I'm torn. Can you help me decide?

Question

I am so torn right now. Maybe it's because my 37th b-day is in a few days. I am hoping you all can help me shed a little light on what I should do next.

My hubby and I have been married for 4 years, dating for over 5. He is now 47 and I am about to turn 37. We have a pretty good relationship. I am the primary breadwinner. He has a spinal neck fusion and is on disability. He stays home and cares for the house and our animals. He does an OK job. He's not Suzy Homemaker! LOL But we don't live in filth or anything. He can be cluttered at times.

I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous lesbian relationship (10 years). My "daughter" is not mine biologically or legally, but her mother and I share "custody" and maintain a good relationship. So my daughter is with us quite frequently. She is technically an only child. Her biological mother cannot have any more children and doesn't want any. She can't wait til our daughter is 18 and on her own!!! Seriously!

My hubby has two grown girls, 21 and 24. The 24 year old is pregnant. But we don't have a lot of contact with her. She and her father have trouble getting along. He and their mother had a really nasty divorce when the girls were young. We get along with both girls and I have forged a new relationship between my hubby and his ex - so now they tolerate each other and speak about matters pertaining to the girls.

I work full-time and we have a home that we own. It's not a huge home and it's from the 1960s, but it's ours. It has a nice backyard and is in a nice neighborhood in the 'burbs. I make a pretty good salary. I have a BA but my husband only has a GED and some college work. He's really intelligent, but he doesn't do well in organized face-to-face classes.

My hubby is great with my daughter and I have been successful at having a good relationship with his daughters. But we do not have a large extended family or a large support network of friends to help us out.

Still writing - sorry! Be patient. :)

So, I really have been wanting a baby these past few years, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I don't want to spend money on expensive fertility treatments.

I have always wanted to adopt a baby and I'd like a multi- or bi-racial child under the age of 18 months.

What are my chances of being approved for adoption through the state (I live in KY)? And do you think I SHOULD adopt at this age, or just go on with my life as it is?

CLARIFICATION: I am bisexual (meaning I can have relationships with either men or women not that I am promiscuous). I had a lesbian relationship when I was younger. My partner had a daughter. I was with my partner until I caught her cheating on me (after 10 years of being together). My "daughter" already knew me as one of her parents by then, so I committed to continuing that relationship (with my daughter). After my breakup, I met a man that I ended up marrying. He's very sweet and we've been together over 5 years now. I am faithful to each of my partners whether they are male or female. Only 1 at a time for me! :)

Answer 1

If you *really* want a child and feel passionate about adoption (and the hubby is going to be happy with the new status as father of a very young child), go for it. But there's a lot going on here...
1. How will your daughter take it?
2. How will your hubby's daughters take it?
3. Even when you change partners, will you continue to love the child?
4. Will your hubby be able to handle a "rug rat"?? You have raised a child already - you know just how active they can be. Will your hubby be able to keep up with the child?

Frankly, your bisexuality should not matter and your age certainly is fine. As for chances, it depends on the caseworker/agency you work with. They have the power to accept/deny you as an adoptive parent. No one can make your mind up for you in this type of highly personal matter. Ask yourself if you are really desperately wishing to be a mother and if your hubby is wishing to be a father... remember, he is part of the game too and since he is stays at home, he will likely end up caring for the child, so you will definitely need his agreement.

Answer 2

i'm not sure exactly what your question is but, it seems to me that an adoption agency would have no trouble approving of your home and your family as a place for a baby. No one has to be suzy homemaker or have the perfect life to be parents. I think you said you live in Kentucky (or did I make that up?) and I have no idea what the state says about gay relationships (other than what I assume from the negative stereotype) but, it sounds like this daughter is not legally your daughter and that is what their only interest should be. from what i know, the fact that you have a 12 yr old girl living in your house that you are taking care of (not not taking care of!)should only count in your favor. it does take a long time to adopt a baby in this country and it does cost a lot of money. if you are willing to take a biracial baby or a baby with special needs, the waiting time decreases significantly and the cost may too. If you are really asking whether we on the internet think you are in a postion to be able to parent a child -- that is really up to you to think about and decide. you are within the age range that adoption agencies approve of and it sounds like your lifestyle and stable family situation should pass easily. don't be afraid -- they just want to make sure the life they are setting up for the baby will be healthy -- not perfect.

Answer 3

I can understand your biological clock ticking away if you have never had a child of your own, but adoption will not stop the clock or turn it off.

I think at yours and your partners age, you better have a real long discussion on this, and make sure that is really, really what you want to do.

Far be it for me to tell you it is a big mistake

And why doesn't Hubby go get a job, a fused neck is not that big a barrier to working, in fact it doesn't affect most office jobs.

Answer 4

For a short answer: If you want a child and you & your husband agree that you both can commit to the huge, forever changes that that will bring, then of course you should pursue adoption. Having a child from this relationship is wonderful, joyous, frustrating, and totally worth the effort!

Having said that, while you are exploring adoption, I really wouldn't mention you're being bisexual. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that. I'm saying it doesn't matter when it comes to being a good parent. Obviously, you care deeply for your daughter from a previous relationship, and that will be good evidence of your ability to parent. Other factors -- your husband's age and disability, may factor into a decision on your abilities to adopt because agencies want adoptive parents who can handle the long-term commitment adoption takes. You want to present as much evidence as you can of how ready, willing, and able you are to parent, and not introduce extra information that may bias someone against you, but has no bearing of your ability to parent.

Answer 5

Basically being open to "any" type of child automatically ups your chances of getting a child sooner than later.

The more things you are not open to, the long it may take. It's not a bad thing to not be open to things. You feel you would be a great mom to a multi racial child, that means you probably understand some of the challenges associated with that child and can guide them accordingly. But say you weren't open to a child that may have a physical disability, it could take longer to adopt.

Had some friends years ago, they were Swedish decent, so all blonde and blue eyed. Your basic White WASPY family. Anyway, they decided they wanted one more, and when they signed up with the adoption agency they just said "first available" they got a healthy little boy, he just happened to be black.

If you have love to give, go for it! But discuss with your husband the types of challenges you think you could handle in the way of children. The more you think you could handle, the more it can speed up the process.

Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 6

I think it would be fine to adopt at that age people older then that have adopted and do adopt. My Aunt was nearly 49 when she and her husband only slightly younger then her adopted. Grant it different agencies have different criteria when it comes to the age of adoptive parents. But I’m sure you will be able find one that will approve you. Plus willing to adopt a Mixed race child (bi or multi) greatly increases your chance of getting a child sooner, rather than later. Willing to take a child that isn't an infant is also a plus. Of course you could always end up with a very young baby. I know a couple who were willing to take a child up to 3 years old, so they were shocked when they got a call that they had a 3 day old baby for them if they wanted him.

Some links that might be able to help you

http://www.kentuckyadoptionservices.org/
http://www.adoptionassistance.com/
http://www.adoptionsolutions.com/agencies/ky_agencies.htm
http://www.myadoptionagencies.com/adoption-search/kentucky_adoption_agencies.html

Answer 7

Ok. l'll try and answer your question(s) as best l can. Firstly, your age is fine, and l doubt a ten-year age gap between yourself and your husband would be a problem if you were wondering. Only you can decide if adoption is the right choice for you. You need to balance out and prioritise your wish/reasons for having children, and your capability for raising a child. l'm not making that specific to you, but for anyone thinking of having a child. l don't think that your sexual orientation would be a problem either (this depends on whether or not you adopt internationally, or what state you live in), but either way you are in a heterosexual marriage now. From what you've told us, l'm guessing that your two biggest barriers would be the stability of your marriage (l'm not sure what pretty good means, it may mean you have a great realationship), and your lack of networking of family and friends. l personally don't agree with some of the other comments about how your family members will 'take it' if you choose to adopt, your husband's children are adults, it does not concern them in that sense if you decide to have another child. Your daughter is 10, so she is at an age where she will understand and be included in your decision to have another child, she and your husband are really the only other people you need to consider in the decision making process. As far as not having a large network of people, you need to ensure that you will have someone to lean on in times of trouble to help you cope. Again, the same goes for any parent. My advice to you would be to talk seriously about this with your husband, and decide between the two of you whether or not you think your relationship and yourselves are strong enough to meet the demands of starting all over again raising another child, along with the extra stress of adoption. lt can take some real soul searching at times to decide if you're ready, and l would absolutely reccomend educating yourselves on adoption, attend some information seminars, and consult a social worker. l've included a couple of links to get you started on some research, but l would definately suggesting talking to 'real' people as well! Also keep in mind that if you decide adoption is unsuitable for you, there is foster care. You don't even have to do this full-time, you can take children for respite care, do weekend 'mentoring', there are a lot of options out there, it is just a matter of finding what suits you and your family best. l wish you the best of luck with your decision, and l hope you are happy with whatever choice you make!
http://www.kentuckyadoptionservices.org/
http://www.adopt.org/
http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/foster

Answer 8

I really worry about people coming on Yahoo and asking total strangers about whether or not to be a parent, but they cannot even get the words out on paper.

And to Kathy K above ----- it is NOT easier to adopt a child of color than any other child! The requirements are all the same, but stricter for adopting transracially, because those parents have to have MORE adoption education and awareness.

Answer 9

Acually in my opinion you don't sound like you need to bring a child into your family, people not getting along, you have a "pretty good' relationship. You aren't even sure of your sexual orientation. Don' screw up another life, let someone with a stable loving functional family adopt the child you would like to have.

Answer 10

Adopting a bi-racial child will be much easier than adopting a "white" child especially with all the factors you have. (age sexual preferences, disability at home) I would very much go for it, it sounds like you guys would make some child very happy, not to mention your "daughter' ( and yes, she is your daughter, for 10 years you loved and cared for her, and still are!)