Help me help him!! Please How do you help someone who doesn't admit they have a problem?

Question

I know that this question has been asked many times, but the answer is different for everyone. My boyfriend is a true alcoholic. We were together for a couple years and broke up because of his drinking ( I was pregnant with our child). We got back together 6 months ago. When he asked to get back together he told me that his drinking had slowed because of his care for our child. Now I can see that it hasn't. He has to drink from the time that he gets off of work until he passes out and on the weekends he starts drinking by noon. He is not violent (yet) when he drinks. I'm just very concerned for him because his whole family is full of alcoholics and they drink themselves into alot of debt. He never has money and works at a very highly paying job. He doesn't think that he has a problem and will not admit it. He keeps asking me to marry him & move back in together, but I keep telling him that I will not until the drinking slows. Also he always makes excuses for his drinking

Answer 1

I've lived with the same thing. You have to choose what you want your child exposed to. I know you can't take his legal rights away to see his child, but you are telling your child it is okay to behave that way when you openly share this relationship. If he truely loves you then he eventually will see what it will take to have you. You can't tell an alcoholic to slow down, he has to stop... Prove he can maintain himself without a drink. Eventually you may feel comfortable with him drinking an occassional drink, but that can be years. My husband believed I was just psycotic when I called him an alcoholic (he never hit me either, just ignored me and the kids). It took two years of telling him he had a problem, until he hit a tree one night, then he came to realization. In order to stay in the house he had to explain to our children what happene to him and his car, attend AA meetings and pour out his beer with his kids watching. Nothing is perfect. Everyone is different. I'm still not at the end of my road with this man. I did get him on anti-depresents two months ago and everything else seems to have fallen into place since then. Good luck trying to figure yours out!

Answer 2

O.K first I need to ask you a little question of my own. Do you think it is a little bit funny how on exactly the same day that a government report comes out saying how uncontrollble immigration from eastern europe is having a negative effect on virtually every public service and social aspect of britain that another one comes out saying how great their contribution to the economy is? I would never suggest that the government would fake a document to make a case (*cough* iraq dossier, *cough* iraq dossier) but them coming out on the same day is an awful coincidence - don't you think? It also seems funny to me that they actually claim immigrants have a 'better work ethic'. This is such an open ended term what is a good work ethic depends largely on what an individual employer deems it to be, and the fact is that in a free market this usually means working stupid amounts of hours for minimum wage - which is exactly what the majority of eastern european migrants bring to the table. The report even states that on average they work longer hours (no mention of specific numbers here) and earn £60 a week more than a comparable native worker (again funny how a specific figure is given here). I find this, second, reoprt deeply insulting to the people of Britain to just sit back in a chair and say eastern europeans are better workers than english is effectively giving a social justification for discrimination when choosing an employee based on their nationality. Is it not common sense aswell that the reason unemployment is becoming so high is because these people are prepared to work such long hours, if you get two people prepared to do 20 hours extra a week you wouldn't have to hire another person - and where are they; at the back of a dole queue, that's where!!!! I personally would be most interested to see what the anticipated costs of meeting the increased needs of society are to cope with this level of immigration. The government report claims they make a £6 billion contribution to the economy but fails to state what the actual cost is of them being here - I suspect the extra health care costs and educational needs alone would all but half this. Anyway, enough of my rant, your question was in regards the social aspects of things. My opinion is the same as yours - YES there are way to many people here already and I do think the government has admitted it but in their usual fashion have chosen to ignore the problem, lock the door in their ivory tower and hope it goes away. I used to vote BNP until I saw a documentary on the level of racism instilled within the party; I now vote UKIP despite what the government is trying to do in tarnishing them with the same BNP brush. Unless I see evidence of their hate I consider them the ONLY choice for a continuing britain. Just to back up my point; I don't know how many of you out there know it aswell, but the guy who posted the road pricing petition on the downing street website that got well over a million signatures is now standing for UKIP in Telford, a man prepared to stand up for millions of us is again preparing to stand up and be counted - it's about time people looked at their own values and voted with a party that represents them rather than just voting for either of the big (or as I like to see it 'the complacent') two ; labour or conservative.

Answer 3

The drinking doesn't just need to "slow"...it needs to stop. He is an alcoholic and right now the alcohol is more important than admitting he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics often have to hit rock bottom or lose something they care about before they will admit they have a problem. For your and your child's sake, I would get out of this relationship until he admits he has the problem and seeks help for it on his own. No amount of coaxing from you or anyone else will make him stop. The decision will have to come from him.
Good Luck...stay strong.

Answer 4

I had the same thing with my husband. And actually i did nothing. I told him how I felt about his drinking. I told him that I would not live with him like that and that it was his choice. He could drink if that is what he wanted to do. I was tired of askin him to stop. And when he did stop it was for a day or two. Then he would ask me if he could drink or ask if I cared if he did. So when I told him that I was no longer giving him pemission to drink because he was a Man and could make his own decisions for himself. That made him responsible and not able to put the blame on me anymore.
I had started going to church, on my own with out him and I asked if he wanted to go ( put the offer out there with out any pressure). I quit drinking my self (even though I never really drank much only socialy). I did not go with him places where I knew that there would be the oportunity for him to drink. And he came around it took a little while. He started going to church with me and realized that what he was doing to himself was wrong. Now almost 2 years later he has not drank but once in a bluemoon and even then it has only been 1 or 2 at the most.
I wish you the best of luck. And remember that you have children then It is your responsibility to protect them from harm and If he can't help himself then he can't help his children.

Answer 5

Hi! Please stay away from him. I understand you have a child and that he is not violent. But even if he is a nice guy that is alchholic. He is bad news. Please make it less painful for yourself and your child. Do not continue to date him and please don't move in with him. Nothing good comes from drinking as you have said his family has drank themselfs into debt. This is how most people who are alcholics end up. Save yourself the problems. It could get worst you can never tell. Do you really want to be with someone who is always out of it. He is not giving 100% to the relationship being this way. Please give you and your child the chance to be happy don't let your child grow up thinking this is ok. I lived in this kind of world for 9 years it was hard to leave and hard staying. I am free today and very happy.I was young and did not want to see that this was a problem that would get worst. I don't want any one to live through this you are very lonely. God Bless You and your little one

Answer 6

What can you do for him. Nothing...absolutely nothing.

If he is an active alcoholic, the fact is that he will probably die from that condition. He may get sober someday, but probably wont. Most dont.

What you can do is for yourself and your child. You can leave. You have a child to think about and no child deserves to have to grow up with an active alcoholic destroying their life.

You can get involved in the Al-Anon family groups and talk to people that have been in the exact same situation. You can do what they did to recover. And if you have been living with an active alcoholic, you need healing. You have been damaged. Take care of your own recovery. Your boyfriend has to find his on his own...or die.

Answer 7

I'm going to be as honest as possible, and my intentions are not to hurt your feelings. Alcoholism is an illness. And it is inherited. Moving in with him and or marrying will down right destroy you and your child's life. There isn't anything you can do for him if he doesn't want to face it himself. So I'm sorry for that. All I can say is gather as much strength, physical, emotional and spiritual and move forward so you can provide the best life for you and your child. I know that you are a wonderful person because you are trying your utmost to help him. I did that for 15 years. The difference is that my husband has a mental illness in which he wouldn't and still doesn't want to seek help for. His family doesn't help either because some of his siblings are alcoholics and some are also dealing with mental illness. It was such a hard life for me and my kids. That we are trying to heal with each passing day. (I called it quits in December 2006) I send you my prayers and my best wishes. You can and will move forward!

Answer 8

I'm so sorry there aren't any magic wands out there for you. All the previous answers are right - you CANNOT help him, unless he admits to his problem. Yeah, I would try going to AlAnon to see what advice they have, I would also set a deadline for him to 'wise up' and get help for himself. If that deadline passes and he has made no commitment, then you'll just have to be really strong and save yourself - for the sake of your child. Make it clear to him - AND to yourself - that there will be no 2nd chances, no going back. I wish you all well.

Answer 9

There isn't anything you can do except take care of yourself and your child. He isn't going to change until he is ready to change. It never works when he tries to do something for someone else's benefit. He has to be ready to make his own life better.

When he is ready then support him, comfort him, tell him how proud you are of his changing. I would also make sure he has a good group of people to support him, like an AA group.

Answer 10

Here is a lesson you women need to learn. You can't change someone. If he wants to change he will, but it will be for himself, and not for you, and not for your child (why did you have a kid with this guy anyway?). Point being is you need to kick him out of your life for good. Not for a while, not till he comes crying back to you, FOR GOOD. Let him deal with this on his own. He keeps drinking because you let him keep drinking. But cutting him out of your life totally, you are sending a message that it is not ok.