mature answers only how do i get my wife and ex wife to tolerate each other?

Question

i have joint custody with my ex and live a few miles from her and my son.because of this i have almost daily contact with my ex(text msg/email/phone) regarding my son.The problem is my ex hates my new wife(jealous) and goes out of her way to torment her and makes her feel unwelcome around our son.This pisses off my wife and she will "feed the fire" so to say meaning she will do things that she knows will piss my ex off and i'm cought in the middle.Some will say i need to stand up for my new wife but i need to think of my young son too.Yes my exwife is to blame for this(mostly) but i'm taking the high road for my son by staying out of it.Is this the best way to handle this?

Answer 1

You need to set some boundaries. If the two of them are arguing and "feeding the fire" that is your fault and you need to step up. You should be the only one having interaction with your ex-wife regarding your child. It's not your current spouses child or business. If you can't step up and turn the situation around then there are mediation groups that will arrange the communication between you and your ex regarding you son. They will even provide a place to drop off the kid so you two never have to see each other. You all need to be more mature about this for the sake of the kid.

Answer 2

Your taking the "high road" is not helping. You are basically trying to stay out of a situation you caused. I think there is also some lingering desire for you to "hold on" to the ex, which is why you want them to tolerate each other so you can have both of them around. It ain't going to happen so you need to deal with it on that basis. You need to get active in fixing this mess.

First, keep them apart. There is absolutely no reason they need to see each other. If they do not come in contact with each other, they can not say or do anything to get the other one mad.

Second, do not talk about your new wife to the ex nor about the ex to your new wife. Tell each of them the subject of the other is not a subject you shall discuss. Tell your son he should do this also so he does not carry tales back and forth. (fighting by proxy.)

Third, even with joint custody, it is not necessary to communicate with the ex every single day. (Emergencies excluded.) You each are adults and should be able to make decisions regarding parenting without having to check in with the other. When you pass the kid, you can communicate on the important issues.

Your ex and possibly you, are unwilling to let go and all those calls and messages are just ways to "hold on." If you do not break that, the calls and message will follow you on vacation! If you think your wife is mad now, wait until you go on vacation and your ex is calling every day!

You divorced your ex so let her go. If you don't you could lose your new wife also!

Answer 3

I really don't think there is a way for the two of them to learn to tolerate one another..did you leave your ex for your new wife? If this is the case, your ex is probably a very bitter resentful woman, and will carry that with her for a long time. You said you have daily contact with your ex, that has really got to be put to an end...there is really no reason you should email her, text her or speak to her, you have a new life, and as long as you are dealing with her one on one, you might be giving her the false hope that you two may be together again. Speak to your son on a day to day if that is possible, but drop the daily chit chat with the ex, might be a start to a little more peace.

Answer 4

Your wife and your ex really have no need to communicate with each other. Any communication regarding your son should be between you and your ex and that's the only thing you and your ex should be talking about. Maybe if you defended your wife she wouldn't feel the need to defend herself. Taking the high road is taking the cowardly way out. Is that what you want to teach your son?

Answer 5

You need to sit down with each woman and explain that they are going to be in your son's life for a very long time. Your son is going to have many birthdays, a graduation or two, weddings, eventual birth of your grandchildren etc... that they are going to both be attending. They don't have to love each other, but they should be respectful/tolerant of each other for the sake of the child. While these two women think that they are hurting and getting back at each other - but the person they are hurting most is your son. Stand up for your son and lay down the law with these two women before they hurt your son anymore. Be the father he needs because his mother and step-mother aren't acting like good parents.

Answer 6

While you need to approach this with equanimity and be polite, it is really important that you support your new wife. If your ex-wife - the woman who is only in her life because of your past - is attacking her, then you need to make sure the ex-wife does not alienate your wife from you and undermine your current marriage. If you don't support her when this woman persecutes her, she could end up feeling that she doesn't need this in her life. If the woman is on her case, it is hard to blame her for responding; she's only human.

You might suggest to your ex that she be polite to your new wife in the interest of your boy's not growing up in a battle zone. This said, if you left your ex-wife for the current one you may stand very little chance of mending fences with your son's mother, and in this case, you couldn't very well blame her for being angry. You could try to minimize her communication with the ex and take care of calls yourself. This said, don't leave the current wife out of the loop. Although the ex is the child's mother, the current wife is, by her situation, directly involved in his life via yours and therefore it's her business. After all this child affects her intimate relationship, her time, her space and her finances.

Try to be as respectful, polite and fair as possible with both women. You're walking a tightrope! Remember that civility stops us all from killing each other! Best of luck.

Answer 7

I agree with diana f here, being a mother and an ex-wife.

I have the opposite problem - my kids' dad is remarried, and his new wife wants to run everything regarding child support and visitation. My ex husband didn't want any responsibility in planning or budgeting, and he was content to let her be in charge. She became abusive to me on quite a few occasions, and my kids ended up suffering.

I've found that when you argue with someone, it only empowers them. What I did was allow the court to set child support, and refused to talk the newbie wife on any level. It's true - your new wife is not responsible for decisions regarding your child, nor should she be subjected to the abuse of your ex. Deal with your ex on a one-on-one basis only, and allow your poor new missus a break before the blood pressure meds break your bank.

Do try to keep in mind that your son is watching. While I'm not overly old fashioned, it doesn't seem healthy for a child to see his mother ruling his father's new life... without her.

Answer 8

No. The most important thing is your son, do both of these women realize that? Make sure that you sit down with each of them and discuss this fact. You can't stay out of this because you are the common denominator here. The way it works with my fiance and his ex whom he has a son with, is that we have no contact. Even if I am there when she comes to pick him up, he just does not allow her into the house. There is no reason for these two women to have a relationship, but they do have to co exist. Talk to both of them about it and tell them how silly they are being and how difficult they are making things. There is no excuse for two grown women to be bickering back and forth especially when there is a child involved.

Answer 9

You can't stay out of it completely. Ignoring it isn't setting a good example for your son either. If you want to set a good example for your son, you've got to demonstrate equal respect toward both women, but you also have to mediate and let them know that all the ugly behavior is unacceptable, especially when there's a child involved.

They have to find some middle ground and arrive at some compromises that will enable all of you to co-exist and still create a healthy, stable environment for your son. Try to facilitate that, and you'll be setting a good example for your son.

Answer 10

I hate it when people tell me "talk to them," but you may have to.

Make sure that your new wife knows that you love and support her. Tell her that you need her support too. Let her know that you are aware that your ex is being a witch but that you NEED to stay on fairly good terms with her for your son's sake.

Let your ex - wife know you will not tolerate her antagonizing your wife. Tell her to think of your child together.

This is really tough. I hope your wife knew what she was getting into. When we get to a certain age, we all have baggage and history that we bring to new relationships. It ain't easy is it?