How do you deal with step kids?

Question

I having problems with my wife’s kids, Stepson thinks everything is funny. Stepdaughter throw fits and destroys things. Both talks back to his mother, they do it to me. I straighten both of them out on the spot. Son thinks it is funny. My wife thinks I am being too hard on him. I told her, I refuse let a 7 year old, daughter and 13 year old, son disrespects any her or me in my house. I told her, he was on punishment for a week. Not even a full day she let him out to play. Because he was bored being inside the house. I told her stop being soft on him. She keeps telling he nerves shot, that why he smiles all the times. I told her the crap, when he does not get he way he start bang on the walls, punching and slamming doors in the house. I told her if punch a hole in my house. I will spank his behind. I grew up a house that you respected your parents and the house you live in. I love her kids but, since we been together for three years. They just think I suppose to give them everything. They mad because I cut off the computer (internet). I told my wife, the kids on the internet to long. They are not doing well in school. That when I found my wife told, I am only their friend not their daddy. How do you deal with step kids?

Answer 1

Lock them in the closet.

Answer 2

Most people here have given you VERY sound advice, you are the head of the household and you have a major say in how things should be, and so long as you are being reasonable then EVERYBODY should work together for peace in the family, including your wife, who it would seem has been too soft and in the long run will not have done her children any favors.
But just a little point I wanted to make, my step brother always used to laugh when getting told off by my mother, it was a nervous thing, not a disrespectful action, although it certainly looked that way, and would always make things worse. Try to remember times when as a child you have been unsure or reticent and see if you behaved irrationally. Maybe it will help you rise above his response.
Personally, I think you all need to sit down for a chat, so you can all say how you feel, but without animosity, and all write down ways to contribute to peace in the home. Then with each his own list, you will all have to stick to it. Try it.

Answer 3

Well I am a step mom. When being a step-parent you are NOT their real parent. As much as we like to think we are-we are not. The children don't look at us as a parent. You need to let your wife do the disciplining. BUT you need to have a united front on the issues. The children love pitting parents against each other even their real parents. About the son thinking everything is funny. My biological son used to laugh when he was nervous. That was the way he reacted to stress. Maybe your stepson is stressed. Its a possibility. Remember just because your wife chose you doesn't mean the children did. You should not be the disciplinarian. Your wife should. Don't be upset at her telling the kids that you are not their daddy. You really aren't. Be realistic. Maybe she was just trying to reconnect with her kids. You need to sit down with the kids and start giving and getting respect. Have a family talk about what should and should not happen in your household. That their mother and you will stick to each others decisions and they will stick to the rules or there will be a punishment. Their mother should always dole out the punishment. You should stay out of that area. It gets rough sometimes but in the long run they will respect you for not trying to be their FATHER. They have a father (good or bad) They need a friend (like a father) they can respect and that will respect them. You knew there was children when you married your wife. My stepson respects me and treats me like a second mom.(friend) Good Luck

Answer 4

You and your wife need to become a team and back each other no matter what. You two might try counseling for the two of you first, so you will know how to work through this. Try discussing different scenarios and how to deal with them and find something you can both compromise on and then stick to it no matter what. You are right about the being too soft thing. You wife may have some sort of guilt and lets them get away with stuff. She needs to figure out what that is.It will definitly take some time and patience, but it can be done.

Answer 5

First, i think you need to get things straight with your wife. You'll have to sit down with her and work out a system. If you tell the kids one thing, she can't go along behind you and change it, and vice versa. it sends a mixed message, and doesn't help the kids any. Second, make it clear that you will not tolerate disrespect. Tell her what you find disrespectful and why, then ask her why she thinks something is not disrespectful. If she is really thinking, then she will work with you to change something that you see as bad behavior. The children act that way because they get away with it. Point that out to her (if you haven't already). Also tell her that the comment about being only their friend and not their father might have hurt you, but you should also clamp down. Your house, your rules. If you aren't their daddy, then why are you taking care of them? It takes more than a donation to be someones dad, and since you are the one who is there, trying to raise and do right by them, then you are as much their father as anyone else.
If you can't bring your wife around, you aren't going to have much luck with the kids. Kids aren't stupid, and if there wasn't someone working against you, they would eventually see reason, but with you and your wife inadvertently working against each other, the kids will have no reason to change.

Answer 6

Forgive me for being blunt here, but the problem doesn't lie with your stepchildren, it lies with your wife. l mean no offense, but the two of you MUST get on the same page where these children are concerned. She needs to decide, are you a friend, or are you a father? BTW, l'm just wondering, is there a father involved, or just you. Reason l'm asking is that it is two different situations depending on whether or not he is on the scene. Anyway, if you are not their daddy, it's certainly unfair of her to expect you to tolerate this kind of behaviour. Try also to kep in mind that they may be going through some tough times too, l'm not sure on the circumstances of their lives, but re-marriage, divorce, etc is tough on the little ones. The main thing you need to do is have a long, private talk with your wife (don't let it turn into an argument), and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Ask her to define exactly what role she expects you to play in the children's lives, and vice versa. These children will be realising that they can play mom against you, divide and you will conquer! You need to work as a team, and ALWAYS be a united front to the children. Lay out bounderies and groundrules, and be sure to follow them through equally and consistently. Good luck, and please speak to your wife, with both of you being prepared to compromise.

Answer 7

well well i hate to tell u this now , but by law u cant even law a hand on those kids , its sad to say but u cant , when u married the wife u took on he r kids , bu tr u didnt take the role of being there biological dad , talk to the wife , i dont know how long uguys been together but talk to her , the kids are acting out for some reason , and its just gonna get worse , is the real dad in the pic , if hes no t that can be part of the reason , they want there real dad , and afraid that u may try to tak e his place , if the real dad doesnt see htem at all , ther acting out becaus e of htat etc , its hard cause u love your wife she loves u she loves those kids as well , and sometimes the kids will cause a couple to split up , look into some counsling etc
my x hasnt seen his boys in many yrs , my hubby and i been together sence my boys were 2 , but hasnt seen ther e real dad sence they were 5 , they us e to tell my hubby i dont hav e to l isten to u u r only my step dad etc , , there were plenty of confeertations , to where i had to call the cops on my own kids , , one time when my one son was like 15 he hit his step dad , automatic reflex hubby hit him back , cops shoud op and told my son your lucky your not picking up your teeth if u were my son or step son and u hit mye u would be picking up your teeth shortly afte r that the kids grew out of it , yes the y argue back wha t kid dont , but its not a bad argue , ,
TELL YOUR WIFE YES IM NOT THERE DADDY BUT IF THERE GONNA BE LIVING IN A HOUSE HTAT U PROVIDE FOR HTEM , BUY THEER CLOTHES FOOD ETC THEN THERE GONNA ABIDE BY YOUR RULES , EVEN IF U AND HER SHARE THE HOUS E PAYMENT ETC , THEY NEED TO ABID E BY YOUR RULES AS WELL , TELL YOUR WIFE ANY MAN CAN BECOME A DAD BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO BE A FATHE R , and the way i look at it your being the father here
SOME ADVICE , NEXT TIME THE KIDS ASK YOU FOR SOMETHING LIK E A VIDEO GAME ETC , TELL THEM ASK YOUR DAD TO BUY IT FOR YOU , U REFUSE TO BUY THEM ANOTHER THING UNTILL THE Y LEARN TO GIVE U AND THE HOUS E THE RESPECT U DESERVE

Answer 8

I've dealt with step children before and to start off with you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your wife. You need to tell her that you stopped being their friend the moment that you married her and now its time for someone to take the role as disciplinary and stop letting them run that house like it belongs to them and you are their children. Let her know that if she doesn't do it then someone needs to, and that someone happens to be you. And if you are going to be the disciplinary then she has no right to step in and contradict the rules and punishment that you set down for them, even though they are her kids, because with her doing that they aren't gonna listen to or obey either one of you. So do that and just tell her that you aren't trying to be mean but the house needs to have respect and order!!!

Answer 9

Personaly, I would get the son checked by a mental health proffessional. It sounds like he may have some major issues. I agree..both parents should be on the same page when it comes to punishment and rule setting. Sounds like you and your wife need to seriously sit down and talk..without the kids first..get on the same page..and then provide a united front with the kids.
Good luck!

Answer 10

I am in a similar situation. My husband has made it perfectly clear they are HIS children and this is HIS house. Although I get to clean up after them I have no say in disciplining them. They of course take advantage of this and run to daddy every time I try to get them to do chores. He gets upset with me not the disrespectful children. I would leave if I could financially do so.

Answer 11

You have a problem with your wife not sharing parent authority. She has to tell her kids to listen to you. That you are dad (blood or not) and that they should repsect you.
You have to ignore any mean thing they will say to you to try and hurt your feelings. Just say I love you too.

Then with a loving attitude . . . you come down hard and discipline to get your house in order. Break out a can of whoop A-$-$. Tell them what they did wrong, why it's wrong and how they will improve their behavior.