I have two sons should I hold them to the same standards?

Question

My ex and I disagree she feels we should expect the same from the boys but my youngest(8yrs.) is hyperactive and my oldest(10yrs.) seems born to please. My position is that it is unrealistic to hold them to the same standards of behavior, because they are fundamentaly different people. Her position is that it shows favoritism to turn an occasional blind eye to the younger when he does something wrong. (the oldest nearly ever needs to be reprimanded)

Answer 1

I have 5 boys and everyone knows each kid is different. I have one that has to be scolded every min (seems like it) and I have another on (his twin brother) who you can leave along and you will forget he is in the house. I think your standards should be about the same but as treating each kid the same..there is no way!! You have to keep the same rules in the house and everyone has to go by them but you CAN NOT treat each kid the same. Your fighting a loosing battle if you try. Sometimes you have to be more firm with one and the other may never need talking to. In my opinion you keep the same set of rules for everyone in the house and the punishment the same but treat each kid as a different person. Just look at it this way...are you and I the same? can we do the same things and act the same way? would we respond to the same stimuli...I think not! Why do you think kids can?? Good luck

Answer 2

You are right in that you can't expect two different children to act the same. But your wife has a point too. It is one thing to be understanding if the younger child doesn't have as good of grades or gets in trouble for talking too much at school etc. But if one child acts up in the supermarket and gets in trouble for it it isn't fair if the other child does the same thing and doesn't get in trouble. In the end that will lead to resentment from the older child. What is his motivation to behave if his brother isn't expected to? Besides I personally think it is even more important not to turn a blind eye to the misbehaving child if he is hyperactive. He needs more structure and discipline than the older child.

Answer 3

You are right. They are bith different personalities. You should not treat them the same. However you should not let one "get away" with something that the other would not. Think of it this way if you were not a morning person and were late to work but someone else was always on time exept for the occasional traffic snarl. Would you expect your boss to not repremand you just because you are not a morning person but the other person since they are usualy on time they get yelled at. The same thing goes for your kids. The way that you repremand them can differ from one to the other but they will resent the fact that you let one child do something the other could not.

Answer 4

No, both boys are individuals and should be treated as such. They have seperate personallites and while they should be disciplined in the same manner they should not be treated the same. Besides one is older and should have more responsiblity than the eight year old. However it is not correct to turn a blind eye when the youngest does something wrong. Just because he is "hype" doesn't mean he doesn't require to be disciplined when he errs.

Answer 5

I have 4 boys aged down from 12 to age 4. All are individuals.
Normally you have a set general behaviour pattern for the house hold.
However, each child in the house hold is a individual and should be treated as such. You cannot have the same discipline for a 8 yr old as you do a 10 yr old. With one child having ADHD. it is not at all possible to treat them alike.

Answer 6

I disagree with you. You should hold them to the same standards. If you let the hyperactive son do alot of stuff that the 10 year old cant the 10 year could grow up hating you,and or be suicidal or develop chronic to sever depression.

Answer 7

They're different people and should be treated accordingly, but the rules should be the same and age-appropriate. Once the rules (and consequences) are set, they should ALWAYS be followed. Turning a blind eye to the younger kid once in a while just teaches him that he can get away with it sometimes. He's obviously more risk-prone and will think that the possiblity of getting away with "it" outweighs the risk of punishment no matter how infrequently you turn a blind eye.

Answer 8

remember two years different for boys is a huge difference when the still that young, even harder when the 8yr old that has hyperactive, i have the same problem but mine is the opposite i have a 9 yr old with ADHD and the 5 yrs is the one born to please, it is very difficult I talked with a few doctor and they told me not to compare to kids, and a child with any type of hyperactive has it already twice as hard.

Answer 9

A lot of interesting answers here.

Everyone should be held to the same standards, but how you interact with each of them to make that happen will be different.
If you have to exert more effort with the one to keep those standards, do it. Rules of the house need to be consistant between all (that includes mom and dad too)

Answer 10

I agree each of your sons is a unique individual with different strengths and challenges, so your parenting needs to be a little different - but only in the approach and technique. In other words, both boys should be taught to be ethical, responsible, caring human beings, but the way you teach might have to be different.

Otherwise, the "blind eye" approach to the younger son is sure to backfire, not only with him thinking that rules don't apply to him, but also may make the older one feel that his brother is getting away with murder, so why should he continue to make it easy on you?