How do I let go?

Question

So I just got out of a long, confusing relationship. And for the first time in a long time I feel at peace. I don't have to worry about who I talk to, where I go and even what I wear. I'm free. So why do I feel empty? I'm not hurting anymore, but something is still missing and nothing seems to fill this void. All the attention and freedom feels good, but as much as I like it, no one compares to him. I know we're done, and I'm okay with that, but why do I compare everything and everyone with him? Even the things I couldn't stand about him I seem to look for in others. I don't want anyone trying to control me, but could it be that I'm so used to it? I think I'm used to being sheltered and protected to the point that I'm almost being controlled. So how do I let go? I think I let go of everything else but that...
Any advice?

I know time heals all wounds..
But what fills the void?
How do I figure out what it is that I want?

I still love this man.. there is no denying that. But I have gotten over being with him. Letting go of our relationship is something I have already come to terms with (we will never be together again. it's just never going to happen). I just want to know how to let go of his qualities and how not to feel so empty. I don't want him back, so why do I feel so incomplete?

Answer 1

If the question is how do I let go of that part of him that was the relationship - however good or bad - that you look for in others, I think the question before that is first, "do you want to let go of it? Friends, objective onlookers, and even our conscience tell us its not good, that we deserve better, but our hearts tell us that we long for certain things.

The book quirkyalone describes maybe why some people never get into future relationships - they've had an experience so profound, so moving, so emotional, that in the end other experiences/relationships rarely compare. And if you settle, you surely won't find happiness. So even though you get a lot of attention, you're still looking for more of what you actually like/want in someone else. Perhaps your ex just wasn't exactly "everything" that you wanted.

If that is the case, then maybe its not letting go of those qualities, attributes, ways he did things as much as your heart telling you that that is really some things you look for, plus so much more....

Answer 2

Leaving a long relationship is like being separated from a best friend. That person is who you spent all of your time even if you didn't want to.

You need to take a break from dating a figure out who you are on your own. Have some You time! If you take your mind off romanitc relationships then when the time comes everything will fall into place.

Getting in a relationship so soon after getting rid of a controlling guy will almost always lead you to dating the same type of guy all over again. And yes you may be used to it but you don't deserve to be controlled. You should have a relationship where the two of you work together.

Answer 3

Get a puppy or a cat. Find an animal a bird to take care of LOVE. But no another man. it is too early sounds like you might be on the rebound. Don't want to make the same mistakes. Give yourself sometime. Sounds like you have let go. But just want to fill the void. Get a puppy. Try babysitting. Kids often help heel the wounded.

Answer 4

In any separation, letting go is the hardest part. You've associated many good things with your former partner. Is reconciliation possible?

If not and if you really want to let go, you must put everything away that would remind you of him - yes, even the little things. Associate him to someone that has hurt you in the past (but someone you have forgiven). Put up a boundary, and just let go.

Don't let it affect where you are going with your life. The feelings you are having is like a baggage that is keeping you from achieving a life that you deserve.

Remember that time is a healer.

Answer 5

egasgirl,
I hope you embrace a hobby or interest or passion you had before that relationship began. It will give your mind something to focus on and activity for the free time, time you would have spent missing or thinking of your 'ex'.

join a fitness center, YMCA swimming class, or bike club
sign up for ballroom dancing, tango, meringue, or waltz
volunteer in your local community, church youth group, etc
take up tennis, golf, canoe-ing, fencing, jogging, bicycling
reconnect with friends you haven't talked to or emailed in a while, see what they have been up to, why not take a road trip and visit one/some of them?
become the "hostess" for your friends - game night, cards night, all-girl-Texas Hold 'Em, cook together, watch a t.v. series or movie together

You are just going through one of the phases of relationship termination. The smoke hasn't cleared yet. It soon will. Find activities that keep your mind active and get your blood flowing. You will feel better about yourself, meet new people, and won't have idle time to think about what you have been "use to".

Good luck to the new you !

Answer 6

When you are in a relationship that has a dominate controlling personality you suppress your own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace. Once you end the relationship you have to reestablish the ability to think for yourself. You have lost your sense of self and self direction. He was your decision maker and you feel confused about how to make your own decisions. Do not enter a new relationship until you have regained your self esteem and self direction or you may end up in the same situation all over again.

Answer 7

Sounds mighty familiar. I feel you! So looking for him in other guys and comparing them is just about not knowing any different. You were with him for a while and that's what you knew. It's hard to let go all the way. But if you say you fell "free" and "at peace" sounds like something about the break-up was right for you. It's sucks but the thing that's going to help is time. Time will tell...it'll pass.

Answer 8

I think that you are used to your ex controlling you. It's a good thing that you broke it off. No woman should have to put up with that in a man. Go on dates. That might fill your void. I don't think that your void is the controlling issue, I think it is because you are lonely and want someone. Good luck and find a great guy.

Answer 9

I know what you are going through. I've been there more than once. Yes it hurts. yes there is a void in your heart and your life. there must be a reason for your now freedom. accept that fact. save your money and take a trip to exotic locale. it helps. join a local club or organization and get a LITTLE involved. save some time for self and everything will fall into place. yes it does take time but time heals all wounds.

Answer 10

You were 1/2 of a couple. Now you are 100% you. Do things that fill you up with joy and happiness . You probably gave up part of yourself, so come on and reclaim you. Do not seek to enter into another relationship until after you have found all you missing parts! Good luck!