I am a very sad mom my daughter wants me to pay for her wedding, she is 24 and has been living with the guy for 4 years and they already have 3 children. Her wedding is over 15K which I think is crazy. I volunteered that she use the money for a down payment instead and she said absolutely NO. Now she doesn't speak to me because I will not pay for it. I don't want to lose her or my grandkids. What should I do.
2007-06-27 11:41:19 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
If she is already starting to be out of control about this, I would say put your foot down. If you want to contribute 5k to a wedding, that is fine...however much you choose to give her to help is a gift, not a requirement. There is NO reason you should pay for 15k for a wedding for a couple that has been living on their own, supporting themselves and already have children.
Frankly, in her situation, with 3 kids, she should be having a private, small family/close friends ceremony in front of the JP or an intimate church wedding with small reception. Spending 15k on a wedding after pretty much being married to the guy (in every way but paper) for 4 years with all of those children...that is just tacky.
Times have changed. Parents of the bride no longer pay for everything, especially for children who have been living on their own for a while. Do not allow her guilt you out of a small fortune. She is an adult and should be responsible to take care of her own expenses.
2007-06-27 11:49:59 · answer #1 · answered by Kat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No. Feel free to print this out and show it to your daughter because she needs a reality check.
The time when you (and obstinsibly your husband or partner) would have paid for the wedding would have been before she shacked up with her boyfriend and had three kids. The entire thing about the bride's family paying for the wedding is rooted in the old "dowery" system where you are ensuring that the young couple has what they need to start a new life.
She already has her life and she has made her decisions. Additionally, am I reading correctly that you offered to give her 15k to put a down payment on a home and she said NO? Completley ungrateful. And completely irresponsible.
These days - it is getting less and less common for the bride's family to pay for the wedding expenses. This is because people are not getting married at 17/18/19 any more. They are getting, typically, married in their late twenties or early thirties.
The point being - your daughter, kids and her fiance have already established their life together. There is no impetus on you to pay for an overpriced wedding ESPECIALLY when you are trying to give them money towards bigger and better things.
I strongly suggest your daughter also check out www.theknot.com and carefully read their "wedding etiquette" section. it sounds like she needs it.
2007-06-27 11:51:30 · answer #2 · answered by mantoothnation 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
What was she doing in those four years of living together? Has she ever heard of a savings account? And why would she have three children if she can't even afford to live in a house? I think you need to put your foot down and tell her that since it's you paying from your pocket all the hard earned money YOU have to offer, that you tell them how it will be spent, NO IF, ANDS, OR BUTS about it. If you want to help her, she needs to pay for her wedding and you can use that money to put a down on a home for her. That's it. Do not give in to her selfish ways. If anything, she should be grateful to have a mom like you that is able to hand money over. Is your daughter not thinking of the kids? Weddings do not need to be an extravagant spectacle. God intended weddings to create a union among two people who love each other. Now it seems all they want is to show off. I hope you take my advice. Good luck. :)
2007-06-27 11:51:00 · answer #3 · answered by Devika P 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry for the situation you're in.
It sounds like your daughter is doing a lot of things "backward." Besides the obvious, if she wanted you to pay for the wedding, she really should have discussed that beforehand and if you were agreeable to that, set a budget with you.
To already have a 15K wedding planned and then expect you to pay for it is quite rude... and frankly... delusional.
I can imagine it is very hard to raise 3 children and they probably don't leave your daughter or her fiance much in the way of expendable income. But to EXPECT someone else to pay for her wedding, is just not right and it is not fair. And to have a wedding that is 15K when you have 3 children also doesn't sound very responsible to me. A down payment sounds much more reasonable, since that would benefit her entire family, not just a fantasy for herself.
Sometimes family pressure is very stressful and I am sorry you feel like you may lose your grandchildren if you don't pay for the wedding. What I find really disturbing in your story is your daughter's behavior to being offered a more sensible use of the money and then being told you're not paying for it. If she's not speaking to you because you won't foot her enormous bill, it doesn't sound like she deserves your help, if she won't act reasonably.
If you do still want to help with the wedding, which would because of your good heart and not because of your daughter's demand, I would help with aspects that would benefit either her family as a whole, or her children (their outfits), and not cave to your daughter's sense of entitlement.
In some ways, I'm in your daughter's situation. My fiance and I have been together for a long time (since we were 13) and we've been dating for 17 years. We don't have children (I'm earning my white dress), but we have been living together for several years now - and we don't have a lot of money. We decided to save up for a house first, which we did, and now with the money we managed to save up after that, having our wedding. We completely expected to pay for the wedding ourselves - and I think because our parents have seen how responsible we've been (we don't have cable tv, go out to restaurants or movie, or buy ourselves 'extras' - so we could save up money), they've been helping a lot more than I ever would have imagined. And we are completely appreciative for everything they have done for us.
I really hope things get resolved for you and your daughter. Maybe she has realized that she behaved in a bad way and is embarrassed to make the first move, who knows? Maybe you can try discussing things with her again, after you both cool down a bit. Hopefully, hear each other out. If things go smoothly, and it's something you want to do, you can help her with parts of the wedding you feel comfortable about - maybe just the ceremony and/or her dress and/or the children's clothing. It's usually the reception where the "extravagance" shows up.
If, however, your daughter still expects you to pay for everything and gives you attitude, I wouldn't pay for anything. Why give, when it's not going to be appreciated... and where you're not respected.
I do hope things turn out better than you expect.
2007-06-28 01:56:57 · answer #4 · answered by clawofiron 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stand your ground. She is being a selfish brat for demanding you pay for the wedding in the first place, even more so because she is planning a wedding neither of you can afford and has 3 kids!
I am not knocking people who have kids out of wedlock. That is a personal decision but she has definately moved out of that realm where she should expect her parents to pay for everything. If you are going to knock tradition by having the kids then the wedding why all of a sudden demand tradition when the bills come?
My parents are paying part of my wedding and I think it is an extremely kind gift since there is no way me and my HTB could have a normal wedding on our own for many years. However, I am just graduating college and would never dream of demanding they give me money or stop speaking to them because they decided not to. Marriage is an adult decision so stop being a spoiled brat and act like an adult.
When it comes up just remind her that while you cannot support the wedding financially you happily support it emotionally and will give her help with projects or scouting locations, whatever she needs. In time she will come around.
2007-06-27 12:12:17 · answer #5 · answered by pspoptart 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
My husband and I had bought our house three and a half years before we were married, and our wedding was one month before our daughter turned 3. We had been together just shy of 6 years by the time we said our vows. I was almost 25. My parents had always said that the longer you are together the less help you get with the wedding. They weren't promoting getting married immediately. Just that if you are with someone for any reasonable amount of time, you should have seen the relationship headed somewhere and be able to save some money. So, commitment wise I think your daughter and I were in the same boat. My parents ended up paying for my dress and my daughter's dress. (About $800 for both) and they ended up paying for the dinner, they wanted to pay for the rehearsal dinner but my in-laws wanted that. Dinner was around $2400. They also had to pay for little odds and ends, like my mom's dress, my dad's tux, hotel room.... They chose to even help out my brothers with their tuxes and hotel rooms. All in all they probably spent $4500 or so. And going into the wedding I didn't expect a cent because they always said they wouldn't help us much seeing as we'd been together for so long. If they wouldn't have helped me, I might have been mad at the time, but I would have gotten over it. You have to decide what's best for you. Can you afford it? Are there certain things that you really want to pay for? Like the dress. I let my mom help pick out the dresses seeing as she was paying for them, and it was a lot of fun. I don't suggest it be a financial burden for you, but with any luck, this is the man she is destined to be with, and you only have to go through this once. Good luck!!
2007-06-27 14:15:30 · answer #6 · answered by stacie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing.
If two people are mature enough to marry, then they are mature enough to pay for their own wedding. If parents want to gift them with money to use for the wedding, the couple has the choice of graciously accepting or declining.
But parents should never feel pressured to give. They should only give what they are comfortable giving, what they can afford.
I know I am old-fashioned but I think after living with the guy for 4 years and having three children . . . she should opt for a small, quiet wedding or maybe an elopement. If she has any extra money, she needs to be putting it into college funds for the children.
Good luck to you.
2007-06-27 13:49:59 · answer #7 · answered by Suz123 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit down with her and go over the details of the wedding. I am sure there are areas she can cut the price in, she probably doesn't know it. If she wants certain decorations, see how much can be made and how much need to be bought, etc. That will bring the price down a little bit.
From there, only pay what you can and think is appropriate. You can also offer to pay for certain things (favors, dress, cake, etc) in order to help her out.
Personally, I know my parents want to help out, but I want to pay for as much of it with my fiance as we can. This way it is more "our" wedding than everyone elses. Over 15 K is ridiculous and I would not pay that much, even for my own wedding.
Good luck with your situation....I hope you find an answer....
2007-06-27 13:42:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have no suggestions as to what you can do except give it time.
On the other hand, I had a child before I got married and I sure did not expect my father to pay for my wedding. We used a jp.
I think using the money for a down payment on a house is an excellent idea. But she's young and you know how that is. Sylvia
2007-06-27 11:52:27 · answer #9 · answered by ladyofyorkies 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Even if she were living with you, you don't "have to" pay for anything. It's traditional for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding, but in truth, it's traditional for the parents of the bride to offer her up with a herd of cows as dowry, so what does tradition really mean?
If you have the money, and you WANT to contribute, then contribute. If you don't have the money, and/or don't want to contribute, then this is still your choice.
If my daughter was acting this way, I'd walk right up to her and set her childish self straight. To not speak to you because you have offered her an alternative gift is the behavior of a two-year old...She's clearly not mature enough to be getting married!
FYI, tradition also says that the daughter should be a virgin until she gets married, and live with her parents until she's passed off to her husband...you might remind her of this. It's very common these days for the bride and groom to pay for the wedding themselves...significantly because the bride & groom often live together, as your daughter has been doing, before they wed. If they really want this wedding, they can simply continue living together and saving up their own money until they can afford it.
2007-06-27 11:50:21 · answer #10 · answered by abfabmom1 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋