My fiancé is insisting on inviting her ex to our wedding. I told her that this will make me uncomfortable but she says she wants her friend there. She is friends with his wife. Now I know she will not cheat on me and if she did it would not be with him but I still feel uncomfortable about him being there. She says that I am not taking into account how she would feel telling one of her friends that they can not come to our wedding. I suggested his wife come with her brother or a friend and she said that she won’t come without her husband.
I am looking into buying a weekend getaway package to anonymously giving to them that would require them to be out of town that day. I am talking about a nice romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast near them. Is this being to sneaky? Being direct with her doesn't work. Being honest with her on how I feel and even admitting that my feelings are irrational doesn't work.
2007-06-25 07:11:12 · 50 answers · asked by Help!!!! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
You need to be honest - not getting off to a good start
why don't you trust her?
2007-06-25 11:13:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A secret vacation is a bad idea. It sounds like you two need help communicating. Of course she wants all her friends to be there, but you don't want the husband to be there. I think it would have been a good compromise to invite the friend to bring someone else. If she truly wants to see her friend get married, she'd leave her husband at home. Then it would be up to the friend to choose what is most important. However, it would seem that has been ruled out as an option. Perhaps your feelings are irrational, but your fiancee should respect them. Just as she says she had the "right" to have her friend at the wedding you have the "right" not to be bothered by someone at the wedding. You guys really need to talk this over and come to some better solution. Maybe you can work out why you don't want him there. Then either you can see that it is a silly reason that doesn't matter or she can see that it truly is a valid feeling and won't invite him. A couselor would be helpful here. Talk to whoever is marrying you. They will help you out.
2007-06-25 07:26:20 · answer #2 · answered by rosekm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'll give you thumbs up for the weekend trip idea. But really, would it be a waste of money? I think if the friend is as close as you say, she wouldn't miss this wedding for the world. I say let the friend-ex couple make up their own minds. Maybe the ex would be too embarrassed to even show up.
My sister had a situation to some relevance like this. She hated her husband's best man and was convinced that he would ruin the entire wedding. But her husband was too much of a nice guy to say no to the best man. Well, the wedding is over and guess what, my sister hasn't thought of this since. My point is that when you two are finally up on that alter staring only at each others' eyes, it doesn't matter who is in the audience.
2007-06-25 07:22:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Professional Advice ---
You are about to marry this woman. Do you really want to start your marriage off on this kind of deceit??? In the since that you dont want him there is completely understandable. I suggest that my clients not invite anyone that makes them uncomfortable. Regardless of her ties with the ex's wife. She was his ex before the wife came along. EX's are my BIGGEST NO NO's for weddings. Her friend, the ex's wife, would more than understand this. I highly doubt she was at their wedding. In your vows it does say "forsake all others". This simply means that all those people that you were in relationships with in the past are no longer a part of your life. You leaving the dating life behind and lcosing that door. the reason for closing that door is to end any temptation that may come. Its said to help you as a couple move forward to be happy. If she is using his wife as an excuse, then i would question why she is eager to hold on.
2007-06-25 07:55:19 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are being slightly irrational. There will always be someone at your wedding you are uncomfortable with. I don't think you'll even think about them once the wedding starts because you will be totally preoccupied. Plus, if you "anonymously" buy them a weekend getaway package, won't they obviously know it's just you being completely nervous about them showing up? How often do you get a weekend getaway package in the mail and not think it's some sort of scam. How would you let them know it was for real without them tearing it up first? That is really getting freaky, just accept the fact that they will be there, and try to ignore them.
2007-06-25 07:17:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
OK. You've told your fiance how uncomfortable you feel about this - yet she persists with the notion that her ex and his wife should come to the wedding. That's not nice. Not nice at all.
What does that say about how she feels about YOU?
I'd rethink marrying this girl since your feelings occupy such a low spot on her priority list.
I truly don't think she loves you. You're better off postponing the wedding until you can work this out. I see this as merely the tip of a very big ice berg - and harbinger of what's to come.
No. Rethink marrying her if she can't or won't take your feelings into consideration.
2007-06-25 07:57:08 · answer #6 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The weekend thing is kinda bad. I wouldn't go that far. If it is so important to you that you would drop a couple hundred bucks to keep them from being there, I think this requires more talk between you & your fiance. You have to be careful though with your choice of words.
Otherwise, someone earlier mentioned that you won't even see him...that is so true. You will be busy all night visiting different tables and thanking people. Unfortunately, you will be lucky if you get to spend any time with your bride after dinner.
If you want to avoid bickering about your wedding day, just let the invite go out. She doesn't seem to think of him that way anymore and her friend has done nothing to deserve being excluded. If you invite the wife then the husband must be invited too.
2007-06-25 07:23:58 · answer #7 · answered by Barbie K 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First, being sneaky like that is really shady and just don't do it. Second, you just said you admitted your feelings are irrational...so you need to deal with it or get help. How long have you been together? You say you know she won't cheat on you, so let it go. She wants her friend to be invited to the wedding, suck it up. And offering another date to her? You seem to be a little controlling by this whole thing...maybe you aren't, but in this case, its kind of crazy.
2007-06-25 08:59:12 · answer #8 · answered by its about time 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is it only me, or is the real issue here in the last line... where the writer states, "being direct ... doesn't work...Being honest...doesn't work." If you can look back at your relationship and see a pattern of this behavior, you might have something else to worry about. If it's only this issue, or only in relation to the wedding, no harm, no foul.
Still, on this issue, man up. It sounds like the ex has moved on and isn't likely to start up anything, so the odds of you even noticing his presence are pretty slim. It'd be nice if your future wife would respect your wishes, but it's not worth a fight.
2007-06-25 08:57:57 · answer #9 · answered by figmentmitty68 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why does it bother you so much that this guy will be there? You say you're not insecure, but you obviously are if you're willing to spend a bunch of money to send them away for a weekend somewhere to keep him from showing up.
Stop being insecure! She's marrying YOU! Invite him to the wedding yourself, so he can see what he lost, and who you found and will get to spend the rest of your life with! Most of all be civil, because treating someone she considers a friend will only put strain on the day, and ruin it for her. When the wedding day comes, both of you will be so busy and involved with one another you won't even know he's there.
2007-06-25 07:47:42 · answer #10 · answered by misguidedrose18 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the first respondent; I can see both sides of the issue. You can't "dis-invite" someone's husband, and inviting only the wife would be a bad idea all around. Ultimately, I have to come down on your fiance's side about this. You'll only see the ex that one day, and she would like to remain friends with the wife presumably for a long time. The focus will be on you, and your new bride; I can assure you that NOBODY will be paying any attention to the ex. I say invite the couple, and YOU concentrate on your bride, not the ex; I promise she'll be concentrating on YOU, and barely aware of who is there and who isn't!
2007-06-25 07:25:11 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋