Bridesmaid-zilla continued......?

Question

Awhile ago I posted a question asking what I should do with an outrageously nasty bridesmaid (my fiancee's cousin, whom I graciously asked to have stand with me). None of us had any inkling what the spoiled rotten prick would do. Long story short, she verbally trashed everything we planned, complained about the dresses, the rehearsal, our decision to have a Jack & Jill, etc..). I had asked if I should give her the boot or talk to her and tell her how I feel. Well, I sent her an email since she can't return a phone call. Only to find out she twisted all of my words around, and told everyone she felt left out of the planning and me and my bridesmaids are doing everything without her ( we haven't done anything but go to the fittings and have lunch - which she refused to join), and that I'm not letting my fiancee have a stag (not true - we decided to have a big beach bbq for all of our friends instead), and has basically twisted everything around to look like I'm leaving her out of things, and now her mother is on my case. This is really hurting me (so hard to explain in words how I am),but I'm one of the most easygoing people ever, I haven't asked anyone to do anything, and I let the bridesmaids choose what they felt comfortable with. I guess I really don't know what to do - I haven't had anyone treat me like this since grade school! If I did something to provoke it, I'd admit it, but I'm lost. I have continuosly tried to get in touch with her, but she says she has a baby and has no time to do anything. But yet she's twisting the truth, saying I'm excluding her. Asking her to step down is not an option now - it would probably cause more strain. My fiancee's mother is also battling cancer and I don't want her to have any grief. But this is supposed to be such a happy time, and one person is making it unhappy. I don't think I can control myself if I try to talk to her. Do I ignore her until the wedding (4 months, and we rarely see her), or is that poor etiquitte on my part? Or should I allow my other bridesmaids, who are now furious with her, to follow through on their threats of itching powder...etc...how would you handle it?

Thanks for all the answers so far :)...just to clarify - she hasn't been left out of anything, but is covering her rotten behavior by saying so. I have spoken to her and when I do - I get a zinger. My fiancee has already let her have it. Plus, I don't need to explain anything to her mother - I'm 30 years old, and bridesmaid-zilla is 27. Also, booting her out isn't an option, it would cause alot more stress, particularly on my fiancee's mother, who as I said, is battling cancer. I don't want it to go down like that. At this point, my fiancee is going to call her one more time, as she hasn't had anything to do with me. Believe me, I'm no wimp, and I don't let anyone walk all over me, it's just that this is a delicate situation, and one I want to handle with class. Maybe one more sitdown with myself, my fiancee, and her will change it (sheesh, how many times do I have to do it - lol - with no mommies involved!!) Thanks you guys!

Answer 1

Wow ... sounds like you've got quite a mess on your hands. This would definitely be a good time to bring in your fiance and try to reason with his cousin. If you have documentation of everything (emails since she doesn't do phone calls) bring that with you and meet with her. Make her create time for you both and explain how things are going. There is no reason why you should be so stressed out for the most important day of your life. However, since she is not on your side of the family, you'll need your fiance there to help out and back you up. Talk with him first and get yourself together so you can go to her and present your story. If this girl has a baby and is telling her mom to fight her fight for her, then she has some issues ... again, there is no reason to include the added stress. It might make a few people upset (namely her and her mother) but that seems like a small price to pay.

Answer 2

I agree with some of the other posts, absolutely sit down & have a heart to heart with her. Sometimes you just need to clear the air. After talking with her, if you don't feel she is on the same page as you, then by all means tell her you wont be including her in the wedding party. As for your other bridesmaids, that is wonderful that they are being so protective towards you, but maybe let them know that they can relax & focus on what is most important~ peacefully celebrating the beginning of a life together for you and husband to be!! Really, it is a stressful time leading up to a wedding, but don't allow someone else's poor behavior take away from such a happy & joyous life event. Take a big breath, and remember to enjoy and be emotionally present in all the fun things that are coming ahead for you, that is really what is going to matter in the long run.

Answer 3

Let your other bridesmaids follow through (hehe). Actually, I think the best thing would be to sit down with her, her mother, and your fiance and explain why you are upset. Don't battle over whose fault things are, just say "I realize there is a problem and I don't want our relationship to start off on a bad foot" and then explain your perception of how you are trying to include her and ask her what she feels needs to be done so she doesn't feel left out. You fiance should be there to show he supports your decisions should she or her mother start trying to cast blame. Her mother should be there 1. to show you are not ganging up on her daughter and 2. so she can hear the same thing and get off your case. It's a tough situation and unfortunately she shouldn't have to be told these things but you certainly don't want a disgruntled bridesmaid ruining your wedding. Perhaps asking her to bring a letter voicing her side of the story for you to read and bringing your own for her to read would be helpful.

Answer 4

Don't ignore her.

But DO put your foot down. Call her and tell her in no uncertain terms what exactly you expect from her over the next few months. Don't forget to tell her that if she has a problem with what you're doing, that she has two choices - one choice is to make a suggestion as to how it could be done better - the other choice is to keep her mouth closed. Whining and complaining are not part of either of these options.

Then, call her mother, and tell her mother that what she heard was wrong, and that if she has any questions about your behavior, she should act like a grown up and come to you about it, instead of acting like a 12-year old and encouraging this pathetic behavior.

I dunno what this woman is thinking, but it's not the bridesmaid's job to help you plan the wedding...it's her job to be there, and do what you say she's supposed to do, with a smile on her face the whole time.

Stop letting her drag you back into childhood. Act like an adult, and let them know that you expect the same behavior from her.

Answer 5

Ugh!!! You poor thing! You were doing something nice for a family member and got burned soooooo badly! I'm sorry this person is doing this. Can you invite her to lunch and talk with her and your fiance. Talk to him ahead of time and have him there as a moderator. He can help keep you calm and your emotions in check. He can also help with hitting all your points of irritation with her. If she won't reason then I wouldn't say anything to your bridesmaids other than "don't do anything that would ruin my day." Would asking her to do a reading instead of being a bridesmaid be a possibility? That way she really isn't part of the wedding party and she could plan what reading she wants to do (as long as you approve it!!!).

Good luck!

Answer 6

If you want, send her an email (keep a copy of it) explaining all of what you just said. "Dear, Bridemaid from Hell (Her real name would probably be more appropriate) I was talking to your mom the other day and she said that you were feeling left out of the planning. What's the matter? Is there something in particular that you felt left out of? Please let me know because I really want to include you, but I thought that you were just busy with (work, the kids, school) at the moment. Please get back to me- Love, The Beautiful Bride (Your name would also be appropriate hah)"

...then when she writes back, act accordingly. If she's still pulling her little act, and her mom speaks up again, tell her all about your email and how you've been trying. If this doesn't work, I would suggest asking her if she still wants to be in the wedding, but be prepared for her to make that into a whole big fiasco too.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!!

Answer 7

There's an old saying that I try to live by when dealing with difficult people - - "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."

Your first step is to find out what is making your future cousin-in-law act like a crazy lady. Remember, this woman is going to be in your family from this day forward. Just kicking her to the curb (or torturing her with itching powder) is not going to make future family events pleasant.

Are all of the other bridesmaids your friends? She may just be feeling like the "odd-man-out" and she's exhibiting this in a very immature way. It sounds like she's really hard to get a hold of. Call her up and say "Nicki (or whatever her name is), I know you've been really busy, but I really need to talk to you about the wedding. I'm coming to see you on Saturday at 10 am. Let me know if there's a time that will work better for you."

I know that others suggested taking someone with you, but I think it might be better to sit down with her alone. It will be hard, but you can do it. If it's just the two of you, she will feel less defensive. Just say, "Can I be open and honest with you?" She'll say, "Of course you can." And then say something like "All of this drama about my wedding plans is really breaking my heart. I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot. Help me understand where you're coming from."

Listen to what she says without interupting or getting defensive yourself (it will be hard, but you can do it!) and then repeat back to her what you heard her say. If you're lucky, it will be really clear what issue has crawled up her butt and died. But, you'll probably need to ask more questions. I'd be willing to bet that she has misunderstood something that you have said or done and is taking it personally, or she just feels like a fifth wheel because she's not as close to you as the other bridesmaids. Or, maybe money's tight and she doesn't know how to tell you she can't be in the wedding, so she's trying to act like a fiend so she'll be kicked out. Or maybe she used to be on medication but got off of it to have the baby and now she's wack-o. Or maybe she's mentally still living in the fourth grade. Who knows? But, the more you try to understand where you're coming from, the better you'll know how to handle her.

Ain't it great to be a grown up? Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 8

Im sorry honey but this is your day. If she is going to be a brat, then she should be stripped of her crown. If she has not been fitted for a dress yet, I would tell her that I am demoting her and letting someone who respects me to be my bridesmaid. I mean, right now you have other bridesmaids that love you, and even they are frustrated. I would never 'put up with it' just to avoid conflict. That's how families end up with those types of people in the first place. Things should be happy, like you said. If someone is ruining it for you then they should be dealt with and not allowed to do whatever they want.

Answer 9

You are being too nice. Don't let her walk all over you. Tell the truth to her mother and that she is out of the wedding. She is ruining an otherwise happy time for you. Do you want her even in your wedding pictures. Then just screen her calls, and do not answer.

You are not causing your fiancee's mother grief, she is.

Answer 10

i am not sure if i read if you kicked her out or not, but you should in any event. weddings are stressful enough and she is just making it worse. she is making problems just so she can have attention on her. but i would not let my other bridesmaids "do" anything to her (as much as i would want them to). i would just ignore her and go on planning.

i think all brides worry too much about being a bridezilla, that we all looked crazed. but until someone has gotten married, they do no know that after all you have gone through planning something, then the napkins ARE NOT RIGHT, you do cry and throw a fit. :P i support you 100 percent