My boyfriend and I are no longer technically engaged although he still plans on marrying me in the next one and a half to two years. I told him I didn't want to be engaged until I felt he was ready to be more responsible and called off the wedding. I refuse to wear my ring or even look at wedding stuff. I've stopped planning, which presents a problem if I do want to marry him in a year or two. I know that it takes about a year to properly plan and pay for a wedding, so my question is this, do I go ahead and buy the gown that I love and continue to pick up wedding odds and ends along the way, or do I just forget about it and wait until he asks me again? I don't want to seem like I'm being sneaky or changeable, but I already had this entire thing planned in my head. I'd already bought somethings for invitations such as stickers, do I finish paying for the invitations materials and just store them? Most of my friends say go ahead and buy the things I know I want, like the gown.
2007-06-27 07:59:43 · 31 answers · asked by Linda J 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Well, to give more background....originally the wedding was being planned for Sept. or 2008. He asked me to marry him at the courthouse instead of waiting and continue to plan the wedding because I wasn't sure that we could afford it. We ended up splitting up for a couple of weeks and everything changed. He quit his job and I got fired for it (we worked together), he has a new job now but isn't sure what he wants to do permanently now. That's putting me in a really tough position. Plus he has a son that he says he wants to have full time but isn't doing anything to get full time. We were also planning on getting pregnant and now he's changed his mind, so with all of this drastic change I just feel that I can't rely on him and that he isn't really considering the peopl earound him when he makes decisions. Thats why I called off the engagement. I love him very much, I wouldn't say that I am trying to punish him, just hoping that he can step up to the plate without me pushing him.
2007-06-27 08:26:13 · update #1
You're going to be getting all kinds of different answers from this question, it should be interesting. I say don't buy the dress - because the wedding day isn't just about you (though many people would disagree with me)- it's about the guy you're going to marry, too. If you don't end up marrying ~this~ guy, will the guy you ~do~ marry want you wearing a gown you bought with someone else in mind? I say hold off and wait, the guy you end up marrying will probably want to have a part in buying and picking things out...not want 'left overs' from the other guy, if that makes sense.
Good luck!
2007-06-27 08:15:41 · answer #1 · answered by razor_sharp_redhead 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was married six months to the day after I got engaged. I have never met a single person whose wedding went so smoothly, and we're even talking church wedding. You don't really need a whole year, so I wouldn't even worry about that.
In any case, I hate to be argumentive, but I think your friends are dead wrong. The truth is that you don't really know this is ever going to happen. Gowns are expensive. Invitations are expensive. And today's perfect gown is tomorrow's perfect disaster that could remind you of a wedding that never happened. It would be plain foolish to buy all that stuff. Wait. If the gown is gone, you'll find another. It is not nearly as big a deal as you think it is. I am not saying it won't work out, but don't throw money away on a maybe. That dress is NOT important. Standing up there and saying "I do" to the man who loves you and wants to marry you... that is what will matter.
Good luck!
p.s. I notice that a lot of people suggest getting the dress and storing it. Here's a question to ask yourself before you do: if it does not work out with this guy, and you're planning a wedding with a different man in a year or two... will that dress still remind you of today? Think about it.
2007-06-27 08:10:29 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you are setting yourself up for heartache. Wait. Everything will be there when the time comes, but if you don't have a groom, you will push away any potentials by planning something without him.
You will always have your perfect wedding planned in your head! That is part of being a woman. But you don't want to ruin your perfect dress by buying it for a wedding that might never happen? You buy a dress for that special man, and you imagine him seeing you at the end of the aisle and falling in love with you all over again, with tears in his eyes. And this doesn't sound like he is that guy. Don't rush to have a wedding just to have that perfect day- remember a wedding is about a marriage- a love between two people. Good luck!
2007-06-27 08:11:40 · answer #3 · answered by Melissa N 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you think this is the perfect gown for you then buy it because it might not be there when you two are ready to get married. This way no matter what you'll have your perfect gown. As far as everything else just put a hold on it. You said he won't be ready for 1 1/2 to 2 yrs to get married, but unless you set the date for exactly that time then just stop. You can continue to do everything when you guys are ready. THat way he can help with the ideas and it won't seem like you did everything your way and didn't care to ask him for his opinion.
2007-06-27 08:06:49 · answer #4 · answered by for_keeps8 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you go ahead and buy it, that goes against you saying "not dealing with the wedding until he's ready". You have to face that he may not be ready. He may want to be with you, but not ready for that commitment. To be a realist, things between you might not work out. If that's the case, you'll be stuck with a dress until you meet the next Mr. Right and you might not want to wear the same dress you had picked out for a whole different wedding.
Just my thoughts since I cancelled my wedding too. I did all the planning and whenever I asked my husband his opinion he felt like he was being bombarded with stuff and he got nervous. We had to talk it out and we reset a new date. So, that's not to say yours won't work out. Ours did. The day we were going to be married was cold, rainy, and nasty so we took it as a sign. We've been married a year now and I made sure to keep him up to tabs on my plans the whole time, but was concious to how he felt.
2007-06-27 08:26:08 · answer #5 · answered by Phoenixsong 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd be inclined to purchase the things you know you like and put them away (in the old days they called that the "hope" chest). Also, I'd book the reception place for 18 months to 2 years out so you don't lose that deposit. If the next time he still isn't your dream guy, you can always cancel then. Give him back his ring and let him ask you again when he is more mature. (You may not ever want him as a mate if he doesn't grow up, right?) If you find another guy you fall in love with, there's nothing wrong with having the wedding already in the planning stages.
2007-06-27 08:16:18 · answer #6 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
sounds liek with the uncertainty in his job situation, you should be saving money in case this one falls through instead of buying gowns for a hypothetical wedding. you called it off, so all aspects of it, including the planning a paying need to be called off. you can do everything in less than a year, so don't stress about that....I know a person who planned a wedding (and I mean a big one) in 3 weeks to get married before he had to go to iraq. wait until he asks you again....knowing you have that dress and all the other stuff is gonna make the uncertainty WAY harder! good luck!
2007-06-27 10:08:12 · answer #7 · answered by ASH 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well....going ahead and buying the stuff (if he sees or finds out) shows that you arent very serious about having called off the engagement IMO. If you REALLY love the dress and dont think you could love another as much as that one, buy it...but hide it well out of site and dont look at it. As for the invitation stuff, if it's all part of a set/collection then yes you should probbaly finish buying them and STOP with all wedding related planning and buying. When he starts to show more responsibility and start to show signs of being ready to pick up where you left off then start up the planning again. As for right now though putting money aside is not a bad idea because evetually you willmarry someone and having money set aside is great
2007-06-27 08:18:12 · answer #8 · answered by ♥Mommy to 3 year old Jacob and baby on the way♥ 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
STOP! Whatever style you think you love today may not look that great next year. Styles change every month and you're not a little squirrel who has to store up nuts for the winter. So, don't buy things now until you are ready for engagement and marriage. I'm curious about your refusal to wear your engagement ring. Does this mean you want to send a message that you're single and available or single and in limbo?
2007-06-27 08:12:53 · answer #9 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you plan on marrying him either way. Why break off the engagement because he's not responsible enough, but continue planning a wedding anyway? I wouldn't buy the dress or the invites right now. Wait and see what happens with your relationship first. JMO.
2007-06-27 08:12:01 · answer #10 · answered by tink 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋