Supporting my boyfriend through his mother's late stage cancer.?

Question

Besides being there physically and listening, in what ways were you able to give comfort?

Answer 1

Life is cruel isn't it? Everybody is different and you know your boyfriend better than any of us. The fact that you are asking on here what you can do, shows to me, that you are already doing all that is humanly possible.

It is so hard to watch a loved one endure so much grief without feeling that there is 'something that you should be doing' The hard, cold fact is that the only thing you could do to ease his pain is to perform a miracle and cure his mum and as this is not a reality, you will both eventually have to accept that this is going to be an agonising time in your boyfriend's life. The acceptance of this though, will not occur at will,or even before she dies. It will be an evolution in the grief process that nobody has control over.

Go with the flow, take each day as it comes. Reassure him as best you can (without overwhelming him) that you'll be there for him. Keep it simple - the smallest tasks can seem huge in these circumstances - are there any pressures that you can ease, such as (for example) doing extra chores, feeding the dog/cat, shopping etc without making it obvious you are doing them. A quiet night out/in. It's the little things that matter.

When my mum was dying my husband would do things like just hold my hand when he could see I was sad. The best thing he did for me was to give me my 'own time' which was when he would go to bed and leave me on my own and let me sob my heart out (without actually letting-on that he knew that).

Also, look after yourself. This is hard for you too and you are not being selfish if you sometimes feel that you cannot cope. Talk to your friends about how this is making YOU feel - we are all human and events like this make us face up to our own and our family's immortality so don't underestimate the impact on your own wellbeing. Sounds harsh, but this affecting you too and you need your own support. Without it, you will be less effective in helping your boyfriend.

I'm a nurse, and in my last 16weeks of training I electively spent that time with the Macmillan Nurses (not sure where you are from - in the UK these are nurses that care for terminal cancer patients and their family). I never saw one family or person react the same as any other. Everybody was unique.

Tough times are ahead. Take care.

Answer 2

When my mother died, it helped me for people to 1) acknowledge that it was happening rather than pretend it wasn't 2) forgive me when I was short or angry with them 3) leave me alone when I asked 4) take care of chores (paying bills for me, walking the dog, picking up dry cleaning, cleaning the house 5) let them know that there would be a beginning, middle and end to all sorrow and that nothing would really help but time, and 6) remind me that she would soon be in a place without suffering. Death is a kinder alternative than living in constant pain.

I am sorry for his loss.

Answer 3

offer to help out in any manner. having been through this, i can honestly say offer to do any of the things he might need done. it helps TREMENDOUSLY. i went through this alone, so you would be surprised how much just a simple trip to the supermarket or just mailing something can be of help. i was an only child, father passed away 15 yrs earlier, so i was completely alone with this. i don't know if your b/f has siblings, but just spend time with him. you say you listen, if he should happen to say he needs to run here or there, offer help with one of them. time is a big thing right now, and running stupid errands or handling family matters takes chunks of time away from mom's last day. when the big day comes, don't hold too closely, but don't leave him alone. losing a dear family member hurts, and it affects people differently. he may want to be alone, oblige, but don't let him too much alone.

grieving sucks, but it's a part of life

Answer 4

Your boyfriend is grieving. Grieving can occur with an actual loss or with an anticipated loss. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of grieving; not everyone progresses through each stage, and some people skip stages, or go back and forth between them. This may help you understand your boyfriend's feelings so you can help him: http://mt.essortment.com/stagesofgri_rvkg.htm. And bless you for being there for him.

Answer 5

i think of you in simple terms could be there for him as a help person, somebody to lean on in those difficult circumstances. i do no longer think of you're able to push him on hospice for one element the affected person does not want it. do no longer bypass against her will. If he desires to talk approximately issues be there to hearken to and furnish enter. attempt to no longer decide him, i be attentive to that's annoying whilst somebody else isn't doing what i could do. approximately all you're able to do in a difficulty like that's stay interior the eaves and enable them to make their own selections.

Answer 6

use humour,be brave for them,be strong...put yourself 3 steps behind...you will catch up,listen,give them all your time.....good luck.