what's the best thing to say to a 5yr old who says he is scared of dying?

Question

i'm not particulary religious but my hubby is and he just says 'god will take of you, don't worry". i would like to say things to him which are not religious but will not freak him out. he hasn't experienced death (apart from the dog last year) and i could do with some good words of wisdom!

Answer 1

When talking with children, many of us feel uncomfortable if we don’t have all the answers. Young children, in particular, seem to expect parents to be all knowing - even about death. But death, the one certainty in all life, is life’s greatest uncertainty. Coming to terms with death can be a lifelong process. We may find different answers at different stages of our lives, or we may always feel a sense of uncertainty and fear. If we have unresolved fears and questions, we may wonder how to provide comforting answers for our children.

While not all our answers may be comforting, we can share what we truly believe. Where we have doubts, an honest, “I just don’t know the answer to that one,” may be more comforting than an explanation which we don’t quite believe. Children usually sense our doubts. White lies, no matter how well intended, can create uneasiness and distrust. Besides, sooner, or later, our children will learn that we are not all knowing, and maybe we can make that discovery easier for them if we calmly and matter-of-factly tell them we don’t have all the answers. Our non-defensive and accepting attitude may help them feel better about not knowing everything also.

Answer 2

The idea of an afterlife doesn't have to be specific to one religion - nor does reincarnation. At 5 years old, most children are impressionable, but not necessarily to the point there they assosciate everything that they're told with religion. There's the old metaphor of 'crossing the rainbow bridge', and it's entirely up to you what you want to say is on the other side, but you don't have to name it as heaven. Whenever you see a rainbow come out, that's when all the people who've died are making the journey over to the other side. As rainbows are so colourful, children are always fascinated by them - as it's a positive rather than a negative image, this should take the edge off any fear they may have.

Explain that dying happens when people are really really old or very poorly, and it's like their body goes to sleep forever (although emphasise that being asleep doesn't mean you're going to die), but all the people they know who are still alive are sad for a little while, but they get together and remember all the good times and say nice things about them and listen to their favourite music. Across the rainbow bridge, the sun is always shining, and there are lots of nice things to eat, lots of games to play, and you get to meet up with all the people who've crossed the bridge before you, including all your pets. Paint an imaginary picture of whatever you think they'd like to hear.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I have had the same thing with my son, he lost both grandads and it really effected him. I am not really religious either but I do think that reincarnation might exist, as energy has to go somewhere!
I told him that he is still so very young and that it I believe death is a part of life, no body knows for real what happens but that does't mean its bad.
Tell him that when people do die it is usually because they were old and ill or had lived a long,long happy life, but just became to tired to keep going, but that they can still pop and have a look to check in on us left behind, it's a difficult one, good luck.

Answer 4

I tell my children that when you die there are people waiting there to help you. My mother has died so that is a comfort that she is there. But I also tell them that there are kids who die, cancers etc. and they are there also, to help them find their way, you are not alone in this life or the next what ever it holds, no one knows for sure but I believe that people stay together in the next life, so who ever goes first will be waiting for you. If you have no family there, there are those who are waiting for their families and they will be with you.

I was raised religious and my kids are not and we have talked about this, I told them the different theories on it and said, you just choose what you think makes the most sense, this is what I believe, and you just put your faith in it, because we do not know until we are there, but you will not be alone.

My kids are 6 and 8 and my 6 yr old recently went through this since my mom has died (before they were born) and my grandma is getting very feeble and had to move out of her home and I just told her what I said above and reassured her it is ok to be afraid, but you have to put your faith (I do not believe faith just has to be religious, anything you believe but do not know for sure, is faith) in what you believe.

My kids know that sometimes children or young adults die, we watch a lot of specials on Discovery Health and my neice had cancer at a young age, and I think you just have to be honest about it and not let them believe that only old people die, usually that is the case, but it can happen. And any time they are worried we talk about it. They also see it on TV, we do not watch the news with our kids, but with the war they have heard about people's daddy or mommy dying and death is a part of life, if you take a calm approach to it, they handle it much better.

Answer 5

With a little child, NEVER associate dying with going to sleep. Emphasise that they are not going to die any time soon and that they have a long and full life ahead of them. If you are religious (and even if you're not,) tell them about Heaven and what a wonderful place it is but don't make it sound imminent. When a pet dies, just explain that the living part of it it has left this earth and gone to a happy place.

Answer 6

Its just like falling asleep only you dont wake up...


Life is for living as much as you can before that.


Also (careful on how you say this one) death is a good thing for many people in pain and suffering as when dead you feel no more pain.

If people did not die then what? too many people, everyone would get all old and senile like those who have lost it and bits dont work any more.

Or those so lonley all mate ahve died.

Then it can be a good thing, bit like going to sleep so it does not hurt any more.



But in the mean time have all the fun you can.


Id loose all the relgious crap. Leads to things like sexsim, homophobis, being mean to nice witches, relgious wars, power to bad people etc etc.


If you want to do any reglious stuff try wicca...No Im not one... Just it comes accross nicests. Like the 60s hippy flower people minus the drugs.


No nastiness regarding sexaulity or notions of sin... Just as long as you hurt none do as you will a bit like the Jesus one of treat others as you would have them treat you,.


But leave things like god for the stroy books like Hercules and Zena with Aphrodite goddess of kissing and love and stuff

Answer 7

It's a phase they go through.
I used tell my girls that dying is not to be feared. What will be will be.
I am in no way religious, so a god never came into it.
They weren't too curious for the ins and outs.
It passes.
Perhaps watch The Lion King together so he can learn about the circle of life?
It's a good film for youngsters. The death in it is handled quite positively.

Answer 8

I remember going through that when I was about 12, I used to sit in bed worrying about dying. It was just a phase though and it passed quickly, I think it will with your son to.
As for the advice, I'm with your Hubby as I believe in an after life.

Answer 9

Fear and death are synonymous, and fear inhibits one to stop enjoying the greatness of life itself. So if I were you, I'd help him convert his fear to fulfillment in his day-to-day life. For example, help him make a simple home made dinner for granny and grandpa. Let him realise that instead of living in fear, he should learn to not only cherish the moment but also bring joy to himself and others by doing something special.

If you want words of wisdom, tell him that he can only control 40% of things in life and the other 60% of things just happen (Like a winter storm or a rainy day). Let him know that death is not within our control, so be a positive example to him and guide him to focus on the 40% of what is within control-- Focus on life!

Sometimes you can’t just explain something like this, just lead the way by using analogies or inspiring stories. Share with him how amputees who’ve met with near death experiences still gain the courage to climb Mt. Everest with a prosthetic limb.

I think you get where I’m going with this, I’m confident you’ll find a way to help your boy though this. Best of luck!

Answer 10

Oh, i experienced this with a little girl i was looking after. I was tucking her into bed, and she came out with "i don't want to die" and then started crying. I just comforted her and told her that for every person that dies, a beautiful baby is born. And that every living thing is born, has a life, and then dies. And that it's up to you to have a brilliant life and enjoy it. I think she understood. Because her granny had just died, but her friend had a new baby sister. It's nature. That's how things work. Does that seem a little harsh? I don't know. It worked for me. As long as you're honest but kind with them, they tend to understand.