step mother has no place in home for herself?

Question

I am a step mother to 3 children ages 10-15. I have no where to call my own in our house. The children are always wondering where i am etc. I am a smoker and I am careful to go outside etc. Last evening I had stepped outside to smoke and my 15 year old step daughter told her dad the smoke was still coming in her room on the other side of the house or maybe thru her vent. He informed me and I said I guess I have to go out to the street to smoke... I realize this is a horrible habit... but I feel like I am a 40 year old adult and if I want to smoke in my yard, driveway i should be able to .....I was shocked she complained to him......she is a very irresponsible child with bad grades and an attitude problem....I am always picking up after her or taking care of her messes....and i feel this is unfair.

Answer 1

This girl needs to be disciplined for being disrespectful to you. You should be able to have a smoke whereever you want to. You are the adult and it should be your choice.

Answer 2

I've been a step mother, so feel qualified to address it a little anyway.

First of all: Life's not fair, period. Not just for you, but for everybody. So just get over that part.

Second of all: She does have a right to not have smoke in her room, and you are the smoker, so you are responsible to stand where the smoke won't go in her room.

Third of all: You have a right to smoke if you want to. (You're right. It's a bad, dangerous habit.)

Fourth of all: You said she is a very 'irresponsible child.' Exactly. That's why she has parents.

Fifth of all: You don't have to--and shouldn't--pick up after her. You, or better, her dad, should teach her to pick up after herself.

Being a step-parent is harder though because people accuse you of not liking the child, etc. if you try to teach them to do the right things. So you have to be more careful to be fair and consistent.

Secure the dad's cooperation, then tell her that there are three places for clothes she is not wearing to be. 1- the closet, 2-the drawer, 3-the laundry hamper. Tell her if you find things of hers left on the floor when you go to clean (don't just run grab stuff the minute she sets it down, of course) that you will assume she meant it to be trash, and you will throw it away or give it away to needy persons. Then DO it. Don't bargain. Don't argue. Don't yell. Don't nag. Just do what the rule says, and let it go. Act like you expect her (and DO expect her) to follow the rules of the household.

If the father thinks the rules are unfair, you will not get the child's cooperation and the best thing is to bite your tongue and make the best of it until she leaves home. She will not live with you forever. And you knew he had children when you married him.

Otherwise, you will end up divorced. And children, in their emotions always keep hoping their 'real' parents will get back together--even when they know in their minds it's not going to happen--so they do things to sabotage the new marriage.

And last of all, have a heart for the kid: She lost her home with mommy and daddy. It's tough for her, too, having a different mom with her dad.

God bless!

Answer 3

You are not in competition with your step children so stop acting like you are. You shouldn't be shocked, her behavior speaks to her anger and underlying emotional issues probably about his relationship to her mother or the lack of her mother being there (you don't say if it was divorce or death).

Tell her that the next time she has a problem with something you do, that she needs to tell you. Tell her this in front of your husband. Then you and your husband need to get a game plan going to help this child. Its not going to get any better, and this is the time to actually help her grow up to be a good person. She is the child, you are the adult, and so stop the drama and actually parent her.

You know you need to stop smoking, and if it was as easy to do as that, you would have stopped already. Smoke where you want, she can deal with a few seconds of smelling smoke, that far away, its not going to hurt her. When you are ready to quit, then best of luck to you.

As long as you have a whining attitude about your place in this family "I have no where to call my own in our house", you are putting yourself at the level of the kids. This is a deeper problem than being able to smoke. Kids are going to wonder where you are, they always do that, it drives parents nuts. In ten years they will all be gone and you will have a silent house all to your own. In the mean time, tell your husband you need a private space, even if it means a lock on the bedroom door. You can also put a "do not disturb" sign on the door, and tell the kids that when that sign is out, you are having private time and they are to back off unless the house is on fire. Don't give them any idea's though.

Answer 4

I couldnt even finish reading this before I had to comment on the smoke leading up to her room thing. PLEASE tell me your husband is not that ignorant. I mean he must know that that is far fetched. Usually when a teenager is really aware of your smoking its because they themselves smoke. Not always but usually. I think you need to talk with the husband about your respect as an indavidual and a wife. I know that these situations involving step children and step parents is always, well usually sticky. But you sound pretty level headed and that your trying to be fair, so I think you need some compensation on your end as well. I think the only way this will be possible is by communication to the husband and children. I advise speaking with him alone and then when you talk to the kids have him present as well so nothing gets mixed up in the story telling of what happened or what was said. Ya know! Well Good Luck! i'm curious as to what will happen. Kim

Answer 5

You have a hard row to hoe. Being a step child and parent I know both sides to the story. But don't confuse or allow issues to over lap. Yes I'm a smoker, I have started smoking outside my self. and yes it's a bad habit..........
Look at it this way, Your getting a break when you go smoke. And outside is good enough. enough about that subject.

You and Hubby need to have a set down talk about parents and kids. That is your home too, your taking on someone elses kids, to love and care for as your own. He needs to stand behind you 110% and p!ss off his kids by taking your side, I was always the bad guy too.

He also needs to address the bad additudes in the home. As I'm sure there's always drama in the house.

And lastly the kids are old enough to help and have chores. If they don't help, don't do their laundry. My 16yo son knows how to do laundry, but I generally do it as he has a job etc. But if he don't get it to the laundry romm it don't get done. Period He also has to carry his clean clothesback up stairs sometimes they get put up sometimes they don't. If he wants to wear wrinlked clothes that's on him.

If other housework isn't getting done as I suspect, have another sit down with hubby, and tell him no help no cleaning, cooking, etc.

My step duaghters are 21 and 25 with their own kids and guess what they are using some of dad's words, about helping etc. So hang in there, after all a dimond starts out as a chunk of coal.

Answer 6

First off, you are not the kid's mother and it's not your place to judge them. Chances are the divorce between the kid's mother and father were hard on them, and they are resentful towards you because they feel that you're trying to replace their Mom. Yes, you should be able to smoke where and when you want, but you have to realize that these kids are impressionable, and that you want to set a good example for them. Part of being a mom or stepmom is taking care of the kids, and that includes picking up after them. As for the attitude problem...she's 15. If you expect a sweetheart after her parents have gone through a divorce and her father has been remarried, you're living in a dream world. When you married their Dad, you got the kids as part of the package. As for it being unfair, you REALLY need to grow up. You're a 40 year old woman and an adult--act like it.

Answer 7

Step parenting is the least rewarding job I have ever had. I know it can get a great experience for some, but I found it almost impossible. My stepson is an ungrateful, rude, disrespectful kid who just left to move back with his mom.
You say you are always picking up after her. STOP! If you keep doing this, she'll just expect it.
Her father should be stepping up to the plate and making sure she treats you with respect. If he can't do that, he's not much of a dad.
My husband and I went to counseling and after a lot of $ spent, I learned it's the bio parents job and responsibility to make sure these kids are disciplined. Good luck. It's a tough, long road. I hope you can make it. I barely did.

Answer 8

It's your house smoke where you want... I am a non-smoker (always have been) but my boyfriend smokes (maybe 2 cigs a day) and also goes outside. As long as you are being considerate tell her to deal with it~close her window~it is not her place to tell you what to do it is your place to tell her what to do~She is still a kid~ Also, she should be grounded without any privledges until grades come up and she is mroe respectful...Good luck

Answer 9

I would smoke where ever the h*ll I wanted. No, snot nosed little brat, would do that to me. She is just jealous because you are the (step) parent. She'll get used to it sooner or later. Good Luck and Take Care

Answer 10

You shouldn't smoke - it's bad for you.

Look. You know the answer to this - Leave this family. - see the other posts.

And what was in the glasses case from your car?