Do I owe her my respect?

Question

I am fourteen years old and I found out when I was about eleven that I was adopted. And my blood mother is who I thought was my sister and my mom in blood is my grandma. I ten to be rude to who I still cal my "sister" because I feel I dont owe her respect, she isnt my mom. I have this sort of anger towards her, that I cant seem to heel. I do not even want to see my blood father, and chose not to, because to me the people who raise me are my true parents. Is this a bad thing? And, get this she still wants to call me her daughter, and she has another daughter who is seven and found out so now calls me her sister, which to me she has always been my neice.. I cant figure this mess out, what should I do?

Answer 1

You don't owe your "sister" respect. You are right, the person that raised you as a mother (whether grandparent or adoptive parent), is the one who is your "true parent". I would tell your "sister" she gave up the 'right' to call you daughter when she put you up for adoption. How selfish of her to try and turn your world upside down now. It is perfectly normal for you to have an 'anger' toward her. I think she is being more hurtful now by trying to get you to rewire your thinking because it is convenient for her. As for your niece - I would set her straight as well. I am so sorry your "blood mother" acts as if giving birth equals being a mother. It does not in any way make a person a mother. You sound very level headed for a 14 year old. Your 'true parents' did a wonderful job raising their daughter !!!!! Give yourself time to heal from all this news. Don't be hard on yourself - you have done nothing wrong. I am not even involved and it makes me angry that this biological birth giver thinks she is a mother to you!

Answer 2

You need to give her respect. Your mom and grandma did what they thought was best for you and your mom at the time. You can't seem to heal because you are hanging on to this anger. You need to let it go and realize it was never an easy decision to be made. You need to sit down, keep your teenage cool and ask the tough questions but listen. Really listen to the answers. They could have put you with horrible people they never knew. They could have let your mom be mom and had both of you living in poverty without a chance to succeed. You don't have to agree with how they handled it, but you owe them as much to let them explain it. Do you think it has been easy for your mother/grandma to keep it a secret for so long? Plus, at least you have the fortune of knowing who your birth mother is. Do you know how many go through life not knowing much of anything? You owe them some respect. Don't start acting like a spoiled brat who had everything they wanted, still has it, but changed around. That my dear is selfish.

Answer 3

The only people who should act as parents are the people that raised you. However, everyone deserves respect, so don't shun her out. It is natural to feel anger towards her, but you shouldn't be rude and angry towards her, go vent your feelings when she's not around. You can choose not to see your true father and that is your own decision, but you can always see him and visit him not as a parent figure. Find out what you want to be called by people and tell them your decision. Although your true parents didn't raise you, you owe them a little respect.

Answer 4

WOW!! That is a tough one sweetheart. It seems to me that both your mother and sister (in the way you know them) owes you the respect of letting you live the way you've been living. Thats the way I would want it to be if it were me (I guess)...As far as your 7 year old Niece...if she wants to call you her sister, I would let her...she's still a little one who needs all the love and support she can get cuz she's going to be just as confused as you are when she's old enough to really understand what the situation is...Good Luck Sweety...I hope it all works out for you.

Answer 5

You can find all those answers talking to your real mother. Ask her why she let your grandparents take her place. Don't judge until you have all the facts.
There had been cases when the parents intimidate their daughter's into giving their parental rights just to keep the good name of the family, or they are so overprotective, or they might also think that pretending you were their child you had more chances of being happy.
So many reasons, good or bad, but it's a conversation your mother owns you. And why not, forgiving and respect would only show you have a good heart

Answer 6

Wow it sounds like you have a lot of people who love you, you are very lucky.
It is understandable that you might have feelings of anger toward your bio mom. But realize this...she realized that she could not raise you herself and did the next best thing by allowing another blood relative to raise you, obviously she thinks highly of her mother to allow her to take you on and raise you as her own.
You bio mom must be very proud of you to want to call you her daughter, she could be very private about the matter and not bring it up but it seems that she loves you a lot.
But call everyone by the names you are comfortable with, as you get older the situation may get easier for you to deal with.
Beast of luck sweetie

Answer 7

Dont try to figure everything out. It does not matter, if you have always loved them, then continue to love them. If not, then try to love them. They may be a really wonderful person inside. Dont forget my motto "Everyone makes mistakes" so dont convict them, if you would not want to be convicted of the same thing. Give them a chance, through Gods love and grace He has shown me how to love people who are very hateful towards me. If GOd can do that for me, I am sure He will do that for you if you ask Him. Pray God hears your cry I promise!

Answer 8

wow. you poor kid. this happens more than you can imagine. so many people worry about what others will think that they make up a story and then it comes back to bite them in the #ss. i think you need to find a counseler that can help you sort through these feelings. it's a lot to swallow and it's really tough to handle on you own. it's natural to be angry right now. and confused. just don't let it consume you. talk to a pro. peace.

Answer 9

Tell your "sister" that you don't see her as your mother becasue she didn't raise you. Tell the 7 year old (only if you wish to) that you arent her sister. It does not make you a terrible person when you don't respect someone who didn't take care of their responsibility. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 10

respect her for what she is your sister. You will one day have children, so you do need to acknowledge the difference now. But you do not have to give her the same respect as the mother that raised you. Just use biological mother when refering to her.