When your enemy is the one you love...what to do?

Question

My mother has given me life and has provided for me since birth. So that's not the issue. The issue is her constant nagging and criticsm. In the presence of her church friends and coworkers she's a saint. But behind closed doors, she's a nightmare. From everything to my hairstyle to parenting style, nothing I do is ever up to her standard. She's even insisted that my husband and I are abusive when I rarely discipline my child....yet she has been verbally abusing the entire family for years. Over the years, I have built up anger to her. I know that is not right but what should I do? I'm trying to let that go but it's so hard when she insists that my business is her business.

Answer 1

It's painful when you one day realize your mother isn't the mother in all the Mother's Day cards. I struggled with the same things and even tried to reason with my mother at times but it got no where. I finally realized that she can't handle the truth. She was a good mother as far as taking care of us the best she could but she could have left off the mental abuse, and some physical because of the way my dad treated her. She took out her emotions on her three little girls. She don't remember that, she just remembers the good things she did. I think that if some mothers actually realized how abusive they are, it would send them off the deep end. I just made a decision that I wouldn't let it affect me and how I treat my children. I chose to be the bigger person. It's hard because a child, no matter how old, wants to feel protected his or her mother.

But I know what you mean about people seeing one side and having to live with the other side, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Just be glad you are not under her household any longer and just be as nice as you can to her, even though it's hard. You may just have to distance yourself from her more, for your sake. You can't change the past, but you can make certain that your children don't end up feeling the same way about you. Take care and God bless!

Answer 2

I have some of the same issues with my mother. My best suggestion to you would be for you to write her a letter expressing your feelings point by point. Explain to her that you love her and that you would like a "healthy" relationship with her, but right now you feel as though you never measure up and quite frankly, you are tired of trying. Basically pour your heart out, don't send it the first day -- read it again after a few days...make changes or keep it the same and send it. Hopefully it will initiate a positive talk between the two of you. She MAY become defensive and being even more harsh in her criticsm and that's when you need to make the best decision for your family and decide how much of a relationship (if any) you want to have with her.

I know for me, it's really emotionally tough because as we get older (I'm 29)...all I want is to feel love, accepted and respected by my mother and I really want her to step up and be a grandma to the most beautiful child - my son. It hurts when we aren't a priority but she makes sure even though we haven't spoken in months that at my baby shower she buys the most lavish gifts and acts like we are best friends in front of all my friends to make herselfs look good. But in reality, not all mother/daughter relationships are meant to be great relationships. Sometimes it's just not possible.

You've also got to forgive for you, not her. I lift my issues with my mom up to God and always feel a whole lot better.

Blessings to you ~

Answer 3

It seems as if mom is caught between two camps, that which she truly believes and that which she thinks she has to believe, ie, her church. With this type of person I`ve found that the best way is to get her to give you evidence,/instances of, say, abuse. Don`t be sidelined, stay with the main issue, abuse. don`t let her waffle on or change the subject. What I`m really saying ,is talk her to a standstill. Make her PROVE her allegations. When she can`t do this then perhaps she`ll wake up and begin to think for herself. Failing this then I believe that you should give her an ultimatum - stop the criticism or stay away from you. I personally knew a religious person ( at least in his mind he was religious ) who was the same. Eventually his entire family drifted away and he`s a sad, lonely man with only his beliefs to keep him company. Plus, you have to consider the effect that this negative woman may have on your children.

Answer 4

Distance yourself. Your mother is not treating you like you deserve to be treated, and you are simply accepting it. Your mother stopped providing for you when you started supporting yourself. While you should be thankful, loving, respectful and considerate, you do not have to lay down and let her walk all over you like a doormat.

Don't take her phone calls or make them brief. Do not spend more time than you have to with her. Don't engage in conversations that involve what you are doing "wrong". Protect your husband and child from her by not being available. You do not owe her an explanation but if she should ask tell her that you aren't her punching bag, and it ends now.

End this cycle with your daughter. Do not let your mothers behavior carry on to a next generation. Do what you can to not be the kind of mother she is to you. I understand that she gave you birth and she provided for you, but like you giving birth to your child, that was HER decision and does not mean that she gets to do whatever she wants to with your emotions. Some women should never have children, your mother may have been one of those, don't allow her to hurt you just because she calls herself a mother.

Answer 5

You are going to have to put your foot down and tell her why you need to put space between you and her. And until she can talk TO you not AT you this is how it is going to be. Tell her your business is yours not hers, church, aunts, uncles. You dont have to curse her out but let it be known and when she tries to over talk or yell at you you cut her off and say "Ok I see you dont want to talk right now and say bye and hang up" Everytime she does that you repeat that and hang up or if you are with her say that phrase and leave. Hopefully she will start to have a level head and think before she speaks. I know how you feel, moms are an important part of a girls life even as an adult. But she still has to know her boundaries, you have your own family now.

Answer 6

If a relationship means that much, then maybe, counseling, maybe getting other family members together and trying an intervention, since shes doing it to other family members as well. Either way she has to be talked to or else you she will miss out on true value of family.

Answer 7

hi i can relate to your promblem my best answer is to remember you are grown now so what you do is your buisness and now you have the choice to walk away or put some space when you feel like you cant deal with it anymore when she starts to talk or nagg about things tell her you dont want to talk about that and just change the subject then maybe try to sit down and talk to her and tell her that you dont like the way shes been but explain it in the most respectful way you can good luck hope things get better

Answer 8

Danielle - this may be hard for you to understand, but your mother loves you and is trying to be helpful. Nagging and criticism may not feel like love to you, but that is her intent.

Some mothers have a hard time separating themselves (emotionally) from their children. They don't see their children as separate people, but as a continuation of themselves. When your mother sees things that she thinks are not right, it upsets her, and she thinks it SHOULD upset you, too. She does not understand that you have your own point of view, your own opinions, likes and dislikes. You may occasionally feel this way about your own child(ren).

One thing you can do to release the anger you feel at your mother is to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Emotional Tapping. In EFT you apply gentle acupressure tapping to specific body points to release blocked emotions. EFT is easy to learn (you can learn the basics in 15-30 minutes). You can use EFT anytime, anywhere for any emotional or physical issue. One basic round of EFT takes about one minute to complete.

Please download the FREE EFT Instructional manual from the EFT website (www.emofree.com) and watch the Free EFT Introductory video..

I learned how to use EFT last year and now use it everyday. EFT really works. - ONE TECHNIQUE YOU CAN USE ANYTIME YOUR MOTHER GETS ON YOUR NERVES is to TAP LIGHTLY ON THE SIDE OF EITHER HAND for about one minute.

Answer 9

You and your Mother need to sit down and talk.I know exactly how you feel.My Mother and I talked after 50 years about how she treated me different.I am glad we did she passed away and all was clear between us.Tell her that you will ask for her help when you need it,and until then for her just to wait.Respect her and let her know you love her, but tell her....

Answer 10

just dont pay attention to what ever she says you started a life a family dont let the beauty of haven a family go to waste cause your always thinkin about her