How do I deal with the lack of grandparenting in my daughter's life?

Question

My daughter is 2 years old, and still has my husband's Mother, but she is getting older and has some health issues,so she is limited in what she can do with our daughter. My parents are in their early 60s, and like to be involved from a "distance", i.e. send her a little gift here and there, but don't come and visit (they live in Kansas, we live in Texas) much, and have made it clear that they will not babysit her alone if and when they come down, or if we come up there. This last weekend was my class reunion in Kansas, and we had to leave my daughter down here in Texas because they did not want to keep her for the weekend. They haven't seen her since Christmas! This hurts me deeply, but I know I will never change them. I'm trying not to let it eat at me, but it's difficult, especially when I see all my friends' parents JUMP at the chance to get their hands on their grandkids. How do I cope??

Lidakomo, you misread my information. I never said she COULDN'T stay at their house. I WANTED her to, but THEY said they didn't want to keep her!

They have 12 other grandchildren, ages ranging from 13-7. They have been "decent" grandparents to them, but I feel they have "petered-out" at this point with my 2 year old, because they are choosing not to be as involved.

I'm not an only child. Uh, NO, there is no concern on whether I would abandon my child at their house. I live in another state, so I don't ask them to babysit often.

Answer 1

Speaking from my experience as a child without maternal/paternal grandparents being a part of my life due to their ages and/or health issues, I can honestly say that it did have an effect on me. I'm sure most people would automatically assume it to be negative, however, it's not. It was difficult growing up and there were times I felt cheated or left out. But with the help of my parents, I soon outgrew those selfish immature thoughts of "why don't my grandparents love me". They loved me, they just had a different way of showing it. I just needed time to mature and to understand the type of love they were able to give. There are so many different definitions of love.

With my parents' guidance as a child, the long-lasting effect of my childhood without active grandparents has become a very positive wonderful part of my life. I am now a grandparent, or should I say a "Nana", to three beautiful blessings from God (ages 4, 3 and 2). I cannot express in words the love or the relationships I share with my babies, and how our love and relationships continually grow every day. There have been times my own kids get kinda jealous. LOL I think my childhood experience has made me look at being a grandparent differently. I don't just want my babies to know I love them, I want to be a role-model and/or confidant to them as well. I am so very grateful that my health and age isn't a factor at this time. I only hope it stays that way.

With positive parental reassurance throughout your daughter's childhood of her grandparents' love, she too will grow knowing her grandparents loved her, only they were limited in showing it to some degree due to their health and/or age. Positive will come out positive in the long-run. Good luck

Answer 2

Just like not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not everyone is comfortable with being a grandparent. Are you an only child? Are your parents trying to enjoy their "twilight years" without the responsibility of children? Are they afraid you might just drop her off and not come back? These are issues that seniors have to consider when it comes to grandchildren. And while my mother would have been happy to have her grandchildren right up under her all the time, I don't mind babysitting, but not on a regular basis. It sounds like your issues are more "me" than your parents.

Answer 3

Not everyone is cut out to be a grandparent (or parent for that matter). Your parents may feel as if they've "done their time" with kids. My mom was the same way. She raised 4 kids and was tired and not as enthusiastic as I thought she would be. Try not to take it personal, although I know that's hard.
Why don't you find a retirement home near your house and "adopt" a grandparent? There are so many elderly people living in retirement homes who would love to be involved in your family. It might take some time to get to know the right person for this but it would bring joy to more than one persons life.

Answer 4

I have the same problem. My mum and stepdad live miles away so only see my kids every few months. But they would like to see more of them but it's the distance so I do feel for them. So my kids miss out on my mum. Then my dad just doesn't want to know so that's him out of the picture. Then my husbands parents just get in touch when they feel like it and my kids have seen them 3 times this year. I understand your frustration as this is something that makes me so annoyed. Especially like you said when I see other grandparents always with their grandkids. I feel that my kids miss out on a lot. But as long as they've got me and my husband's love and attention I am sure they are happy enough....as is the same for your daughter.

Answer 5

So your issue isn't really your daughter, its your parents. I hate to tell you this but it happens all the time. I had three sets of grandparents (father died when I was a child and mom remarried), not one of them cared at all about me or my siblings. My own parents played favorites, were involved with my sisters and brothers kids, but not mine. My mother used the excuse that we were better parents so they didn't have to spend so much time with them. My in law's lived out of town and my MIL died when they were young, my ex FIL is an evil black hearted SOB who won't have a thing to do with them.

So your daughter will be fine, but you need to resolve your feelings of resentment that your parents don't want to be involved in your life. Tell them that you expect more from them, and you want them in her life. Tell them that you are hurt and disappointed with their decision. Also tell them that when your daughter gets older, you are going to simply tell her the truth and that when they get old enough to rewrite history (and they will), that she will know that they preferred not to be in her life. Then walk away from it, you don't have any control over what people do, you just can't allow it to hurt you. Good luck.

Answer 6

I can imagine how much that must hurt! I'm sorry your parents are acting that way.

You might want to sit down with them and tell them how hurt you are and why... They may not know it's affecting you in that way. And if they're unwilling to change, at least you'll know, and you can work on accepting the situation for what it is.

Answer 7

Sorry they hurt your feelings. Maybe they just feel like they have raised their family, and now it is your turn. It is hard to believe but sometimes you can't go on worrying about it. Just take things as they come. If you are close enough maybe you could simply ask why they feel this way. Good Luck.

Answer 8

since you have told them that they will never be able to babysit her alone, you have only made it more difficult for them to have a relationship with her. my mother is the same way and she lives in the same town as i do. i jump at every opportunity i can so she has a relationship with my girls. it seems that you sort of allowed it by not letting your daughter stay the night at grandma's house.

Answer 9

well alot of parents don't kids & maybe don't wanna deal with their (kids) problem, i known't know what to tell you, since your parents don't like kids