Should my daughters sleep with their Dad on visits?

Question

When they stay every other weekend they always end up sleeping in the same bed. Sometimes all three in a single. He does not have his own place. Staying at a mutual friends house or his parents. Other sleeping arrangements are available but he won't be firm with them when they ask to be in his bed. Preferring them to idolise him. My friend is not happy about this either and I doubt if his parents would be. They are usually away when he stays at theirs. They sleep in their own beds at home, coming in for a cuddle in the mornings at weekends. When my youngest wakes with a nightmare I go to her room. I am not happy with the situation, they are 4 and nearly 7. Their stepfather thinks it is totally wrong and so do most people I speak with.

If it was a boy with his mother it would be the same. I don't think anything is actually going on. But things have been said by people and it could become a problem. And why does it have to be everytime for the last two years. Yes i have had experience of this myself, when I got together with him my six year old son used to want to cuddle me in bed and he went mad, saying it was not right and used to be really nasty to him causing a rift between the two of them. Funny though cos he used to sleep with his daughter from a previous marriage at the time. She is now 15. And I am not beating up my ex for the sake of it I just wanted a few unbiased opinions.

Actually why do a lot of people think that stepfathers are a threat. He is not jealous as he gets more love and affection than their Dad. He is just concerned for their welfare. I know them both and know which has the best parenting skills. Sperm does not a father make. Love is shown in many ways and it is not shown with gifts but with love, discipline and attention to a childs welfare. No point in talking to the father as he always agrees and then goes off and does what he wants.

Answer 1

Although you may find it distasteful, it's not unhealthy. Sleeping in the same bed used to be much more common, and it creates a strong bond between parents and children. It can even help to prevent psychological issues for your daughters later in life.

It would, of course, be different if your daughters objected to it or if you suspected there was anything sexual about it, but it sounds to me like that's not the case. I understand that you're uncomfortable, but what their father is doing isn't harmful to them, and I don't know whether it would be right of you to interfere with what little time he does get to spend raising them.

Answer 2

I'm a single Dad with a 7 y/old boy (& a 12 y/o who's staying with his Mum's family for a bit).
Say he wakes up at 2am after a nightmare, what do I do? Let him into my bed to cuddle & comfort him & give him the security of sleeping with me, or send him back to his own bed because his Mummy died?

What's the difference if the Mum's divorced & he's staying with me, or even if it's a daughter? If they want to stay with him (they are ASKING, you say) then what's the harm? At that age I think they just see him as 'Daddy', there's nothing sexual in their minds & nothing wrong with it.
I know some people may find this hard to hear, but some of us men do try to respect our children! How are they to learn respect if they don't see it?

I bet that in a few years time they'll be saying 'Yeuch, you mean I wanted to sleep in the same bed as Dad, no way!'

L&L.

Just added this after reading all the other answers:
There seem to be loads of paranoid people out in Webland tonight. Are you all being frightened by what you see/hear on the news or read in the papers, or have you all actually been abused by your fathers, step-fathers, uncles, whatever?
I cannot see any other reason for all these negative responses!
For example, do you actually think it's a good thing that there are no more litter bins in London, or just daft? When was the last time you were blown up (and Yes, I did live in Northern Ireland, as well as London)?

Answer 3

Tricky question...Men have to be so careful these days...although I must agree that the 7 year old is getting rather old, but I'm sure at four at least one of my daughters used to get into bed with me on a morning or in the middle of the night...having said that it was more often me that had to vacate the bed...If he does not have his own place then it is difficult for him...I dont like the phrase you use idolise him, they are his children as well and if he sees them only every other weekend, then he has the right to spoil them a little. See how things go...I would certainly say that in twelve months time the eldest would be too old...but you do have a difficult problem.

Answer 4

First of all it doesn't matter what your friends or their step-father thinks about the arrangement. They didn't donate the sperm that made them so they don't get a say. As for them sleeping with their dad in a single bed isn't a good idea for various reason. However since they are away from the comfort of their home and are probably feeling uneasy i think it okay if they want to be close to their dad. Put yourself in their place if you had to stay at a strangers house wouldn't you want to be close to your parent. Sleeping near their dad makes them feel safer. Intead of going off the deep end why don't you make a compromise and get them sleeping bags so they can sleep on the floor next to their dad. That way they are still close but not crammed in a small bed with him.

Answer 5

My 6 year daughter sleeps in my Ex's bed when she stays with him 50% of the time. I do not like it because when she comes home to me she will not sleep in her own room which is disruptive to her. However since he lives and can only afford a one bedroom flat I have no way in changing that situation. I have even suggested a sofa bed! And I get the 'I miss Daddy at bedtime, and I wish it were Daddy's night! I know it is frustrating but I have to ask do I only worry because of all the horror stories I hear? Her Dad is a caring, and wonderful father and I can only be grateful that at least he makes an effort unlike alot of runaway fathers!
Maybe try helping him find a suitable housing solution? I know its not easy, and I have a partner too and know that he gets involved and makes it twice as bad.
I wish you all the best!

Answer 6

Not all fathers are Pedophiles!....Your daughters probably feels safe with their dad....since your ex has to stay at his friends house.....I don't see what the problem is....People like to jump to conclusions in this world....and I actually feel sorry for the ex for being ridiculed....just because he has his two babies (which he also helped bring into the world) being judged.....I could see if he was a registered sex offender.....than I would say you got something to worry about and to contact the police......I wouldn't even let them sleep with the step father cause than I would say that is not right!....but this is THEIR father......and they feel safe.....its sad that people are like the witch hunters of long ago and because something is not to their liking they want to cry...Weirdo....I have found that most of the ones doing the finger pointing.....theses are the ones you got to watch.....all I can say is give the man a break.....maybe your new husband is just jealous because of your ex's closeness to his children......

Answer 7

I had a 2 year old step-son before my divorce and he was used to sleeping with us. I totally disagreed and whenever we tried to make him sleep in his own bed he would scream and cry until his Dad caved in and let him get in the bed with us. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but my son started out sleeping in his own bed and the only time I had any problem with him was when his Dad and I divorced. He was 4 and he would wake up in the middle of the night and get in the bed with me. I knew he was trying to adjust and I didn't say anything. He grew out of that quickly and seems to be perfectly well adjust after always sleeping in his own bed. He's soon to be 18.

Answer 8

You have not indicated that you think anything untoward is going on. If you are worried that they are being sexually abused, take them to your pediatrician and explain why you have those fears. It will take only a few minutes of examination to find out the truth.

If he is sexually abusing them, then you will have proof to go before the court and demand visitation be revoked. If he is not sexually abusing them, then your "rights" are limited...

You can talk to your lawyer, who drafted the visitation rights to begin with. Tell him that you "don't think it is right" for all three of them to end up sleeping in the same bed, even though nothing is going on. It will probably go no farther than your lawyer warning his lawyer that this behaviour isn't acceptable and to change it, or custody will be "rethought".

As it stands, I think that the only thing your ex-husband is doing is trying to get his kids to idolise him, as you said. But I presume you divorced him because of his irresponsibility. It should not surprise you to find out that he is the same still.

But if the only real objection you have is that their Dad doesn't have a home of his own, and he spoils your kids inappropriately, I have to tell you that my gut instinct is "SO WHAT"!! The girls are still getting to see their father--whom they idolise (you have said). I don't think they really CARE that he can't give them separate beds to sleep in, nor a home of his own to go to. If nothing sexual is happening, then leave them alone. THEY need the companionship of their father to be happy. Don't presume to take that away from them just because his lifestyle doesn't meet with YOUR criteria!!

Answer 9

I remember when my parents separated, my dad would come over once in a while and sleep in a big sleeping bag on the living room floor. We (ages 6 and 4) thought it was the best thing in the world to camp out on the floor with him. We wanted to be close to him because he didn't get to see him that often. There was nothing wrong with it, we were just spending time with our dad. I think at their ages it is okay, it is just a dad wanting to be close to his kids.

It also sounds like the kids are the ones that initate this from your description, not the father. If he were doing bad things, wouldn't he be the one to initiate? It's probably hard for him to say no because he misses them. I know it probably mildly annoyed my dad not to have a comfortable sleeping space when we were there with him but he sacrificed his comfort to comfort his kids.

I feel the sleeping situation might be creepy if he had them most of the time and they always slept with him, but when they only get to see their father occasionally, it's a treat to be able to spend that extra time with him, even if it is just sleeping.

Answer 10

Absolutely NOT! Your ex is being childish- how can two girls and one man sleep on one single bed? If he is going to be trusted with the responsibility of them, he must show he is capable of giving them decent sleeping arrangements- which means either beds of their own, or at least invest in a couple of camp beds- even blow up mattresses would be a fun solution. As your ex seems incapable of this kind of thinking you must get them for him to use, if he refuses then you have every right to refuse access.