunity to spend as much time with him as possible, even if it is only a phone call every day. It will do wonders for his morale, and your kids will draw strength from him. If you don't tell them, your father-in-law is going to have to put on one heck of an act when he is around them. You are basically forcing him to lie to those kids, and that isn't fair to him or your boys.

My kids were a lot older when I had to sit them down and tell them I was terminal (16 and 21). It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done as a parent. The time I have spent with them since my diagnosis has been the greatest gift I have ever received. Believe me, your kids will thank you for your honesty, and your father-in-law will thank you for your courage. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 2

Unfortunately pancreatic cancer is relatively quick regardless of chemotherapy or radiation. The usual period of time is 6 months or less pending the advancement of the disease.

It is their grandfather and I do believe at 9 and 11 years old they are capable of understanding the severity of the situation. I agree with your husband and they should be told sooner than later. This will allow the boys to spend some time with their grandad. It may be the last time he sees them too. I also think you and your husband should be there together to talk to them. This is a family issue and should be discussed as a family. If your sons have any questions you should both be open enough to talk to them. When the time comes when he passes away, your sons will be more prepared knowing that he is no longer in pain and is at peace. Good luck-you'll make the transition a lot easier doing it together.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but pancreatic cancer is one of the worst and most fatal of all cancers. All that you can do for him now is to be there with him, comfort him, and let him know that you'll be alright when he's gone. If he's gone through chemotherapy, he might be bald, very thin, and extremely weak. It will be a shock, no doubt. Just know that his pain will be over soon... Remember him for the man who he was, not the man who is he right now.

Answer 4

Although your fil and I are in the same boat, your question hits home because of something that happened 50 years ago. My mother died of cancer 3 days before my 10th birthday. I was not told that she was dying, or even that the illness was serious. I only learned this after her death. I was never given the chance to come to terms with her impending death, or having that knowledge, to say goodbye. This remains an issue with me to this day. Death, with the accompanying pain, sadness and sense of loss are not easy for anyone to go through, but I think most 9 year olds can handle it, and allowed to go through the grieving process they can get the closure that is necessary. I wish that I had been given that opportunity.

Answer 5

I am really sorry about your fil. I think that your sons are old enough to understand, to a point, what death means, and wouldn't you like them to have the chance to cherish the time they have left with a healthy grandpa? You should be honest with them so that your children know that they can trust you. They need to know that they can depend on you for the truth throughout their lives. Give them opportunities to ask questions and talk about their feelings about the situation and let them grieve losing someone that they love. It's a hard situation, but at least they will have the chance to say goodbye.
Good luck

Answer 6

Please do not tell them until his passing is imminent. It will be hard enough dealing with his death, and prolonging that worry will not help him or the boys at all. They will be able to spend better quality time with him without that worry hanging over their heads. They are old enough that they may guess how serious it is, and if they ask, tell them then. But until then, ignorance is bliss and it will keep them from having to experience unnecessary stress and anguish.

Answer 7

I don't suggest telling the 9 yr old but if u only tell the 11 yr he won't keep it a secret. I was told as a kid (abt 9 yrs. of age) when my aunt died from intestinal cancer. My parents didn't tell me she was going to die but instead only told be when she actually died and I thank them today for this so take this route.

Answer 8

tell them now. They might have something to say to him now and it isn't your right to withold that opportunity from them. Don't try and hide stuff from kids--they know something is going on and it will just stress them out if the adults in the house are pussyfooting around.

Answer 9

tell them now, so they can have the best quality time with him now, and have a better memory of him

Answer 10

i would tell them asap. if he was to die with you and him not telling them and they found out you knew he was dieing even at their young age they would never forgive you for not telling.