children being ugly, help!?

Question

I nanny for 3 kids, a 4 year old girl and 7 year old boy who are brother and sister, and a 4 year old boy. THey all live together, mom and dad are engaged, getting married this Sept. The bro and sis are SO ugly to the other child. They refuse to play with him, tell him you're not our brother. They scramble to sit by each other with smug little looks on their faces. They throw things at him, tell him to be quiet. I feel bad for this little guy, he's a sweetie! How can I get them to stop with the ugliness???

Thought I'd add some details. They've been living together for over a year. I don't know how to correct this behavior! Yesterday my husband took the left out little one to the other side of the park just the two of them. When they kids asked where he was going, what he was doing, I just told them to mind their beeswax and play. I just don't know what to do. The dad is overly hard/harsh w/ the other child. I can tell him something he did during the day and he'll go all out screaming and yelling at the kid hitting him upside the head. I tell him something vicious the 7 yr old did (he can be really nasty ) and he just nods and says yea he had a tough childhood. Its to the point where I don't want to say anything about anything because nothing fair will be done about it! Ahg. I hate situations like this. Should I ban the word brother and sister from the house!? I'm so sick of hearing "Don't touch my brother!" "You can't sit there, you're not my sister!" "We don't want you on the slide!"

Answer 1

You're going to have to be a pain about the rules. The fact is, they're facing a big situation and they're having trouble dealing with it, but doing the best they can given what they have. Don't think of their behavior necessarily as "ugly." Think of it as "normal" in the situation, but completely and totally unacceptable. Despite what the parents do and their rules, you have to lay down rules STRONGLY for when you're around. They might see that there are 2 different sets of rules in the house, but at least your time will be more peaceful.

They don't want to sit by him during lunch? Fine...they can sit by themselves (seperated) at 2 tables while you eat lunch with the boy.
The 4 year old girl throws something at the boy? If it's garbage - fantastic. You just got yourself somebody to sweep/mop the entire floor. If it's one of her toys - guess she won't see that one for a week. After all, if she doesn't respect her toys enough to take care of them, they should not be out at all.

Here's another tip : Don't be afraid to get the children to cry about their behavior. And I don't mean to sound mean when I say that. Don't be degrading about it, but figure out some way they can reflect on it. You likely will NOT be able to do that if they're both in the room because they'll both look at each other and laugh. The 4 year old girl is following the big brother's behavior to a degree and he's old enough that he might not care what you say. So when you see them gang up on him, I would start with her. Pull her into the other room:
Good questions to ask:
"What did you do in there to Tommy?" (My imaginary name for the boy)
"How do you think that made him feel?"
"What should I do if he ever did that to you?"
"How would you feel if he did that to you?"

Bad questions to ask:
"Did you throw something at Tommy?"
"Do you know that hurt his feelings?"
"Would you like it if I did that to you?"

The "Bad Questions" are there because they offers no reflection. You don't want her saying "yes" and "no." You want her saying what she did. She might try to say, "But Tommy did..." simply reply with, "I'm talking about you. What did YOU do?" Keep going until you see it's sinking in. Once you feel she's understood, then you can ask, "What do you think we need to say to Tommy?"

Don't FORCE her to apologize. It won't be sincere. But bring Tommy in and ask, "What did Cindy (imaginary name again) do to you?"
"Threw paper in my face."
"How did you feel about it?" (Be less strict on yes/no questions with him. If he doesn't answer, feel free to say, "Did you like it?" The idea here is you want Tommy to be able to say what he feels, but he doesn't need the same reflection Cindy had).
"Bad."
Then look at Cindy with a concerned look. Hope she apologizes, but I think it will start to sink in how her behavior is affecting the situation.

Something has to be done about the dad, but that's out of the range of your authority to a large degree. But you might have to do a lot of the same reflective things with him.

"I tell him something vicious the 7 yr old did (he can be really nasty ) and he just nods and says yea he had a tough childhood."

Your reply:
"What do you think we can do to help them learn to do things better next time?"

True...they might be acting that way because of a rough childhood, but they need guidance or their childhood will get rougher. What guidence does he suggest both you and the parents follow through with?

Obviously, smacking the child on the head and yelling at him is not the option.

Matt

Answer 2

You shouldn't stand by and watch the father hit the 4yr old on the head. You should have told him something. That's not right. You've explained to him about how the other children are being and he's turning a deaf ear. Is the other 4yr old the women's? Speak to her about it. Tell the kids that they have to get along w/ in your house. There is no fighting, yelling, hitting of any kind to each other. Even when someone doesn't like someone they still have to respect them. The poor boy is only 4yrs old and shouldn't be bullied. Start putting them in time-outs and take away their toys if they misbehave. Let the parents know why you are doing this. You will not tolerate this behavior in your house. Just as if they were in school or a daycare this would not be allowed. You could vidoetape them and have the parents see exactly what they are doing so not only do they see w/ their own eyes, but they see you are telling the truth. You could sit down w/ them together or individually and have each one explain why there are being this way. Get to the root of the problem.

Answer 3

you know this is very typical it happens all the time. You can start by always saying positive things around the children example; oh so and so I just love your shoes they're so awesome! This to the child that is being left out. And then point it out to the other children,often. Also you can correct this on your own because you are obviously not getting help from the parent. Give the left out child a special responsibility every day say like telling you what the weather is like out, make something up. Always remind the children that a family is made up of many different types of people and that we must love them. Remind them that you are their friend and that you care for them everyday, and they should care for others as well.
Good luck and remember kindness works best with children.

Answer 4

I take it the 4 yr old boy is the mom's biological child. I am sure that they all feel a little threatened by the upcoming nuptials, but that is no excuse for te 4 yo girl adn 7 yo boys behavior. Obviously the "dad" jsut wants to maek excuses for this and not see it as an issue. Have you talked with the mom yet? This needs to be stopped now before it gets worse.

Answer 5

Wow, that is tough to try to fix such issues without the parents help. I would talk to the parent of the little boy.

When my children are ugly with each other I just tell them it's not acceptable the say that to each other.

I always try to point out how someone else might be feeling about something, help them become aware of how it feels.
Saying something like, "how would you feel if someone did/ said that to you". "not good, huh? well we don't want anyone to have to feel that way, so we don't say that stuff in our house"

I always tell my kids that there is enough meanness in the world or at school, we don't need that at home too. Home is a safe place, where you don't get picked on.

It's an on going process, but it does sink in.

Answer 6

Oh my! Sounds like you really have your work cut out for you! First off, I would let the parents know what's going on and hope they can work on it. In the mean time, you should do your best to correct the behavior when it is expressed in your presence. Try playing games with the three of them so they can get to know the boy better. And don't forget to reward good behavior. If all else fails, give the boy extra attention and don't let them hurt him in any way.

Answer 7

You really need to talk with the children about what your expectations are when you are around. Set hard rules and consequences. Then, try to find books to read to them that teach lessons about their actions and about family. St up situations where they have to help each other to get something they want. So if they want snowcones, give each of them a job to do to make the snowcones.

Also, pray over them and ask God to remove the negative feelings they have. Sounds like you are not getting much help from the parents who are probably at the root of this problem.

So you are going to have to find ways to teach them to care for each other and to treat each other nicely. This is a situation that sounds like it is headed for tragedy in these children's lives. I have provided some websites that might be helpful.

Answer 8

Matt seems to have the best idea for working with the children, but this is probably coming from the parents, their attitudes toward the others children (especially from "dad"), is rubbing off on the kids. Mom should not tolerate this behavior if they are getting married.

Answer 9

to tell you the truth it is the parents fault that they dont raise their children properly it is very sad to hear that i used to work in a sunday school class and this one guy really hated me because he parents had a divorice he hated life and u could see he was mad with everyone even though it was a church and there were other christian children i prayed a lot about him and his family he wanted attention that he ddint gey at home it was also very sad

u can give attention to him also try to bride the children in some sense and tell them that it is wrong.....

i remember another situation from sunday school that these guys made fun of them a little mental guy he understood but he had something wrong and he was cussing we told him it was bad and prayed alot about him to he kinda changed

Answer 10

please explain about the love to your chidrens.