Grieving the loss of my Mom?

Question

My Mom lost her battle to Ovarian Cancer a month ago today. Right after she past I did cry, and felt that I missed her, but part of me couldn't fully let go and release my emotions. I still think I was in the 'staying strong mode' - like how I was when I was by her side as she battled this merciless disease. My sister and I kept saying, we're sad now, but everyone around us is falling apart. Is there something wrong with us? A few people have said that one day it will really hit you -- like you ran into a brick wall.. and then you crumble. I did the Relay for Life on Friday and was so pround of myself, as were others. But, yesterday and today (the 1 month annivresary of her death) I feel tons anger, and great sadness. I'm wondering if it is truly hitting me now. I was doing so well. Do you think that I am regressing? Or do you think that it is normal that I'm feeling this right now -- after I thought I was doing okay.

Answer 1

I am a Mom, and a cancer patient. I personally would like to thank you for caring for another with cancer. I KNOW how hard it was for you to watch. I see that same look in my children's eyes. You are NOT alone in your grief. I am here, a mama who understands, and you may email me whenever you feel the need. I will answer always. We moms stick together.

There are three stages of grief, just like there are stages of accepting a terminal illness. The first stage is denial or (numbness) because you just can't believe it's really true. The second is anger (where you are at now) at the cruelness of this disease and the fact that she has passed. The third stage is acceptance (knowing it happened and that you can't change it no matter how bad you want to). Once you reach the final stage, which will come when you least expect it, you will start to come to the "other side" of grief. You will be able to think about your mama with smiles instead of tears. I pray that comes soon for you dear. Remember that she loved you with all her heart and would have stayed with you forever if she could have. She will remain in your memory and heart forever. Cancer can't take your memories of her, EVER. When you get sad, go ahead and cry. It helps. When you need to talk...reach out sweetie, we are here. Your mom just may have put us in your path. :0)

Answer 2

I think every day forever may be very hard. I can't imagine -
I am not super close to my mom - but my dad - and I nearly lost him two years ago and we just lost my husbands uncle (A wonderful man who was 75 yet died to fast of cancer)
I think anger, and sadness are all part of it - and you may hear a song, smell a smell that triggers a real memory - right now you are likely still coping with the reality - it's the first christmas or her birthday or mothers day that may always pain you.
Perhaps though something about her will pop up like a flower or a bird or something to make you smile and know she's "there"?? It's odd my husbands mom just lost her brother and someone planted planters at her house and put in an orange flower as a filler she balked that she never saw this flower before yet the day of his funeral we were having breakfast and a pot of those orange flowers were on the table (we smiled)!
Doing relay for life or just having a sister is ultra special -
some day if/when you are a mom (perhaps already?)
the real deal of motherhood will be in your heart too -
I have no idea how people cope and no words soothe?
I am sure some days are harder then others and time will heal and hurt ??? Sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about your mother. I don't think their is any "normal" or "abnormal" way to grieve, so you shouldn't worry about how you are feeling. If you weren't able to move on with your life after a reasonable amount of time that might be different and you might need some outside help, but this doesn't seem like your case at all.

My father died from pancreatic cancer at age 55 in 1985 when I was 23, and my mother died from breast cancer (after 20 years) at age 73 in 2004. For some reason I found it worse with my father, but maybe because I was younger and it was a lot more unexpected. Eventually it gets a lot easier, but 1 month is such a short time, probably after a year things will be a lot better. It is still tough for me because I'm living where I grew up, so I have a lot of reminders of my parents. For me the worst is when I think about some of the upsetting things that happened shortly before they died. I try not to think about those things but it can't be avoided completely. I'll also have strange dreams where my mother or father (usually my mother now) are in the dream and they are usually ill from their cancer in some way, but they are sort of alive and dead at the same time - they are alive in the dream, but while I'm dreaming I also realize that they are dead.

Answer 4

That's great you did the Relay for Life, I also did this :) Then you were probably too overcome by shock, and now it is fully hitting you, because you realize all that is happening ... but stay strong! You can not change the past, and there is nothing you can do about cancer once it has taken those you love ... my aunt has brain cancer, and she may not make it too longer either. You just have to know that she loved you, that you did all you could for her when she was alive, and life will always go on :) I'm sure she was really proud of you!

Answer 5

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer 13 years ago and have come to the conclusion that grief is cyclical, not linear. You don't (or at least I don't) progress through the stages of grief and then come out the other end, somehow all done with grieving! Sometimes I still cry; sometimes I miss her so much I can't stand it. But those days are much farther and fewer between than they used to be. I think you are completely normal, if there is such a thing. We all process differently! Of all the things to worry about, don't worry about whether or not you are fitting somebody else's definition of how to grieve. What could be more personal and more impossible to control? I will never get over the loss of my mother. My life is forever changed. But my life is not over. Blessings on you and your family!

Answer 6

I was only 24 when I lost my mother. It was very tramatic. My father also re-married about 1 1/2 years later. So I have some idea what you are dealing with. It was 20 years ago last month. It's not easy to deal with all of it. Don't worry about not being there at the end - or at the funeral. Your mother knew you loved her and that is all that matters. As for what to do now, live your life to the fullest. It is the best way to honor your mother. When the bad times come (and they will for several years), take time to cry and deal with the depression. If you have siblings, rely on them for a shoulder to cry on. If not, turn to your close friends. They will be there for you if they are true friends. As for your father... Is his new wife a nice lady? If so, cherish the fact that he has found companionship with someone who is decent and loving. If she is a nice person, try to build a friendship with her. She will never be your mother - and should never try to be. However, if she loves your father and makes him happy, then you should be able to build a friendship with her. It could even bring you and your father closer. I was not so lucky. My father's new wife was psychologically imbalanced. It drove a wedge between my father and I that lasted for the duration of the marriage. The marriage failed after 3 years and he spent the rest of his life alone - and lonely. Good luck - and hang in there. It will get better in time.

Answer 7

Awww sweetie, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mummie. I lost my mum in 1995 , right after Thanksgiving :( I was 23. I was so upset and lost. My dad passed away when I was 16, its been almost 19yrs.
I still get sad and angry, upset and I cry. Its normal for you to feel that way, you are not regressing. Its only been a month sweetie. If you feel that you are having a hard time coping and dealing , you should talk to a doctor.

God Bless

Answer 8

i lost my mother 5 years ago.. i go thru phases. i am "ok" then something or someone will spark a "bad" time. after only 1 month id say you are completely normal. the worst for me is around holidays and mothers day. i was always the "strong" one and the one that held it together. I would only "let down" when i was alone. there is nothing that anyone can say or do to fix it. be true to yourself and do what feels right for you. grieving is different for everyone and it is normal to go from high to low. talk when you need to and just do what you need to feel better. many say that you will learn to live with it, but after 5 years i dont know if i am even at that point. it is always there, just not as raw. good luck.

Answer 9

I lost my mother several years ago to lung cancer. Although I felt the pain right away everyone is different. Sometimes the emotions will come up around holidays,anniversary's or birthdays. Especially the holidays your mother liked to celebrate. Each person grieves differently. I had to go back to work right away to keep myself sane. Your are perfectly normal to fell the way you feel. Don't ever feel like its wrong to feel anything at anytime. We each have our own ways of dealing with our pain. I'm so sorry for your loss and know that it will get better with time. Try to remember the good times with your mom. You are okay!

Answer 10

It's normal. :)
I just lost a friend although it wasn't from Cancer.
The first couple of days I didn't cry until yesterday.
I cried my eyes out but it did feel good.
I'm very sorry for your mother.
At least she doesn't have to be in pain anymore.
It's normal to cry when someone you loved died and it's sort of true when they say one day it's hit you like a ton of bricks when you finally realize that they're gone.
You're doing okay.
Just do something to express the emotions that you feel by listening to music or writing in a journal.
It'll make you feel a lot better.
:)