What to do about 23 year old daughter?

Question

She lives in a house I own.
Does not pay rent or utilities even when she had a job.
Has no job at the present she is picky about what job she gets, is lazy and don't want to work very hard. She has had jobs and is good at them.
I have taken her around to places to find a job, get applications, she forgets to take them back.
She was going to some classes and was going to quit because she has to get caught up on her college loan to finish it, so I think she quit the classes (which I paid $200 for).
I paid her water bill because it was shut off and the electricity because it was about to be shut off. I am afraid I will be stuck with the bill anyway, since I am the landowner.
I don't want to kick my own child out on the street. I would let her move back "home" but I don't have high speed internet she needs to play her online games.
I need some ideas from experienced people. Are there any other kids who are doing this or other parents who are experiencing this

Answer 1

By doing these things for your daughter, you are enabling her to continue to make poor choices.

She is an adult. I understand that you don't want to throw her out. So, give her an ultimatum instead. You are her landlord.
So, what would you expect from a tenant? Draw up a contract that states she must pay all utilities in full by their due date each month. If the water and the utilities are in your name, you are responsible, but if they are in her name, she is. Write every thing down that you expect from her as a tenant.

For example, don't put she must work. If Joe Shmoe were living in the house and paid rent and utilities, it wouldn't matter if he had a job or a welfare check as long as his stuff was paid. Take the same approach with her.

Put a clause in the contract that states if more than one month of rent/utilities is not paid, she will have to vacate the premises.

Then- and this is the hard part- follow through and do not bail her out. She probably won't pay because she won't think you're serious. If she doesn't, evict her. She is an adult and she WILL figure it out without your support.

It's hard when it's your child, but you're allowing this behavior to continue. There is a point in time when you have to stop doing that.

Answer 2

Honestly, the reason she continues in her behavior is because you keep bailing her out.

My advice is to start charging her rent, something reasonable. Have her sign a contract with you stating that if she does not pay the rent on time, she will be evicted (just like the "real world"). This will more than likely give her the motivation she needs to get a job (because she has to keep her place to live!!)

They key to this is you must stop enabling her and ask for the support of other family members in doing the same. Simple, if she doesn't pay, she's out on her own.

More than likely she will get mad and yell at you, say you don't love her etc. Remember you are showing her real love in helping her be a successful, independent individual. Continue to assist her emotionally and have her over for dinner once a week. Basically, continue to show her you care. If she get entirely angry and bolts (which you do run the risk of - but honestly can you mentally and monetarily afford NOT to take that risk?) If she bolts and finds another place to live she'll be in for an even bigger shock on the cost of living entirely on her own and realize how good she had it with you. Some people need to "learn the hard way" so take heart...

There's a quote by Einstein? maybe? that says "Only a fool does the same thing over and over again expecting different results". If you want your daughter to change her ways, you must start doing things differently.

Answer 3

I know you love your child, but she needs to be back at home. At the very least, the money you're dishing out for her bills is money you can put toward broadband access (that's like what $50 a month TOPS and there's plenty of deals out there where you can get it as low as $15 a month). Just b/c it's dial-up doesn't mean she can't use the internet. It will be slower, but it still works.

I've been in her situation before (around the same age as your daughter in fact) and my mother helped me out. But, she did not enable me (I had to pay my own bills) which is kind of what you are doing. Helping her out is pointing her in the right direction. Supporting her through these tough times in her life. Even forcing her to move back home.

Enabling her is letting her get away with not paying her own bills in your house. Her quitting or getting fired for being lazy is unacceptable. Her job at this point should be doing things around the house whether it's cooking, cleaning, filling out job applications and KEEPING THE JOB. At the very least, if she doesn't want to do any of that, she needs to be back in school and she can get a job on campus (and continue to look for one). That will stop the student loans for a moment and she can gain a new skill.

That's what I did anyway.

Answer 4

She will ride the gravy train as long as you keep giving her the free ride. I know she is your daughter, but she is 23, not a baby anymore.By her age, I had a college degree, bought several cars, a house,etc. all without a dime from my parents. They would never have helped me so I had no choice but to grow up and be responsible for me. You have to work to pay her bills which isn't fair. But, you are the one that taught her that you will put up with it so she will probably be 33 and still doing this. Better try some tough love. Give her 60 days to get a job and start paying her own way.(Which is PLENTY of time) If not,tell her she is out and rent your little house and use the money to pay off the debt your daughter has bequeathed to you.You have to draw the line and keep up with the consequences or else she will be a "lazy" (your words) mooch forever.

Answer 5

This is where tough love comes in. Is there anywhere else in the world where she can live rent free and her biggest concern is the speed of her Internet? You are doing both her and you a disservice by allowing her to refuse to act like an adult. She needs to know the responsibility of taking care of her bills, which requires a job. Being a grown up sucks and she needs to learn that. Think about this, what if something happened and you weren't there to take up her slack? How would she survive? I would sit down and draw up a lease just like you would anyone else and lay it out for her. She has to do whatever it takes to make her rent and pay her bills or she has to find somewhere else to live. All that is going to happen if things continue as is is heartache for everyone.

Answer 6

Ok i am 25 , and while its kind what you have done, over all now your actully making it worse. Give your daughter a 30 day notice either she gets a job and starts paying for bills or else she has to move back home with you and deal with the lack of high speed. As the tenet of that house if the bills are in her name then she alone is responsible for them. If they are still in your name inform her you are switching them to her name , they will be her responseability from now. If they get shut off they wont be back on untill she pays them if she lets it go a couple of months and trys to come to your house for a shower or other things tell her no. right now she needs some tough love and stricter rules. I wish you the best and hope your daughter relizes how great you have been to her and how she needs to wake up.

Answer 7

She needs to grow up, she is using you. I can NOT believe you actually say you can't let her move back home because you don't have high speed internet and she needs online games... I think it would be cheaper to get high speed internet at your house than pay to support her... I would tell her you are going to have to kick her to the curb. Tell her you can no longer afford for her to live there. Your having financial problems... That you are strapped out and then call up your realtor and arrange to rent it to a paying tenant. She will get the picture. This business of applications and not turning them in is something like dealing with a teenager only she is a grown woman NOT a child. Stop making excuses. Sit her down AND talk to her....

I'm sorry because you have a serious problem But you are ENABLING HER!!!

Answer 8

Mom, she's taking advantage of the situation. It's a hard situation though since it's your credit that will get messed up if the bills aren't paid.
You need to quit babying her, ie. taking her to get apps, etc., and tell her she has X amount of time to get a job and at least help out with the bills or she is out. And if you don't want to kick her out, make her move to your house, she can pay for highspeed internet out of her check from her new job, and then you can rent out that house, or do whatever you would do with it, w/o her in it.

The thing about doing this is you HAVE to follow through. She is 23, she will listen IF you follow through, but it sounds like there has been a lot of issues in the past that have lead up to her feeling like it's ok to take advantage of you.

When I lived in a home my parents owned I paid the majority of the bills. I didn't pay rent, and I was lucky that they were willing to let me live ther rent free, as is your daughter, but I was working full time and helping out as much as I could.

She needs to grow up and act like an adult.
And, as long as she is in school she shouldn't have to be paying back school loans yet. She can get them deferred or s/thing like that.

Answer 9

Her #1 problem is her mother is an enabler. She doesn't need to play online games, she needs to get a freakin' job! She doesn't "forget" to apply for a job, she has no intention of getting a job because you're always there to foot the bill.

If I were you, I'd allow her to come back home, work and pay a small amount of rent to you. Rent out the property and offer to help her pay for college courses as long as her grades remain satisfactory. If she flunks or bails out even one semester, deal is off.

Answer 10

You've got no one to blame but yourself.
Who's the parent and who's the child?
And if you're asking us, you need help more than she does.
Oh she won't move back in cause she can't play computer games ? Are you kidding me?
Do you hear yourself?
You better take a long look at yourself.
What's wrong with her is YOU !
Until you start acting like a parent instead of a doormat or her 'friend', she won't grow up.
As my great grandmother (rest her soul) used to say
"Let the children cry. Because when the parents cry, it's too late."