My husband is East Indian (been in the USA since he's been 6 y.o.) and I am American. Our marriage is great, and we've been together for 2 years. My mother-in-law, however, feels that the Indian culture is the only game in town. During the wedding planning, I kept incorporating Indian traditions to make the family happy. I've worn saarees for family events, taken relatives back and forth to the airport, made sure to say Aunt and Uncle in their language. I try everything and my MIL seems to never be happy. My husband has supported his family both financial and emotionally for years (father-in-law had a stroke and brother with autism), I would never oppose this because I'm very close with my family too. But I feel a great sense of competition and she has caused problems in the past for attention. I keep giving and giving, and lately I've stopped because I'm so drained from it all.
2007-06-26 16:46:39 · 13 answers · asked by Lyla 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
quick_sand, I totally agree with you. Its not only the cultural issue, its MIL issue.
Still say thanks to your stars that you are not Indian, and have some 'say' in your life. Indian MILs are famous for making their daughter in law's life's hell. Their son is usually a puppet in their hand cause he believes that following any bullshit of her mother is actually respecting her in his tradition. Indian girls are usually made slave of traditions and are scared of leaving their abusive husband and his family, fearing that the society will deject them. In indian society, it is still a stigma being a divorcee or getting separated from your husband especially for a women. This gives lot of power in hands of husbands as they take their wives for granted. Since you are not an Indian, your husband will live in reality and will not take you for granted. Respect your MIL for what she is, but don't try to please her all the time. It is a impossible task. Be yourself and live your life.
2007-06-30 11:48:01 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
My boyfriend of 2 years is South Indian. It's a totally different culture for me... considering I'm Sicilian. Try to find something you guys have in common. You'll never be Indian, and I'm sure they respect the fact that you're trying... but it doesn't mean anything. You need to bond on a personal level, and then your ethnicity won't matter because you'll be a part of the family.
My boyfriend's dad loves to cook, and we've had some great conversations and really connected. We have no cultural values in common, but we love food, and we can share details about our different cultures that way.
My boyfriend's grandparents took a liking to me because I do well in school and motivate myself to study and get good grades. This is something they can relate to. When people relate, they relate. You can't relate on everything, and wearing Indian clothes and turning yourself into something you're not will only make the transition harder. I guarantee that if you stop thinking about fitting in, it will be easier than you think. Don't think of it as giving and giving, think of it as making new culturally diverse friends. Indian people are actually pretty damn cool.. but nobody loves a fake. They can probably see right through you.
2007-06-26 16:53:56 · answer #2 · answered by leigh 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sorry, but it isn't just because she comes from India, that is a huge part of it, I'll give my opinion on in a second.
Women are rotten to other women....I don't associate with my MIL at all!!! In any way shape or form...Try 27yrs of Queen Beoch! Women are capable of ruthless things, and even worse, when they are your in law!!! Put up with enough, got a backbone and told her what I thought of her, not caring where the chips may fall!! With anyone, Husband or any of his siblings. (I haven't been in the same room with that woman but 2 x's in the 8yrs..!
I had had enough of that woman, and I am so not involved in "Drama" anymore!!!
Where you are "stuck" is another person's "Culture" is involved. Ancestorial Customs you husband grew up with, even though he was 6 when he got to America...His family, through generation after generation, has had very different ideas on how things are to be. PLUS, she is your Mother In Law, that is one I am afraid your going to have to just "deal" with...What I am getting at is, she "ain't gonna bend for ya' ", she is way too set in her ways, and talking will do no good.
She is getting "support", monetarily and otherwise, so to his Mother he is her world, and she is going to protect it, she isn't looking at it as in a "soap oprera" way, she is looking at it with a Middle Eastern mindset.
SONS are who the most important are, daughters/ and inlaws, don't mean squat over there, to her, her son is 20 feet tall, and you are just a bug she'll squash if you get in her way....
2007-06-26 17:08:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your mother-in-law probably refers to you as white because that is preferable to her. Many people from India have opinions about persons "of color" which would not fit in with what is taught here in America. Traditionally, in India a daughter-in-law is expected to defer to her husband's parents. So your mother-in-law might be offended by the idea that you expect her to treat you as an equal and learn about your culture. Your best chance for harmony is to speak to your husband. Tell him that whenever you have a conflict with your mother-in-law, you will speak as though your wishes are his. For example, "my husband wants me to ______" or "_______ (insert his name here) asked me to _______." If you always make it look like you're acting to please your husband, your mother-in-law will be more inclined to go along with it. Or at least she'll go bug your husband if she doesn't like what's happening!
2016-05-21 04:55:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You did the right thing by stopping. She needs to learn she is not in East India. If it's real bad, talk to your husband...but I think it's about time someone tells her to chill out and start showing you a little respect. If your husband won't stick up with you, well it's up to you if you want to continue living in that situation.
2007-06-26 16:54:33 · answer #5 · answered by Jason 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like every mother-in-law conflict around and not as bad as many. Talk to your husband and the two of you work out where the boundries are so you can withhold what you wish and make your marriage work.
2007-06-26 16:52:15 · answer #6 · answered by Mike1942f 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to her. I have the same problem and I simply layed it all out for her. Let her know that her son is in good hands
2007-06-26 16:49:38 · answer #7 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honey, there is nothing that you will ever be able to do to make this woman live you because you are not Indian. sad, but true. you are not what she had always envisioned her son marrying so that is why she treats you this way.
2007-06-26 16:49:52 · answer #8 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tell her she has her ways and you have yours and she needs to deal with it. Tell her to stop complaining about you or else she will get earfuls from you about all of her faults.
2007-06-26 17:26:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get into her shoes for a day.... Just follow your heart and give time...
2007-06-26 16:49:48 · answer #10 · answered by timepass247 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋