Should parents insist on reading 17 year old daughter's myspace dialog?

Question

My 17 year old likes to communicate via myspace. Whenever I go near her work area she will close the dialog. I told her I do not need to see it but to make sure she is not using objectional language and to use caution. Recently a relative showed me a dialog my daughter had sent to a friend and it contained expletives that I believe were for shock value or showing off, the subject matter was fine but flavored with one particularly offensive expletive. I told her I saw it and explained how now it was permanently recorded for anyone in the world to view. She keeps her stuff set to private, but who she sent the message to did not.

She has lost her home computer privileges temporarily because of her use of ugly language, but at 17 should we be reading her internet writings before she sends them? I really think not. I think reading her dialog would not be an effective tool. What do you think? Any suggestions for better parenting welcome.

Answer 1

Why did you read her internet dialog and punish her for it if you think you shouldn't be doing so?
In theory, it sounds like a good idea, but 17-year-olds are sneaky. (I know this because I was 17 once and I spent a good amount of my time and energy figuring out how to get away with stuff my mother told me not to do.) If she knows you are reading her stuff before she sends it, she'll just figure a way to show you one version, then send what she wants. What might be better is to let her know of instances where people were later embarrassed by something they put online for only one person to see, but others came to see it. For example, people who have lost their jobs because of what they sent in "private" e-mails from company computers, or photos that were published on the Internet after being sent to one person.

Answer 2

This is completely normal behaviour for a 17 year old. She is becoming a woman and taking away privileges will make her feel that you treat her as a child. She must go through these natural stages of development and experiment with language, identities, clothing, attitudes and friends to socialise and eventually fit in as an adult, into our complex social world. Obviously explain to her how her language is offensive to you and may be to other people, and express your disappointment that she chooses to use such language. However do not seek to supress what is natural as it may lead to resentment, and possibly reinforce the negative behaviour itself. Myspace is her private world where she communicates with her friends - this is only dangerous if she is putting up inappropriate images or intending to meet people she doesn't know, and your question does not suggest this.
She will not want you to know what she really talks about with her friends. Be supportive and understanding, and lay clear boundaries which still allow her to be an agent in her own life, without treating her like a child.

Answer 3

NO! Your daughter is 17 not a child she is a young woman and deserves privacy and respect she will also be 18 very soon. It is time to back off or she will back you off in a few months when she is 18. She will not only become more secretive but knowing time is on her side and the fact she can easily use a friends or library computer continue doing as she wishes. Now at her age is not the time for this.

Answer 4

OK: so the subject matter was fine but she used a naughty word?!?

I think you need to pick your battles. As long as she doesn't swear around people who WILL be offended, there shouldn't be a big deal here. Now I'm older I CHOOSE to be less of a potty mouth, as I'm sure your daughter will too, but there are still people or situations where I like to get a little sailor-ish!

Swearing is a really weird area - if you think about it, who decides that certain words are unacceptable? It is so silly. I hate when people say, "Oh shhhhhh....ugar", they were GOING to say "sh*t", everyone knows it, but suddenly they didn't, they said sugar instead and that is fine?! In my opinion the swearing is in the intention, not the sound. I just moved from the UK to Holland, and here sh*t is not as "bad" a word as in Britain - people say it around their kids, and little kids say it without anyone blinking an eye. I will admit it makes me wince, but it is all perception! And there are many words that are offensive in the UK and not so in the US, and vice versa probably.

The best approach in my opinion is not to make a big deal about it. My husband remembers that his mum simply once said that some people find certain words embarassing or offensive, and it can be different words for different people so it's really better not to use them so as to avoid upsetting sensitive people. That was all she ever said to him about it, and my husband is pretty clean-mouthed and always has been!

I'm glad you don't think it's a good idea to police your daughter's myspace. Mainly because I don't think it will do a thing to change her behaviour, and also will make her resent you. In my experience, the "coolest" (and most effective) mums were the ones who were aware of most of what their kids were up to, but took a back seat and let them get on with it unless there was any actual harm being done. Their kids were also the ones who were most respectful of their parents wishes, as well. Rebellion is NOT pretty!

Answer 5

When I was 17, I used the internet a lot to talk to friends that I met in chat programs. We talked about the strangest most outlandish disgusting gross things and used every foul word imaginable. We mostly made crude "shock-value" jokes involving adult situations. I was never sexually active around that time though. And even now, almost 8 years later, I still talk to a number of my friends that I had met online years ago. They're kind of like a second family to me and I feel that these are some of the people that know me the best, and are very dear to my heart although I have never met any of them in real life.
Truthfully, if my parents were to have read my conversations with my online friends back then, they would probably think I was sick, twisted, and probably very sexually active, etc etc. But all I was doing was making jokes, I never actually attempted anything I had talked about. My parents might have seen it another way though.

But with your daughter at the tender age of 17, do you still want to constrain her from saying what she wants to her friends? Was the friend offended?
Or was it just you?

Your daughter is 17 years old. In less than a year she's going to be 18 and legally can do whatever she wants to. I understand you want to make sure she gets a good head start into the world, but what measures are you going to take? Do you really want to drive her away right now by enforcing language rules to her own friends? And punishing her by banishing her from the internet?

I really don't think you should be reading what she's saying to her friends online. I know I used to confide in my online friends about many private issues that I wouldn't have wanted MY parents to see. Its kind of like reading her diary. A myspace page is like an online journal, and unless you suspect she's having sex or doing drugs or whatever, I don't think you have a right to look at her private conversations. She *is* almost an adult, you know.
And what if you read something that you regret knowing later? I'm sure you don't want to read the details of what her and some boy did after school. Reading your daughter's private thoughts may take away your perception of innocence you have for her. As they say, "Ignorance is BLISS!"

I think maybe if she was younger, like 15, you would have every right to look at her myspace and read her messages. But your daughter is almost a legal adult, so you should start trying to treat her that way.
Just be glad that your daughter wasn't as filthy minded as I was when I was 17 years old.

Just educate your daughter about internet stuff.. like not to give out her full name or phone number or address. And warn her about internet predators and stuff like that, Im sure your daughter will be just fine without all of your fussing over her using a few swear words.

Answer 6

This is late, but don't listen to any of these idiots. Parents have every right to monitor their children until they are of legal age. As long as She lives in Your house it's Your rules, She shouldn't be cursing at any age to be honest, but unfortunately teens do so for whatever reason.

Answer 7

as the parent of a 17 and 19 year old I took a lot of interest in what my kids were doing on the net before...when they were younger...but now I let them have more space. however, i keep the one computer with the net on it in the living room so that everyone can see what everyone is doing. this limits really any naughty activity anyone might be inclined to do(Ihope). also, since Im in the room usually when chatting etc is going on...my kids are comfortable with me being there and they often share what they are talking about etc. now thats not to say my kids are angels and never do or say anything they shouldnt on the net as Im realistic and know thats not likely....but I also know that since they are adults(or nearly) that I cant control everything they say or do....so what I do do is try to 'pick my battles" and just point out things that I find truly objectionable or just not very proper behavoir.

I do not read things that Im not invited to read because I want my kids to trust me enough to show me on their own. whether they are "into" something or using language I dont like is possible...but I hope by keeping the communication level between the 3 of us open and trusting that the need for me to worry in that way is minimized.

if you find her use of bad language objectionable then of course let her know that(she knows for sure all ready)...but as for reading her private material then I would suggest just a sit down talk about what sort of things you agree with or disagree with in using the net and then come to some type of agreement about it. You need to trust each other so that when something really big comes up she knows she can come to you with the problem and not worry that you will focus more on the "small things" rather than the big issue. hope that helps and good luck.

Answer 8

17.. I think you are a bit late to be getting into her personal stuff now.. She is going to use bad language anyway, I don't know any 17 year old who doesn't. Just keep an eye on her without putting too much pressure on her. Just make sure she is safe and isn't meeting these people in person. Also. express how important it is for her to stay safe online, by not posting any PERSONAL Information. Such as Phone number, full name, address, school.. Because for some people, is it easy as pie to stalk her.

Answer 9

it's important to pay attention to what your daughter is doing, however you are open in communications and what not with your daughter, as she is 17 and not 13, 14, or even 15
then you should not be worried about what she is doing. It is normal for kids to swear and say things to eachother. Remember that you were young once and how much you liked your parents getting into your personal buisness? Yes, they wouldn't like it either. And if you are too strict about it, then your daughter is just going to rebel more and it will only make things worse.

Ask yourself this
as a parent, do you trust your daughter? do you trust yourself?

As long as you are active and open with her, you shouldn't be so worried. Release the reins a little bit. Swearing and explicatives are going to happen regardless. If you respect her privacy and show her that you trust her, she will likely be more open to sharing with you anyway.

Answer 10

I'm afraid I cannot offer a solution but I think you are right just to keep an eye on it. I feel the problem is that the dialog may not just end up with friends. Don't feel bad for breathing down her neck - she'll thank you for it when she's older. But hey at 17 we know everything and we were invincible!