Do you think that if your parents can pay for your wedding they should at least help?

Question

My parents can afford to pay for the whole wedding, but because we are adults, and can also pay for it, we are footing most of the bill ourselves. But now that things are "getting down to it" they are acting like they can't even lend a hand at all. I know they can afford it, and I think that they are basically acting selfish. Is that right for them to do? My fiance's parents are paying for their part, we are paying for the other stuff...can't they at least pay for some of the Bride expences? Really would like some advice.

Ok. My parents are very well off. Us not so much but we can manage. My mother is the one that doesn't like ME. I am marrying into a very traditonal southern family and they do believe they have a part to pay for.

Answer 1

Have you sat down and talked to them about this yet?

If you established from the beginning that they didn't have contribute anything, then they may be sticking to the original agreement. If you find that despite the original agreement, you do need some help from them, then you need to sit with them and tell them exactly what you need help with and ask if they want to help. But don't hold a grudge if they say no, since you all already previously agreed they wouldn't help.

If you went ahead with the wedding planning without talking to your parents first- they may see that and the subsequent "help" from the fiancee's family as you guys pushing your parents out of the wedding fun altogether. They may have incorrectly assumed that you don't want them to have any part of the wedding and now, any refusal to assist is their way of punishing you for the perceived slight.

You need to talk to your folks. Find out where they stand on this issue. Smooth over any ruffled feathers if there are any. Then politely ask if they might want to get involved, be a part of some of the planning- like help pick out the reception hall and thus help pay for the reception hall. Or whatever makes them feel comfortable.

Though it has long been tradition that parents pay for all or significant portions of their daughter's weddings- not everyone follows or can afford to follow that tradition today. Times have changed and your parents may be happy to watch them change. So you may end up having to go it without them if push comes to shove.

But no matter how it plays out- try to not let it create a rift- yes, your wedding day is special, but its not worth starting a feud with your folks. Besides- there will be ways to get even with them in the future- like forcing them to babysit unruly grandchildren.

Answer 2

When my Husband and I decided to get Married we first announced our decision to our Parents.

My parents said that they would contribute £2000 and my Husbands parents (who were less well off) said that they would contribute £500. We were adults, both working and had not long bought our first home.

We knew what we could afford to contribute so we planned our wedding around the money we had to spend.

Whilst there does seem to be some tradition around the brides parents paying for the wedding or making a large contribution I am sorry to say I think it is a little selfish of you to expect it.

That said, I also find it unusual that your parents do not feel the need to want to contribute towards your special day.

I can only assume that there are other issues going on with them that maybe you are unaware of that prevent them from contributing.

Maybe you could approach your parents and initially indicate that you are having a little difficulty meeting all the costs and see how they respond.

Answer 3

Actually, you're kind of being selfish, sorry. Tradition is that the brides parents pay for the wedding, but there aren't tons of traditional people in the world anymore...plus, the reason that was started was because a woman lived with her parents until she was married, so she had no money of her own. You and your fiance have the money and have chosen what kind of wedding to have, so you pay for it. It is an OPTION for parents to give money, but it is totally up to them. While I agree that if they have money they should offer to pitch in, your parents haven't and thats fine as well. Its their choice and you should respect it. When you are their age, if you are in the same situation someday, you can pay for your kids' weddings. Until then, you have no say.

Answer 4

No, not at all...
If you and your man are mature enough to get married, and independent adults, you should be happily paying for your own wedding. It has nothing to do with whether you 'think' parents on either side can afford it or not.
It's rare these days that a girl is actually going straight from her father's home to her husband's home, which was when the bride's parents would help pay for the wedding.

Answer 5

well, first of all, you claim that you are marrying into a 'very traditional southern family', and that your fiance's parents are paying for 'their part'... might i ask, how traditional are YOU? are you still living in your parents home, living by their rules? did your fiance ask your father, first, for permission to request your hand in marriage? did you do all those nice traditional things? are you able to (traditionally) wear white? if you can honestly say yes, then, goody for you... but, traditions change with time.

you can't, in all honesty KNOW what your parents can or can't afford. you can't, in all honesty KNOW what's doing with someone else's pocketbook. you just don't know. and there is no reason for you to. now, hypothetical question, IF they were to shell out all the money you want them to, for a party, and the marriage tanks, will you refund the money to them? will you expect them to shell out more money for another wedding, after that? what about if they find themselves on the short end of things, will you be there to help them out? or do you only subscribe to the 'tradition' that parents help children, children don't help parents? (one mother can raise 8 children, but 8 children can't take care of one mother)

if you can't work within the budget you have, then, rethink the whole concept, you don't HAVE to try to rival some pop-star to have a nice wedding. you don't have to break the bank.

if you had a 'traditional' upbringing, you wouldn't have asked this question, and you wouldn't be so fixated on your parents money - in trying to figure out how to get it.

Answer 6

They don't need to help if they don't want to.

Just make sure that what you chose to do for your wedding is within your and your fiance's budget. Like you said, you guys are adults... My family isn't paying for any of our wedding either, so we're just limiting what we're getting.

If you feel really hurt from this, just ask them if they could help out a little... and let them know it would be your wedding gift.

Answer 7

It doesn't matter if they have 50 million in the bank. If they choose to help you financially, it is very generous, but they are in no way obligated to pay for any of it. I'm sure they will give you a gift...maybe they just don't believe it parents paying for the wedding of another adult...

Answer 8

I think it depends. If it is not your first marriage or they don't like your fiancee then they shouldn't help. If you have been living together for a few years on your own they shouldn't help.

I don't think they are selfish for not wanting to pay for the wedding. Untraditional sure but I don't think it has anything do do with being selfish. Many parents are on the brink of retirement and need to save as much money as possible.

If you are planning a wedding you cannot afford then you are the one being selfish. There is no such that as "brides expenses". All you need to get married is a groom, an officant, and two witnesses, and about $100 bucks. Everything else is a bonus.

Answer 9

Since his parents are helping then I think your parents should be willing to help with as much as they are. Nowadays though if their kids are adults or living on their own, parents dont seem to be in a hurry to help out. In ways I can see that it's the couple that should pay for things since they are not living at home, but then again people aren't getting married as young as they did and are leaving home to start careers. I think parents should still be helping out when they can afford to. Do your parents know his are helping? I think you need to tell them that you need to start paying for things and ask if they are going to help, so if they aren't you can start trying to figure out how to get the money.

Answer 10

Is this your 1st marriage? Either way, expecting your parents to fork out the bill just cause you are their daughter is just selfish. I know how stressful AND expensive a wedding is, however if you can afford it then what's the problem?