having a girl in september..not close with my mom and i feel so scared!?

Question

Well, my mother lives just a few minutes away from me now. She and I have definitely gotten a little closer since I've become pregnant. However, she suffered some financial hardtimes throughout my childhood and as a result, resorted to drinking, gambling, and stealing the identity of her three kids (myself included, which im still struggling to build back from since I refuse to sue my own mother). I obviously had a lot of anger toward her, but I'm trying to grow up and understand where she ever could've been coming from. She also hasn't spoken to her own mother, who lives down in Florida in years for what reason I still don't know. She lost touch with her own family, over financial matters I believe. She has made a lot of mistakes and driven most of the people in her life away. I feel like this is a cycle of bad relationships between mother and daughter on her side of the family and I'm terrified that my relationship with my new daughter will be cursed.

I know that I won't make the mistakes she made (isn't that what we all say about the mistakes our parents made) but I am still so scared of my relationship with my unborn daugther because of my relationship with my mom, and her relationship with her mom. HELP!

I should add, i know with the details I gave you have to automatically say that she was a bad mom, and i had a bad childhood. I know she didnt make the best choices by a longshot but she did her best to hide all of these hardships from us as children, and never did anything to directly hurt any of us. She made far too many financial mistakes and was never taught how to deal with them. She is a good person without the proper resources. Sometimes I hate her for it, but she's my mom and she's the only one I have so I love her of course. WOW, that felt good to say

Answer 1

My mother was neglected emotionally by her own mother. It made her manipulative and a liar. She wasn't emotionally there for me growing up or at any other time in my life. I learned to mother myself, and when I had daughters I swore that I would break the cycle. I did that by recognizing when I was "speaking with my mothers tongue", and when I was being genuine. I raised them to trust me, and I trust them. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them, they are 24 now(twins). I talk with them every day or every other day at least(neither live at home now), and I really like the people they are. I tried to be consistant in my parenting, and while I was not able to give them alot of material things, I spent all my time with them and made myself available to them.

I think for me the key was loving them unconditionally. I loved them when they were good and when they were bad. I never threw their mistakes in their face and I am supportive of their goals. Loveing unconditonally is very hard for someone who wasn't loved that way. The best way I can describe it is that you love the person always. The behavior is where you voice your standards.

If you commit to breaking this cycle of bad parenting then you will free your daughter and your granddaughters for generations to come.

You need to realize that your mother has not changed, and will not change as long as her bad behavior is blamed on everything else but her. You are enabling her behavior by making excuses for her. You can love your mother, but keep her at arms length.

Answer 2

You are your own person and you control what happens...remember and learn from your mother....grow from that experience...and provide a loving, trusting and honest home for your daughter.

We all make mistakes, that's truthful to say, but the things you went through are pretty severe. Have you ever spoken to a counselor about it? I'm not afraid to admit I have seen one and for a few months time to deal with the issues my mother also put me through as a child. My mother made poor choices for my sister and I through two divorces and plenty more...I was angry with her a long time, still am sometimes when the moment strikes...I just constantly think why would she have chosen "this" over her two children? Weren't we enough for her? Things like that....I personally needed to move past all of it....and talking to a wonderful counselor helped me bury that and become my own woman.

As a mother, and having gone through what you are, I can tell you...yes, sometimes I can sense a "mom" moment (my own mother) in the way I talk or argue with my husband. My husband even calls me by my mom's name to be funny...but it's NOT. So, your mom's personality or attitudes may come out from time to time, BUT, her financial mistakes are not hereditary....trust me. You control your own self...and I can just tell you are BETTER than that. You can break the cycle...I promise!

What a wonderful mother you will make....you are conscious of these mistakes and are looking to not make the same ones. You're already making a better life for your daughter. Take care.

Answer 3

Your relationship with your daughter will not be cursed, sweets.
The biggest issue you will probably face is that you will go a little overboard in the opposite direction from which you were raised by your mom.
You'll probably find yourself a little more "tight" with your money and such.
You are SO wise to WORK at trying to understand your mom. She made some choices that weren't so great, but she still did the best job she could.
You don't have to try to be family of the year, but it will be better for you and for your soon to be child if you continue to work on forgiving your mom.
Your mom may not be the most put together, but for better or worse she raised 3 children and they all survived to adulthood - so she couldn't be too terrible.
You'll be ok. There's nothing to fear.

Answer 4

No, you and your daughter will not be "cursed". You seem to know where some of the problems come from, YEAH, that is the first step to making sure they don't happen to you!

Also, remember that you are you - not your mother and that your daughter will be herself - not you. You may see a lot of yourself in your daughter (I know I do in mine) but there will be MANY differences - just like there are MANY differences between you and your mother.

Congratulations - you will be giving birth to an new best friend - but as in all friendships - you still have to work on it!

Best wishes!

Answer 5

Dont worry about it. I know this has nothing to do with your question but if its truly hard for you take your mom to court along with your other sibling and sue. If you think you wont make the same mistakes jut play with your daughter love her and know that you dont want her to do through what you went through. It wont be cursed if you see as you said your mother drove people away for example you and her mother so that has nothing to do with how you and your daughte will have a bond. Think about it does your grandmother have problems with other people. Your daughter and you wll havea srong bond becauwse I cna tell right now you care abiut her. If you continue to care about her abd not pay any attention to this curse you and your daughter willl have a perfect relationship. If you want to make it feel better plan a dinner with your faimly, you, your mom, and your grandmother so you can work things out. I hop this helps and Good Luck with your ew baby girl.

Answer 6

That is too sad. I'm sorry you had auch a terrible upbringing. Just always be sure to tell your daughter how much you love her. But, I do not believe there is a cycle of bad relationships. Be the best mother you can be, remember what you didn't like about your upbringing and most of all don't be paranoid about losing your relationship with your daughter.

Answer 7

Break the cycle. Your relationship with your daughter is totally up to you. What you need to do is quit hurting over your relationship with your mom. Stop the guilt. You and your mom's relationship was up to her. Doesn't sound like she was a very good mom, even when you were a kid. Look to the future with your child. And if mom has a negative influence in your life after the baby. Cut her loose

Answer 8

You seem to be a very level-headed woman. You have plenty of time ot prepare for the birth of your child and how your relationship with her will develop and grow. We can learn from other people's mistakes, like your mom's. Maybe you can think of your mom as just another person not related to you. Be objective about her situation and don't put any emotional ties to it. Who knows why your mom did what she did. Maybe she was insecure, depressed and unhappy. That doesn't mean that you have to be that way. Your confidence in yourself as a soon-to-be mother will distance you from who your mother was and what she did to hurt her family. I wish you a wonderful life with your new-born. things are going to be just fine.

Answer 9

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!! AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEHAVE LIKE YOUR MOTHER!!! HAVING A BABY IS A BLESSING, YOU WILL MAKE A WONDERFUL MOM, TURN ALL OF THE NEGATIVE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU INTO A POSITIVE LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER, IT CAN BE DONE. RAISED UP IN A SIMILAR SITUATION MYSELF, I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO IS 26 AND A SON WHO IS 24 BOTH ARE MARRIED, AND WHEN I WAS RAISING THEM I VOWED NEVER TO TREAT MY BABIES THE WAY I WAS TREATED AND I DIDN'T, WE DID EVERYTHING TO GETHER, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ALL GROWN MARRIED AND LIVE OUT OF STATE WE TALK EVERY OTHER DAY, YOU ARE NOT CURSED AND NEITHER WILL YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAUGHTER BE CURSED, WHEN YOU LOOK AT HER FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO PROTECT HER AND LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS BABY, YOU WILL MAKE AN AWESOME MOM, ENJOY BEING A MOM, ITS THE BEST JOB I HAVE EVER HELD IN MY LIFE :)

Answer 10

If anything because of what you have been through, you will strive to be a Better Mother. Do not let Fear control you, learn from it and Be strong. Forgive your Mom, I am sure shes very lonely, but keep her at Arms length.. Until she solves her own problems, you do not need her dragging you into them. I bet you will make a Great Mom..