Too embaressed to go to my own parents & friends with this......could any parents here offer any advice?

Question

I wanted to post this question here because I want parental advice. I can't confide in my own parents because they'd be upset&i'm too embaressed anyway...plus my family LOVES my bf& I don't want them to resent him. It would cause tension. The problem is my bf.

I'll admit that my boyfriend isn't perfect. When he gets angry at me he is insulting, he says the meanest things to make me cry (weight and looks), he deliberately ignores my attempts to contact him...sometimes he does this for a few days, sometimes a week,& he will give me the silent treatment, which anyone that has ever been there knows, is not fun at all. However, he has never laid one finger on me in anger, and he is not always this way, it only happens when we have periods of stress&conflict. What can I do to help him stop this behavior toward me&deal with stress better? I don't think it is right to leave someone just because they have character flaws. Plus we love each other a lot and he ALWAYS apologizes. Help?

Please don't think he is a jerk because he is not. He isn't like this all of the time...and plus I am not perfect either.

Answer 1

Honey, if you were my daughter I would explain to you that there are different types of abuse, and what you are describing is emotional abuse. While I applaud your dedication to this person, and appreciate your feelings for him, as a mature young lady you really have to take a step back and look at this from another point of view.

If your best friend described her bf as speaking this way, would you tell her to stick with him? Or would you notice that his words are manipulative, and designed to hurt her? That's abusive. He doesn't have to be that way "all the time". Any time it's done, it's abusive.

You are articulate, and clearly intelligent, as you recognize this problem and are seeking outside opinions. My advice is that you break away from this guy. Maybe it will force him to realize how he acted, and change. Maybe it won't. But don't allow yourself to be a victim to his temper anymore. Some character flaws are NOT ignorable.

There are far too many fish in the sea, sweety. And you will find that the right one will lift you up and make you feel like the most beautiful, special woman in the world - not break you down. Even in times of conflict and stress.

If I can help at all, email me. Peace & Love, Biz.

Answer 2

Someone once told me you cannot buy a volkswagon and beat it into a cadillac. Meaning: you cannot change a person and shouldn't expect to.
Given what you have written, I worry about you a great deal. I'm glad you see that this behavior is a problem. Your bf, although I'm sure very nice at times, has a control issue. Some guys feel a need to be in control of things. Character flaws are one thing, but when they affect others in a negative way then it becomes a problem. Just from what I've read, you seem articulate, caring and sweet. Do you deserve to be treated that way just because the bf doesn't know a healthier way to vent his anger? NO ONE has the right to treat you that way. Abusers usually do apologize (and usually mean it at the time) but that doesn't take away what they did. PLEASE either talk to your parents or a counselor or someone who can help you deal with this. Even if this never turns physical (although statistics show that verbal abuse and trying to control someone most often leads to physical abuse) verbal abuse is just as bad. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

Answer 3

You did not state how long you two have been together. My guess is not super long. But long enough for this 'character flaw' as you called it to come out. He has gotten comfortable enough to start mistreating you. Which tends to get worse not better. It is not something you can change in him. There is an old saying before you are married keep your eyes WIDE open and after look through rose tinted glasses. No, not everyone is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But there should always be kindness in a relationship. Just because he is mad or stressed or even if you have done something to irritate him, whatever, does not give someone the freedom to lash out on you. The saying sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me is a farce. Words hurt. And if we love someone we should not resort to name calling, insults and mean things bringing our loved one to tears. That is not okay. It sounds manipulative, hurtful and controlling. Will it get better? not without God's deliverance. Will it get worse? Possibly and likely. Silent treatment? -- Do you really want these things in a relationship? Everyone has character flaws, yes - but this is mean and usually only gets worse. - If you are asking for help, my guess would be you sense this is not right. And if you are having to hide it from family it is not right. A long time ago someone suggested that when trying to select a husband to take them in various situations, stressful, fun, hard, family, friends. This would help bring out their true nature and make you ask yourself if this was the person you wanted to be with. So now it is time to ask yourself, is this someone you want to be with? To spend the rest of your life with? If he is, then perhaps you should seek couples counseling with a respected counselor and see if you can work through these issues.

Answer 4

Sweetie, you're boyfriend is being very controlling. If he's saying things to hurt you, how could he really love you? You do not hurt the people you love, at least not on purpose. He shouldn't be doing things that he has to keep apologizing for. That is not love. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to hear.

I would have him go through anger management and then maybe you two should do some counseling together if you really want to stay with him. Nothing you do or say will fix him. And you don't have to deal with stress better, just realize that you don't deserve to be treated that way.

I was in a relationship like that. He would deliberetly say the things that would hurt me the most and then give me the cold shoulder. I always felt like I must not know how to handle him and I shouldn't feel so bad. He's apologize and we'd go back to before.

Eventually, I realized that he was abusing me emotionally and I did not deserve that. I told him to stop, once. Then I broke up with him. A couple months later I got together with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess and respects me. We'll have been married for 10 years this October.

If he won't go to couseling with you, go alone. You could use someone who will listen to you. Also, give your parents more credit; they only want the best for you. And I think you know something is wrong because you are embarrassed to go to them. If you listen to the small voice in the back of your head, you'll know what's right. It's hard not to listen to your heart, but your head is much smarter.

God Bless.

Answer 5

Your bf is emotionally and verbally abusing you. It WILL escalate. You will stop reacting to his verbal abuse and he will need to physically hurt you to get the desired response.

He will appologize every time. Why? Because that works. Arguments are a fact of life in relationships. But there is no reason or excuse for consistant derogatory statements that obviously inflict pain. This is his way to control you and keep his "possession."

he is also successfully seperating you from your friends and family, after all you are his possession.

Your bf is abusive and he is using you. He will not stop. Yes, it is completely rational to leave someone because they have a character flaw.

Now if he always left the toilet seat up or ate your french fries at Burger King that is one thing. Being an abuser is another. Being amoral is a character flaw, would you leave somone who tortured little animals.

If you stay he will eventually hurt you physically. The longer you stay the more dependent you become on his emotional control. You will eventually lose your life both figuratively and actually.

Leave him now. At the very least give him a "one more time and I'm gone" ultimatum, and mean it.

Be very careful when you leave him, there is a high probability he will become a stalker. This is very dangerous. You will need to get your family involved.

Your family doesn't like him? Have you ever considered that there might be a reason?

Get out now!

Answer 6

First, a boyfriend that truly loves you does not make fun of your or disrespect you.

If you don't feel that it's right to leave someone because of a character flaw, then you're missing the entire purpose of dating. You see what you like and don't like in a person and make your decisions based on what character flaws you are willing to tolerate and which ones you are not. If you are not willing to tolerate a character flaw, then you leave.

You cannot change who a person is. If they're disrespectful, then they'll always be disrespectful.

Also, this is how abusive relationships begin. My now ex-husband never laid a hand on me for two full years. It started with insults here and there about my acne, my hair, my weight, my clothes, where I went to school, who my friends were. It escalated to shouting angry and hurtful things to me. Then it grew to grabbing me really hard. Then the grabbing started to leave bruises. Shoving followed a few months later, then hitting a few months after that. Eventually he nearly killed me.

It all started with disrespecting me......he says he still loves me, but love doesn't hurt...mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually. Apologies mean nothing when the hurt continues. He's told me he's sorry, cried, bought me flowers, candy, taken me out to special places....but then eventually the "honeymoon phase" was over and then it was right back to the same behaviors...and sometimes they got worse.

Please, please, please find someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated and that loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

Answer 7

He's got you so wrapped around his finger you dont even realize it. The reason he continues to be this way to you b/c he knows that each time he does he succeeds in bringing you down. The reason your parents and others do not like him is b/c they see what you have choosen not too. This is not love at all. This about him controlling you and you letting him. Everyone has problems in life some worse than others. There is no excuse for what he is doing. He knows that you could get someone that will treat you better. So he slowly tries to beat down your confidence. He knows that what he is doing is wrong and another girl would not put up w/ it. When someone loves you they do not make fun of you, put you down, ignore you. It seems that you love him more than he loves you. You are simply a warm body to use whenever he needs. He expects you to be at his beck and call. This is not a good relationship. You are wasting your time and energy on someone who only plans are to continue to use you. Move on. This is going to be hard at first, but then you'll come to see that your heart is no longer heavy and you have once again returned to yourself

Answer 8

i am not sure what kind of upbringing you had but it is never okay for someone to treat you with such disrespect and cruelty. Does he do this in front of your kids? i know that you say he does not ever hit you but believe me from past experience, it is coming. It starts out small and just words but over time they cannot control that anger and it will start small with a slap or a push and when you don't do anything about that, and you wont because you love him, it will progressively get worse. My suggestion is that you get out now while you can and cut your losses.

You say that you don't think it is right to leave someone because of a character flaw but honey that is not just a character flaw. he has some major anger issue's and you are not the one to help him sort them out. The only thing that you could do if you wanted to stay with him is to ask him to get some counseling and most importantly, GET INVOLVED IN A CHURCH. that will be your saving grace every time!

By the way, you say that he always apologizes, remember this, the devil himself would apologize if he was afraid of loosing.

Answer 9

I'm really sorry you're being hurt by this guy. You say he's not a jerk... I'm sure that there ARE some good moments at times... but still, nonetheless, he is putting you down too much, and that is not acceptable.

This is not a healthy relationship. You need someone who cherishes you, not someone who is mean to you. What he is doing is abuse... and sadly, mild abuse like this is prone to become SERIOUS abuse in the future.

You are dealing with a serious issue here. Get out of the relationship NOW before it turns into something even more serious. This is not a character flaw, honey.

You say he loves you. No, I'm sorry... if he loved you, truly, he would not fathom treating you in this manner.

Answer 10

If youre worried about your parents resenting him I think subconciously you know the relationship isn't any good. While he has YET to lie a finger on you all signs point to abuse. Abuse my dear does not have to be physical! He is abusing you and the sooner you realize it the better. here's how abuse starts. its infrequent and begins with calling you a name or assassinating your character or your self confidence. It grows more frequent and becomes a daily thing that youre told youre not good enough and no one else will ever/could ever love you. for awhile you shrug it off but long enough and you start to wonder. Then you feed into what youre being told and believe that you are dependent on him. You wonder WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM he is my life. I will die without him. Once you are "dependent" on him the physical violence will begin because he knows youre not going anywhere. Hes made sure of that. You believe he loves you but how could he love you when he doesnt love himself. No man that has self respect and self acceptance treats a woman in this manner. I understand trying to stick it out and help but he has to want to do it! If he doesnt it will get worse before it gets better and if you force it on him the abuse process will only speed up. Self preservation is the most important component! An abusive relationship will change you FOREVER! so you need to decide if youre willing to risk your life (yes you could die) to stay in this relationship! i wish you luck